Is my marriage worth trying to save?

[icedtea]

My husband and live separate lives while living in the same house. We have a 14 year old daughter, and have been married over 20 years.
He backbites about me to his friends, claiming that I am anti-social and slow witted, which is my main grievance against him. He is also very bad with money and our financial situation is bad. We have separate bedrooms.

It looks like you have a housemate, not a partner.

Well I think it would be really sad to spend the next 20 years living unhappily like this.

So do you have a sexual relationship?

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to teach your DD?.
She's learning that a loveless marriage is the "norm", one that she could well go onto copy herself.

It also sounds like he is projecting his own behaviours onto you.

Effii, No we have not had a sexual relationship for many years. I work part time in an hourly paid job, although I would like to work full time. I am worried about our finances and the disturbance caused to my DD by any separation. Although she is not close to my husband, it will inevitably cause some trauma to her.

Is my marriage worth trying to save? Only you can answer this question because only you know (security, familiarity, companionship or fear of the unknown) why you've stayed in this sham for so long.

I think that she will be more emotionally damaged going forward continuing to see both her parents in a loveless marriage than you two divorcing. What do you think she is learning about relationships here; after all her primary influence are you two as her parents. Both of you have stayed together for your own reasons (perhaps selfishness particularly on his part).

She's not going to thank you for staying with her dad; she will likely wonder of you why you were so weak and stayed thus putting him before her.

Seek legal advice for your own self and make a new life for you and your DD without him in it day to day. He's just dragging you and by turn your DD down with him.

What a counsellor would probably advise at this point is to sit down with a piece of paper and write all the positive things about your marriage on one side and all the negative things on the other. Be as honest as you can with yourself. You may find, once you've done that, that you've answered your own question.

I'd be interested to know how your DD feels about things - maybe she's hoping you will hurry up and leave! However, if you asked her you'd have to be incredibly careful not to let her feel she was in any way to blame for the outcome.

First of all, is it a marriage?

And what have you been getting from it?

It sounds like financially you'd probably be better alone and managing the finances yourself.

Your unhappiness at home may well cause similar trauma to your daughter, even if it's not obvious.

Your call.
Have you explored options, regarding separation, and if anything can be done to improve the marriage?

If it's not sexual between you could your husband be involved with someone else?

I doubt he's involved with someone else - although obviously cannot rule it out. He married late (age 37) and I just think he was too used to a bachelor lifestyle and never adjusted to being married.

So you think he has happily gone without sex for four years? Did he have girlfriends before you? Why have you not had sex and finally have you discussed this?

Sorry so many questions. Just trying to understand how you came to be in separate bedrooms and no sex.

That is okay Effii. I know this is a strange marriage. We actually came to be in separate bedrooms after my DD was born so he could get a full night's sleep. I put on weight and I think he lost his attraction for me.

We then drifted into this long term situation of living like room mates, and I was afraid of leaving so as not to upset my DD.

Would you want your DD to have a marriage like yours?. You are both showing her that this is on some level acceptable to you.

I would think she is more upset that you've stayed together to be honest with you, she is not going to exactly say "thanks mum" for you staying with such an individual. You're both seemingly miserable; what are you getting out of this, what is the pay off for you here?.

I would not want my DD to have a marriage like mine. Looking back, I regret ever entering into this marriage - it is easy to enter into a marriage but not so easy to leave it when you are older and your affairs, both financial and otherwise, are deeply entangled with that person.

What are you thinking when you think about the future?

Don't think you necessarily know how your DD would react.
My mum stayed in a marriage with my Dad when it really wasn't any kind of marriage at all and I used to wish she would leave him. I knew everybody would be happier is they split up but couldn't articulate that or take " responsibility" for the break up.
It doesn't sound like anyone is happy and it's not worth saving this so called marriage

icedtea how do you feel that you believe he lost his attraction for you? Did you lose the weight? Are you asking if there is any way to rekindle the sexual relationship?