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Relationships

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Original poster

Reasons to be married...

19 replies

Moobaloo · 19/03/2015 16:03

Why?

I'm in a long term relationship, living together with a baby. Very happy together. Mirror wills, joint account, no trust issues. I'd like to be with him for the rest of my life and he says the same about me.

I don't feel the need to get married, but I still want to. I can't really say why. I'm not overly bothered about it, I could live without it, but I do kinda want to be married. For us all to have the same name i suppose. I don't want a big wedding, although have nothing against them. I'd happily elope or have a very small, casual do.

We are engaged, he asked me and I said yes, he knows my feelings and he said he isn't bothered if we are married or not, he just wants to be with me forever and if I want to get married he'd like to marry me. He is equally unbothered about having a big wedding, but we both enjoy a party and don't mind an excuse!

I just keep mulling over WHY I want to get married! My logical head says it's largely unnecessary. I have friends who seem to be doing it more for the wedding than the marriage, which makes me quite sad. I'm not doing it for the wedding, though that might be a fun part of it.

I hope this doesn't just sound like a confused ramble! (It probably does!)

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 19/03/2015 16:26

Does there have to be a logical reason? There are lots of things that people do in life just because they want to and it's perfectly valid.

I got married as a public declaration of commitment, Christian faith, love and because I knew I wanted us to be together for life. It's only later that I realised about the many practical benefits of marriage. After 30 years it is still the best decision I have ever made.

In short you are overthinking it. You want to get married, your partner is happy to do what you want. What's stopping you?

For the record, I don't quite understand engagements without a firm resolve to get married and a date set.

Original poster

Moobaloo · 19/03/2015 16:35

I suppose not, and yes I probably am overthinking. We have a date in mind and a budget and an idea of what we'd like to do, although nothing booked yet.

OP posts:

Patchworkpatty · 19/03/2015 17:05

For all the reasons given above , because you want to declare it to each other and the world..btw there is no legal agreement that can be drafted that gives you the same legal protection as marriage. You are not next of kin, and and national insurance contribution paid by either party cannot be inherited on death of the other, whereas if you are married, it does...so don't settle for 'like' a marriage when for very little effort you can have an actual marriage !

Jan45 · 19/03/2015 17:43

Being married makes you official, currently you are still living in sin - I know, it's ridiculous but perhaps you just need that final proof that he really is committed to you.

swingofthings · 19/03/2015 17:50

I felt the same than you. I really wanted to marry my OH and I couldn't say why because I felt totally secure in our relationship and didn't think that marriage would change this.

Well we married, it is very different, and once again, I couldn't say why! Maybe if I am being totally honest it is because of the status, although this surprise me because I am not status minded at all in other circumstances.

I love being married, I love referring to my OH as my husband, I love to wake up and remind myself I am married. Maybe it is all silly, but who cares, all what matters is that my husband felt exactly the same as I am and just like me, he loves being married to me but wouldn't be able to say why!!

LadyBlaBlah · 19/03/2015 17:53

The only logical reason is financial but you can protect yourself without marriage, you just need to be proactive.

I just shout caution because they are so damned difficult to get out of.

PenelopePitstops · 19/03/2015 17:56

Moobaloo the big one for me is that you aren't officially his next of kin. If anything happened his family could bar you from any decisions about his future etc. Sounds a worse case scenario but it has happened.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 19/03/2015 18:00

Protection in the event of a split (especially if you make any financial / career sacrifices to have children).
To be each others legal next of kin (I wouldn't want anyone other than my DH to make decisions on my behalf).
Why not? Doesn't have to be big or expensive or in front of the entire world. Actually marriage wouldn't really make any difference to your life. In fact if you go into it expecting things to change, you shouldn't be getting married. So I guess the best reason to get married is because you don't want anything to change.

venusandmars · 19/03/2015 18:11

Cultural expectation plays a big part. For a couple of hundred years people have been declaring their commitment to each other by getting married. And although we no longer 'have' to be married, most films, songs, poetry, stories, soaps on TV, still portray MARRIAGE as something special. Even now if there's a wedding episode on the Archers, or a proposal on Corrie, thousands tune in to watch.

We've overlaid our biological pair-bond with something romantic about the commitment, the words, the special terms for spouse.

All of that was playing out in the background of our lives as we were growing up, and of course it influences us to some extent. IT is interesting that Civil Partnerships were introduced to give same-sex couples the legal and financial rights that married opposite-sex couples were afforded, and civil partnership ceremonies could include vows and public commitments. And yet still same-sex couples had a strong desire to be able to be married (not just civilly partnered), so strong that they overturned opposition to make it legal (and a good thing too).

FluffyMcnuffy · 19/03/2015 18:12

Because it meant a lot to both of us to be able to marry instead of "civil partnership".

Because same sex couples both get parental responsibility of children born within their marriage.

Because of the NOK reasons mentioned above.

Because I wanted to be a "wife" not a "lesbian life partner".

Appreciate most of these don't apply to you

Clayhead · 19/03/2015 18:16

Because I knew someone whose partner died when they were on holiday in France and watched her deal with the aftermath - not being his legal next of kin meant his parents were the ones who had to sort it out, she had no status.

This made me think that I'm not that bothered on a day to day basis but I wanted it there for if I needed it, a time which could suddenly happen upon me.

Baddz · 19/03/2015 18:17

There are definate legal benefits to being married.

Dowser · 19/03/2015 20:14

One of the dafter reasons I want to get married for is if he is really ill in hospital and I don't like the way things are going I can say I don't want you doing that to my husband. It sounds like it has a bit more clout than calling him my partner.

Recently my cousins husband had to speak up for his wife when the doctors wanted to take out her heart, give it a rinse and put it back again.

He thought it sounded drastic and said so. I thought if I ever was in that situation ( gawd forbid) the authorities/ doctors might listen more to 'the wife' than the partner.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being old fashioned.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 19/03/2015 20:32

Dowser it isn't that they 'might' listen more to a wife, it's more that they are legally required to do so.

Dowser · 19/03/2015 23:51

Thanks ;-)

That's clarified that.

Aussiebean · 20/03/2015 04:58

While we were committed before marriage, there was something so much more special once we were married.

We were an us in a much deeper way then we were before. It felt more permanent then before and there was a real sense that this was for life not just right now.

Although we lived togethe, travelled had every intention only being together for life, it just felt more solid once we were married.

May not make sense but it was how it felt to me.

derxa · 20/03/2015 11:29

Speaking as a cynic, you have the law on your side if you are married. Also minor problems are not going to be a reason for splitting up. Speaking as a romantic, it's lovely that someone loves you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Married for almost 28 years and love DH more now than ever.

Comingoutofhibernation · 20/03/2015 11:37

For me, it was mainly just about making the public commitment to each other in front of both our families. I am still not entirely sure why it felt so important, but it did, and still does. I felt more settled after we were married.

grumbleina · 20/03/2015 12:30

I got married for legal reasons really, but I was surprised how happy I was to do it - it's stupid, but having lived with a couple of other boyfriends, I quite liked the idea of doing something 'special' with DH. Some sort of silly 'I love you the BEST' statement. And it does feel surprisingly different - probably just social conditioning, but clearly it works, as somehow it does feel more 'real' being married. I'd never have thought it but I'm a total marriage recommender now - as long as you both want to do it, of course!

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