Did anyone else find that the hardest thing of all was telling people?

[newnamesamegame]

After nearly 18 months of misery and soul-searching on my part and blustering on his, my H is finally moving out. We've been together 10 years and have a four year old.

I'm basically really happy about it -- he's been verbally abusive, has had at least one affair, is a heavy drinker and refuses to participate in my social life. Its a no-brainer for me and the only concern for me is for my daughter. I feel relieved and like I'm entering a new chapter of my life. There is some sadness that something I invested a decade in has gone pear-shaped, but basically I'm really looking forward to being on my own with my girl.

But for some reason, I'm absolutely petrified of telling people. To the point that I'm worried its some sort of clinical condition. I have been trying to tell my dad for 6 months and I can't do it. Can't tell any of my friends of colleagues. I feel this huge and overwhelming sense of shame and guilt when I think about telling them and end up making up excuses and lies in order not to.

Has anyone else had this?

Hello New

If you tell people you will receive help & support from people in real life

You dont have to provide people with all the gory details, just say it didnt work out

You can choose who you want to provide more details to

It will be a relief & a weight off your shoulders

A problem shared...

Good luck

I was the opposite. Could t wait to get it out there.
He kept it under wraps as he sees divorce as shameful and a reflection on him. Male pride.
Such a relief to tell people, get support and just move on. Be very breezy about it..you don't have to go into detail or apportion blame.

"I feel this huge and overwhelming sense of shame and guilt when I think about telling them"

Brene Brown says that shame is the fear of being disconnected from other people. We all experience it (apart from psychopaths).

I imagine what you're feeling is the fear of how people will react, perhaps layered over some fear about being on your own....that's normal, to cling to what we know (even if it's unsafe or unpleasant).
You can be simultaneously looking forward to your new life, starting your new chapter and be afraid of it.

Tell one person; you'll be surprised at the support you get. That will buoy you up for the next and so on.....

I think if you can tell just one person, word will get around and you won't have to keep repeating yourself.
You don't have to give out full details.
He's an arsehole and I'm not putting up with his shit any more - will cover it nicely.
It's hard. I know when my ExH had an affair I took a while to tell people.
You do feel like a failure, totally misguided of course, but it's just in us.

Once you start to share and get the support, it will be a huge relief.
For me it was like a big weight being lifted from my shoulders.
My friends and family were amazing. Yours will be to. Trust in that.

I can completely relate to your post. I felt the same, it's likely to be from a life time of conditioning to take responsibility - even for a relationship when you can't control the behaviour of another person.

However ending a relationship because our partner is destructive is very healthy and you are doing the best for your dd.

When I married my ex I was guilty of being naive, hoping for the best when the red flags were there but I was very young and didn't have any guidance. "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better"

I also felt embarrassed that I would have to discuss, at some level, my ex's behaviour but the reality is that those who matter (i.e family and friends) will know the reasons, it will be more obvious to people even if you feel it was hidden.

Tell one person - it will breakdown the fear. Good Luck

I don't think I can do it... I have been trying for months to tell my dad and the words dry up in my mouth. It's got to the point where I have started to fabricate things in order to avoid telling people.

What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. You say that you are worried it is some sort of clinical condition?

I think you are being very hard on yourself.......

10 years down the pan. And you're concerned about your DD.

I'll confess that I found it impossible to tell family & friends.....(un)fortunately Ex had no such qualms (mine seemed to relish the drama of people sympathising with him).
But when I did bring it up, it was a weight off and a relief....like taking off uncomforable shoes after a day out.

It will be OK....come up with a script and try it out.

well done for getting out of this OP.
Yes I can relate. my ex was conversely quite a lovely bloke but also a drinker. Even though the split was amicable I found it really difficult to tell people. It was absolutely fine in the end. Looking back I think it is perhaps because I feared about dealing with all sorts of other peoples random projections when you have enough to deal with. in reality people were lovely and not bothered at all. this is probably an absolutely shit analogy but it also felt a little bit like the fear I get sometimes handing in my notice at work and dealing with work colleagues reactions which I find can be really peculiar in their range. (perhaps due to their normal reactions to endings or transference of how they feel about their jobs at the time).
anyway enough waffling--all the best-just get on with it and rip the plaster off. it will be absolutely fine.

