EXH, the OW and my DD

[Notnastypasty]

I posted recently about wanting to go no contact with stbxh. I got some great advice and have felt much better about things in the last few weeks until last night.

We agreed to sit down and talk about OW netting our dd6. Backstory - I though we had an amazing marriage, very happy, then found out he was having an affair with colleague. Tried to forgive and make it work but six months later he left to live with her (lots of lies though and I didn't find out til 6 months later). Family and friends all shocked at how he acted and that our marriage had ended.

It's now 14 months since he left and I feel like I've turned a corner in moving on just recently and feeling happier but after last night all the old feelings came flooding back. Obviously the thought of OW spending time with my daughter doesn't fill me with glee but I also feel crap as stbxh alluded to the fact they'll probably have more children and get married.

I can't shake the feeling of rejection and wonder if I ever will. He never said he was unhappy in our marriage and certainly never acted like he was til the last couple of months of his affair. I can almost get my head round him leaving for a younger childless woman as they get to do whatever they want, when they want. But to think of him just being in the same situation (married with kids) with someone else feels like such a massive rejection. In other words, it will be so much better with her than with me and I have no idea why.

I suppose it also seems unjust that they destroyed my dd's family and will now go on to create their own happy family with no thought for us!

It feels very hard to move on completely when i have to see their relationship moving forward and my daughter will soon be a part of it.

Will it ever get better?

Meeting dd not netting

They'll never be truly happy...they won't ever be able to fully trust each other for a start.
You are better off without that lying, cheating scumbag.

According to him they do trust each other -apparently they're just good people who did a bad thing but would never do that to each other!!

"According to him they do trust each other -apparently they're just good people who did a bad thing but would never do that to each other!!"

Hahahahahaha. In other news I'm sooooo good looking that men faint when they see me. True!

Maybe they never will cheat on each other, it does happen. Unlikely but it does happen. And what they really want you to do is let DD around the OW so they can rewrite history and pretend this is the love story of the century.

My reply would be: "You want DD around the woman you broke up her family for?"

I'm sure that's what he's telling her! I'm a good person...trust me! How long were you together?and what ages are you?

Ime, it took me 2 years to feel back on an even kneel and I think your ex has avoided he feelings of loss by moving straight on to OW and attempting to recreate another family.Ultimately those feelings of grief must come out so he will bring 'baggage' to the relationship with OW.It's very difficult being a step mum so OW's life will not be a bed of roses once your ex introduces your dd.This will happen just as your life starts to recover!! The future will be bright for you.

I believe people who have affairs are fundamentally emotionally immature and unless he has had counselling (of course he doesn't need it, as he's a good person!) he will bring his relationship skills into the next relationship.2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than 1st marriages so he likely to just be 'hoping' it works.

In a few years I suspect you will look back and realise you are much happier without him..just focus on you and your dd.I spent a few years as a single mum and those years were some of my happiest times.

Why are he and you Talking about the trust in his new relationship?

That won't help you x

Yes it will get better.

The first thing I think you need to do is accept your marriage wasn't as great as you thought it was.

There MUST have been some things that were not right. Lack of sex/intimacy/compatibility??? Something, anything....

I know it hurts terribly but it's best to accept that you were not right for this man. That doesn't mean you aren't better than the OW etc it just means that for that particular person you weren't right. Not bad, worthless etc.

You are going to be right for somebody. Somebody will love you and want you in all the right ways. Somebody will want to build a family with you. It will happen.

Your ex, and analysing it all is a waste of your emotional energy. Promise yourself that you will accept him moving on. Don't waste your emotional energy on him.

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest.

No truer word spoken.

Try (as hard as you can) to disengage with your ex. You will never understand his behaviour or have much influence over it.
It must be really difficult thinking about your DD forming a relationship with the OW. I can't imagine how that would make me feel.
However, my experience is this:

• I'm a step mum (not OW) I know that my DSDs benefit from my involvement in their lives. I'm another adult caring for them, loving them and watching out for them.
• my dad had an affair when I was very young and is still with the OW. My mum made contact really difficult (because she was so justifiably angry with my dad and the OW). The only losers in this were me ad my siblings. We have since re-established contact with my dad and the OW and, as adults, we like her and we all feel damaged that we were not able to benefit from her involvement in our lives. What she (and my dad) did was wrong, they hurt everyone with their selfishness but I wish my mum had dealt with her anger and pride and, instead of negatively influencing us I wish she had positively encouraged us to make form our own opinions.

You're still grieving the man you thought he was and the future you hoped to have.

What he did was terrible and it will never be OK but he does not and never will, have the power to destroy you and your daughter's life because you aren't going to give him permission to.

He's pathetically justifying his incredible selfishness by pretending it was for the greater good. If lying to himself helps him get out of bed in the morning, then that's his prerogative but please don't buy into his delusions.

Formalise contact and don't make your self available to listen to his blah, blah, blah. This self proclaimed 'good person' is still acting like a shit and for all his "good people do bad things" justification, actions speak louder than words.

