Friends' usefulness

[springydaffs]

Just checking this out:

Some of my friends very obviously tap me for my skills. I get it that friends can be useful but that isn't the main reason I want them as friends, surely?

I'm questioning myself because 1. more and more friends are doing it and 2. they are shameless about it, blatant! eg the friend who was suddenly practically in my lap because I got a posh gym membership and could take a friend; the friend who wants to go on jollies with me but makes it obvious I'm someone to do it with because she doesn't want to do it alone.

I have a friend who has really been through it lately - right up there, hideous - and, of course, I stepped up. One day we had a shopping day together and I did some alterations for her on some of the things she had bought. She said it was the best day she'd had in years. She subsequently asked me to do some mending and I made it clear I wasn't keen and suggested the drycleaners. She did me a favour and then asked me to mend her husban'ds work trousers (!) and the last time I saw her she said she had a big bag of mending ready for me when I have the time. FFS!

Am I missing something here. My initial response is they're absolutely taking the piss and can fuck off ... but am I being too precious? Is it ok to make it clear you're using someone's skills because they're a friend and they'd do the same for you? I don't doubt the mending friend would probably do something like that for me if she had the skills.

I have few friends for this very reason. I tend to get tapped a lot for help with web design/software/general computer stuff/help with CVs/interview tips. And quite honestly there's usually nothing they can help me with in return as I tend to be very self-sufficient.

I got sick of people leeching off me and I made radical cuts to my social network a few years ago.

If I do ask a favour of someone (happens about once a year) I usually offer for them to come over and help me with X (usually involving heavy lifting as I have a bad back) and I will cook them and their partner a meal.

I do not feel comfortable asking for help without immediately being able to offer something in return. And I think people who do are rude.

I think I see what you mean. Friendship is a two-way street. Even without 'special skills' (I have none! Well, I'm an excellent cook) there are ways to repay 'talented' friends or show you appreciate them. Mend my husband's trousers? I'd bake you a cake or bring you a casserole. Or I'd at least offer to pay you.

But I'd say there's a world of difference in altering clothing and a bag of mending! Altering is usually something you'd do 'together' since there's fitting and measuring and pinning. That would be something I'd expect to be done with a pot of tea and something nice for you. Dropping off a bag of 'mending' is taking advantage, unless you are paid for it.

If I suspected a friend was only a friend because there was no one 'better' around or because of what I could provide, I'd stop being around and stop providing and see what happens. And I'd start looking for other friends.

It wouldn't really occur to me to ask a favour from a friend. My dh and I are pretty self sufficient too and I would feel really awkward about it.
Recent!y though I've been feeling a little taken advantage of.
Transport seems to be either me driving or if there's alcohol , then my dh driving. What happened to just meeting at the venue? I hate being tied to times and would much rather they and I made our own travel arrangements.
Another gripe is of my own making. Offered childcare and said , oh its no problem , anytime etc. Offer now being taken up for quite extended periods of time and its all a bit 'assumed' iykwim.
Its all getting a bit one way
I do blame myself, I say things to be nice and later regret them. Time to be assertive and less of a people pleaser.

I understand how you feel. I have a similar relationship with many friends, and it does sometimes feel quite hurtful.

I used to have a very, very one-sided relationship with one friend in particular, who is lovely but extremely needy. She would ask me to do a lot of her writing for her (without any credit), would ring up to talk about her problems for hours on end every single day, would demand that I went round to her house to sort out practical problems etc. etc. etc. It reached a point one day where she was complaining about a friend leeching off her, and I had a mini meltdown and said 'Look, you do this to me! All the time! It hurts!'

To give her credit, she totally stopped from that moment - and she is someone who has abandonment/rejection issues so it wasn't an easy thing for her to hear. The relationship is now very much more of a two way street with the demands far more reasonable. I still edit her work for her, but she also supports me back.

OP, what a load of blatant free loaders!! How about calling in some favours?

Thanks. I know it's not right up there with the things usually posted on this board but it's been rankling quite a bit lately (the bag of mending did it..). I don't want to get to the point where I never give anything - but too often it seems that if I do give, I get taken advantage of from then on in. It's dispiriting!

I have given the friends mentioned above a general wide berth but wondered if I was being precious and this is how it is now. But I do suspect my initial response is accurate, that they're free-loaders.

Bag of mending?? For real?? That is taking the utter piss......

they're taking the piss. and now they're being blatant about it because they see you as a doormat that just takes whatever scraps of themselves they give you.

time to stop being 'available' for those things. Be assertive and firm, 'sorry, i can't do that/i'm busy/relaxing after a long week' etc. Then offer details of where they CAN go and get it done.

then wait and see what they bring to this 'friendship'.

That's precisely what I have done, Sugar. Precisely.

I ask favours of friends and respond when they ask me. It feels like a healthy way to support one another. In fact I like helping people. Rarely have I felt used. Because I know I can ask for support or favours in return. It can't be always equal in friendships but as long as over time support is reciprocated I don't see the problem

I think you need to find new friends, or start asking them for 'favours'. And as for the bag of mending tell her to collect it or if she really wants you to do it you now charge £10.00 per hour.

friendship is a two way street, where everyone helps out.

If you were to ask one of my friend's she well tell you the best way to find your true friends is to have something major happen then you find out. And they will probably not the ones you think.

I do bags of mending for a friend. But she takes my kids to swimming when I can't manage it, has them over for tea all the time and is generally a huge support to me. Mending I can do, and well, so it works both ways.

Unfortunately, others have noticed I do this and now want me to do it for them without the same reciprocal arrangement. Then get cross when I say no.

It's not a friendship at all.

One of my ex friend (friendship I thought for 5 years) clearly stated recently that I have to change my religion to be in her friends circle which I laughed about... And then there was a statement that she doesn't learn anything from me and sees me as immature person.

My response: this is who I'm and if I'm immature for you then I'm sorry.
For the change of religion request: I was born with my own religion and have no intention to change it or even get involved... (Not religious at all).

After couple of days I realised that she uses religion as a way to use people.

It was clear cut for me but sometimes I feel sad that people can be like that and don't feel any shame.

Life I guess...

What im trying to work out is: what are friendships, are they you do this for me, which is useful to me, then you're my friend. A barter system.

What about love and support and, well, friendship.

Or am I being naive.

People still do mending?

I came to say that ^

And who has bags of mending

Bags of mending for when you have the time? Definitely taking the mickey.

yep, she's really taking the piss.

I don't think most people are like this but if you start wondering a bit, start feeling the balance is uneven with a friendship, then quietly start observing. If the person tries to do things equally for you more or less, then it's not a problem. But if the favours are all one way then yes you're being used and it's time to step back. A bit of observation can reveal a lot, either way, good or bad.

What is wrong with mending clothes?!? Putting knees back in jeans, taking up school trousers to make them into shorts when the knees go, mending cuffs on jumpers when they have been chewed, resewing hems that have come down. All of those are 10-20 minute jobs at the most and save me a significant amount of money on replacing clothes.