I ended up emailing friends and telephoning my parents...

I have issues

Ive been seperated now for two weeks. I went off sick from work for a couple of weeks during my split, when I went back lots of people kindly asked me if I was better now and I told them what the real reason for my absence was. They have been great.

With friends, a lot of my longer standing friends live many miles away. I linked to my thread on here and said I was taking a FB break. Have texted one other friend to let her know directly.

Haven't told any family members yet, I am not close to either parent so I am not fussed about that. I do however, genuinely love my in laws and haven't said a thing to them. I'm not sure whether it should be up to my H to do this first? likewise with our mutual friends.

Its a bit of a dilemma really.

If you can't get the words out can you email or text people. If you dad is not of the technological era then you could write it down and show him.

Hi OP,

I didn't have a block about telling people, it's just that in the beginning I couldn't tell anyone without bursting into tears. It was kinda 'Oh God here I go again!' And then people being sweet and lovely to me was another prompt for a gusher. People are kind and they ask you how you are. I just turned into a human waterspout for a few weeks. Then I got used to telling people and moved on a bit. I still felt a bit wobbly. The main thing for you to understand is that people understand and they do sympathise. No-one is going to tell you to buck up.

Having said that, I felt far more upset telling my dad than talking to my mum. My mum had been on my side from the first, and I had told her what was happening all the way along. I hadn't give my dad (parents are divorced) many updates and I felt bad telling him. Not shame so much as thinking oh the poor old git, he deserves to have a daughter who looks after herself by now, and here she is at the age of 45 being weak and needy again.

I felt bad for being needy. But there you go. I was in need.

I don't know if you're pathologically blocked from telling anyone. All I know is that you have to tell people, and when you do they just sympathise and understand and set about trying to support you and say nice things. And yes, you might cry on them. Really, no-one minds and it is completely understandable how upset you are at the moment. In a few months time it will be different again.

Savickowl: you are spot on about the fear of other people's projections. I don't want people pitying me at the moment.

I think with my dad it's also about not wanting to hurt him: my mum died two months ago and I know me and my daughter and our family unit are a great source of strength to him. I feel I am letting him down in his darkest hour. I know that's irrational but it's really hard to shake.

Thanks everyone.

OP, just remember that your dad has probably already asked himself if you are genuinely happy? Our most beloved friends /family usually already have the scent. Plus he already loves you right through his bones. the main & only really important thing is YOU, & your DD, & even if there is a disappointment, or confusion or time to take it in. Once you have had time to tell him how you have lived with an unfaithful, drinker, well there is honestly NO BIG SHAME.
After 18 months of soul searching, it was not just on a whim.
I am convinced that he would be infinitely more saddened to discover ages on that you didn't trust him to hold your hand, rather than just tell him the truth.
Either way, the truth will eventually come out as DD is not mute !
Once you have poured your soul out to him, with a bucket load of tears, you WILL feel that the other "people" can take it or leave it? Divorce no longer has any major stigmas, "It didn't work out" is all that needs to be said
You must not make yourself sick over this.
What is worse? being tormented into ill mental health, or just, Get it off your chest ?

mix thanks... Its not about shame or stigma my dad is not old fashioned or uptight he is himself divorced (he was married before he met my mum) so I'm not worried that he will be judgemental. Its something very primal. I've always found it extremely upsetting to think of him being worried or concerned about me. And because he's grieving for my mum it feels like another thing to lob at him which will bring him down.

I also just come from a family which finds it difficult to talk about emotions -- I almost never spoke to my mum about things like this because she was extremely repressed.

But you are so right to point out that he has probably wondered if I'm genuinely happy. Me and my H are very different and have little in common. We were genuinely happy for the first few years of our marriage but it can't have escaped my dad's attention that there were some big differences between us.

It's probably because it makes it "real" and you feel less like you can go back on your decision. For that reason it's almost better to just do it. For most people, colleagues etc, they'll probably not even take much notice.

OP, I don't know how old your dad is, but the thing is about getting old, is that they are not just old folk, they have a whole bunch of worldly wise experiences & nouse, & unless he is really doddery elderly, then frankly, you don't know half of what he does about life, & death, & disappointments & hopes & dreams lost....
believe me ! its not because people are old that they were never young & unable to take on reality