am I being let down gently - friendships or lack of

[imfinereallyimfine]

I recently moved back to a town I lived in for about ten years. We were away with DH's work for four years. We kept our house here and I've wanted to come back since we left. However, I think I may have idealised the life that I thought I had here. I've made a real effort (uncharacteristic for an introvert) to have people over for coffee, arrange drinks at mine and try to arrange dinners. And the response has been lukewarm at best. I've just had yet another coffee meet-up - arranged weeks ago - cancelled by the person I was meeting at the last minute. I'm out of the loop with the old NCT coffee groups etc. At least when I was lonely in our previous location I had the excuse of not having lived there for long. Am I being oversensitive? The person who cancelled today is not someone who I think would cancel without a good reason but it's just that it keeps happening.

When you moved away, everyone else carried on with their lives and made do without you. They now have an entirely different dynamic going on and you can't just slot back in as if you never left. You have to give it time. Try to reconnect with old friends, slowly and gently and if that doesn't work you'll have to seek out new friendships.

Thanks, cailindana. I know that is the reality but it still feels a bit like I'm being shunned. I feel very lonely esp when one friend keeps telling me that she and her husband have been over/are going over to mutual friends for dinner - no invites yet for us! These are people (both parties) that we kept in reasonable contact with (they visited us, we stayed with them when we came back for events).

Yes, but remember that this going over to each others' houses will have built up in the four years you were away. They're used to their routine and part of that routine was seeing each other and you separately. If A invites B over, B is unlikely to say "Oh, can imfine come too?" You're not part of the loop unfortunately at the moment, it's just logistics and routine and it'll take time for you to become part of it. In the meantime make sure you're still inviting both of them to things and keep up contact. If in 6 months time or so you're still finding nothing's changed then it might be time to reevaluate - it could be that they've developed a different friendship while you're away that you can't break into.

Don't underestimate either the lingering hurt that can be there when you move away. I've moved a lot and have found that people might not say it but can sometimes resent you for the fact that you left, and are unwilling to let you back in because you hurt them and left them in the past. I know that sounds dramatic but it's much more common than you might think.