And... Pressed post before I had written my final paragraph...
It can get better, you can get over his infidelity. My mum who was nothing short of devastated (for years) after my dad walked out is now one of the most content people I know! She rebuilt her life, she is now retired having retrained and achieved success in a career, she has a wide circle of friends, is very involved in a hobby and her days are full of things she wants (and has chosen) to do.
She is so much happier than she could ever have been with my dad who, in contrast, is a pretty miserable old man (and I actually feel sorry for his wife (the OW))!

don't allow yourself to focus on that which you can't change but instead focus on that which you can.

As tempting as it can be to think that they will obviously never trust each other, won't ever be truly happy this is a destructive thought in the long-term. Because if that doesn't happen, if they do in fact remain together you will be left with thoughts of inadequacy long after they have moved forward in their own relationship.

if the ow is going to be around for the long-hall then your dd will build a relationship with her. It may be good, it may not, but all you can do is to hope that she does actually build a positive relationship with this woman, as much as it will hurt.

And then you need to find something to help you move forward in your own life. Go out with friends, do things you didn't get the chance to when you were with xh, start dating. In time you will replace memories of times with your ex with new ones of your own. And who knows, in time you will meet someone and perhaps have more children of your own...

I am so sorry you are going through this too - I could have written your post. The advice I have been given (and try to take) is that you must not take on feelings of rejection. The problem was not you - it was him.

I do not automatically think that something must have been wrong in the marriage - there are countless stories of this happening when there were no obvious reasons. I have never been given a reason. Instead of talking to you about any unhappiness he was feeling, he chose to lie and cheat instead. I will never understand how someone can throw away a marriage and family without involving the other person in that decision. To start a relationship based on lies, deceit and betrayal (no matter how 'good' they are apart from that) is not something I would want anything to do with.

In my situation, I would have understood if he had left for a different life - one where he had no responsibilities or whatever but he has ended up with the same but arguably much much worse. He has lost everything of value - friends, family, his children, his home, financial security. Give it time and hopefully you will see that you are better off without someone capable of being so weak. He has shown that he is not the person you thought he was and it is better it happened now than in 10 years time. There is no reason why he won't do the same again, even if he thinks this is his 'true love' - he once thought that about you. He is an unhappy man unable to see that the hole in his life is within him.

This isn't what you wanted but don't let him ruin your life as well as his own. You can have a good life - you are honest, loyal and you took your marriage vows seriously. The type of people you want in your life value those qualities much more than someone capable of such betrayal. Leave him to it and focus on the time you have with your DD. When she is with him, focus on you.

Saying all of that, I know how hard it is and I give you a virtual hug.

Stop torturing yourself with thoughts of his happy ever after. So what if he is happy, it will never ever justify his callousness.

Do not measure your self worth with the yardstick of a arsehole and give yourself time by limiting your exposure to this prick.

Lets see how happy they are once they do start having kids and they have the same mundane life he had with you and dd. I am sure he has a fantastic life at the moment, living the free easy life with his childless g/f while your the primary carer but it won't last forever! lol.

Like everyone else said though, you need stop focusing on them and look at yourself. He is not the man for you and I am sure you would never take him back now anyway! It is not about you, it is on them and their vile behaviour.

Thank you for the teplies - I agree, I need to disengage and just focus on our life and not theirs. I think I'm moving on quite well but every now and then I have a setback!

Newstart - sorry you've been here too and thank you for your kind words.

Isetan - brilliant words, will remember them!!

Heidi - thanks for your advice and I would never let my feelings ruin dd's relationship with them.

Family - very sorry that youre experiencing it too- it's crap to say the very least. Hope you are getting through it.

I will read all these posts again later - i already feel better.

Remember this quote "a man who marries his mistress merely creates a vacancy"

I don't agree he's necessarily done this bcs of a fault/s in your marriage. He's done it bcs he is selfish.

Poor poor you to have to listen to his self-serving bullshit. Don't! Don't listen to this shit. Your insecurity and sense of rejection will dramatically decrease the moment you stop listening.

Just remember he is selfish, what he did was selfish, his current pukeable justifications confirm his selfishness. Nothing to do with you, all him. You are so well rid xxxx

Absolutely agree this was likely not to do with you or your marriage but everything to do with him. The best piece of advice I'very heard recently is never to take anything personally as when someone says or does something that hurts you it is almost always about them and not about you.

Whether or not he is happy now or in the future has no impact on you but a happy, stable father will be better for your daughter. Unfortunately if he is so far in denial about his behaviour as he sounds then he is unlikely to be happy or stable. So, the best you can do is live your own life the best way you can for yourself and your daughter and try, hard though it is, to pay little regard to his except where necessary for parenting.

I agree, disengage. Anyone who can lie and deceive as he did is not trustworthy, whatever he says. And people who make declarations about their lives "we trust each other/ we're good people" are merely trying to convince themselves. I mean it just wouldn't occur to most people to say that, would it. Concentrate on you and your dd and building your own little family together. You are worth much more than your ex. He sounds exhausting going on about how "good" and "trustworthy" he is. His new partner is welcome to him. and for you.

OP I have no advice but I can completely understand where your hurt comes from and I would have exactly the same thoughts.

You sound very honest, genuine and lovely. It will take time, but I really think you will go forward from this and be really, really happy.