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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial crushes

6 replies

Dahliad · 20/03/2015 11:28

Ok I don't know where to turn for help. I hope you all won't judge but rather help out with solutions. So here goes...
I've bern married 10 years. I got married perhaps too soon after breaking up with the love of my life. I wasn't crazy about my husband sexually but I liked sex so I figured it would be fine. Well...within a year I stopped enjoying it. Within 2 years we pretty much stopped doing it. He would ask but I would just not feel motivated enough. Gradually he stopped asking and we just started snuggling. Then we had 2 kids (through medical means, I suspect coz we just didn't have enough sex). Kids are very young - both smaller than 3.
Anyway...in the last 7 years, I have had crushes constantly. Like I mean never has my mind been empty of an obsessive crush. It's always on a single man (perhaps coz I secretly "feel" single!) I constantly feel extremely lonely. 7 years ago when I developed the first one I took it very seriously. Dragged myself then my husband to counseling, even a sex therapist. Nothing worked. My husband is a different sort of man, doesn't believe marriage needs work, does believe I need work :) But anyway this isn't about him, it's about me. I used to feel terribly guilty earlier on but after he refused to "work" with me on this, I guess I simply got pissed.
About 5 years ago I tried to leave him but couldn't. I'm from a conservative culture and divorce is unheard of. I also live 9000 miles away from any family. So instead of divorce, I decided to "accept" my fate, and rather late in life, decided to have babies.
Anyway...now I have a huge crush again and it sucks coz it's probably unrequited (obviously!) But it's making me wonder....what if there really is something unfixable in my marriage?! I'm tired of "suffering" through unrequited love. Should I get out and give myself a chance to find something more fulfilling? Or is it just silliness? Just regular boredom of a long term marriage? If it's the latter, what can I do to fix it? I won't get much help from the husband btw.

OP posts:
Dahliad · 20/03/2015 11:36

And this is the part where you could judge but I hope you won't. I had a couple of affairs 3-4 years ago. It took some of the loneliness away but of course, the affairs ended (as they always will), and the loneliness came back. Now what?!

OP posts:
thisisnow · 20/03/2015 14:43

Do you find your husband attractive, did you before you had kids? Do you ever get a chance to be just the two of you without the kids? I agree the spark does die down and it becomes harder to keep it going throughout the years but it sounds like your husband doesn't want to work at it and neither do you?
Everyone has a crush now and again and it's totally normal I think; but when you start obsessing over them maybe that means you're feeling unfulfilled in your own life?

badbaldingballerina123 · 20/03/2015 20:20

You said you weren't crazy about him sexually right from the start. It sounds like your not attracted to him and never was. Lots of people do this thinking it's not a big deal, but as you've discovered, it is.

Dahliad · 21/03/2015 11:15

We do get chances to be alone but it's so boring if we are. Only so many movies you can watch and dinners out you can eat.
The spark is very dead and honestly I don't know what to do. Every idea I come up with he will want to do the opposite. Vacation in beach town? I want to sleep in snuggle get sexy...he wants to wake up at the crack of dawn and go see a historical building. We're 35 not 55!! I want to watch 50 shades...(sister babysitting rather rare golden opportunity) he wanted to watch some sci fi flick. Yes I understand. I love sci fi too. But it's like in EVERY possible way that something could be sexual, we together are instead asexual. Except when he wants it he says "lets do it". 3 words that do ZIP to turn me on. Honestly nothing about him turns me on any more. If it ever really did. I can't recall what did and why it doesn't any more?!
Yea I don't get crushes...I get obsessions. And I can only move on if I switch them out for the next one. Life IS unfulfilling right now. This is not how I had thought sex in a marriage would feel like.
Now what...what are my options?? How can I create enough spark between us for me to stop feeling so lonely constantly?! If I can't should I leave? Is it worth it? Is there any hope for a 35 year old divorced mom of 2 of finding someone nice?! Coz he is nice!

OP posts:
Dahliad · 21/03/2015 11:35

Just to give you another idea on things that killed whatever little appeal sex with him had (sorry, TMI!!) we would always need a shower before sex. I mean always. I forget how it started - who thought the other smelled bad or felt dirty. I think he thought I did. I've had sex with at least 5-6 other men 2 of them long-term and never needed to do that.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 21/03/2015 12:05

The showering before sex thing can be normal, I guess. I naturally just have a shower before heading over to see the Mr, or when he's coming here, as it always coincides with being after work and I've always had a shower after work. I know he likely wouldn't want to go down on me if I had been in tights all day!

But in terms of everything else, get out. You're clearly not happy. It's not his fault so don't hate. You just settled for less than what is perfect for you at a time when you needed a gap filling.

He's probably absolutely perfect for another woman, as are you for another man.

Your children will be feeling this too. Leave.

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