So confused

[Anothernamechangee]

Has taken me a while to pluck up the courage to post this so please be gentle.

I have been with my dh for 12 years, we have 2 dc's together and he has children with previous partner. The past few years have not been easy, I don't consider dh to be a good father to any of his children, he doesn't put in much effort, has never bathed the dc's, never helps get them ready in the mornings and rarely goes out with us on days out ( unless it's something he is really interested in ), we don't share a bed, he thinks this is due to his snoring but it's not just that. We have nothing in common, I'm a outgoing person, I love to be outside walking or keeping busy, I like to be around people, I love animals and I have a few hobbies which he is not involved or interested with. He is not sociable, hates going out and is not outgoing, this has got worse as he has got older, he used to try and do things, go out etc.. But now he comes home from work and sits on the Internet, watches football and falls asleep, weekends are pretty awful and I end up going out with the dc's without him.

A few nights ago I went out with a friend, I hadn't been out in the evening for getting on 10 years, I had a great time, just being out of the house made me feel great. When we were out having a drink I bumped into someone who I used to talk to a lot before I met dh, I stupidly gave him my phone number and he tried very hard to chat me up all night telling me he has always had feelings for me. I felt flattered, I don't really think much of myself, dh puts me down a lot as I have put on weight and obviously I'm getting older, it felt good to have a man telling me how pretty I am, it also felt good to tak to someone who has a lot in comon with me. I don't think I have feelings for this man ( I was just flattered ) though I crave male company, the friendship that I don't really have with dh.

Now my head is a mess, mainly because I have seen that maybe I could do better, maybe I am worth more than what I'm getting at the moment? I'm fed up of the same old thing day in day out, dh not talking to me in the evenings and not paying a big enough part in the dc's life's.

I can honestly say that 'if he walked out on me I would not be upset at all, if he had an affair I would be relieved', I feel awful and stupid for writing this, I have been trying to get him to leave for a while by dropping hints that I'm not happy but he doesn't seem to understand and he thinks things are ok.

I don't want to cheat on my dh but the thought is there when some one is offering me more than what he has ever given me. I know you are all going to say 'leave him' and I know that's what I should do but it's not easy, dh has some mental health issues and our dc's have sn's, I don't want to upset my dc's or get the blame for their father leaving ( because chances are he would disaper from their lives completely ). Also with out dh I don't know how I would manage financially, at the moment I'm not working and finding work as a single mum with 2 sn children will be almost impossible.

I don't know why I'm posting tbh, I just need someone to tell me I'm being stupid to feel flattered by the attention from this other man and I need to concentrate on making things work with dh, but I'm not sure if I have any energy left to make it work, can it work when we have nothing in comon? Can he become a good dad? I don't think he can

You shouldn't be dropping hints that you are not happy, you need to tell him. He will never change if you let him continue to think that things are OK.

You don't sound like you have much in common at all, did you do things together in the early days? Has he always been like this or has he changed over the years?

I don't think you are being stupid to feel flattered, anyone would be never mind someone who gets no attention from their partner.

I definitely think that you need to sit down with your DH and have a serious talk about your relationship and where its heading.

I have tried to sit down and talk to him, I keep telling him we have nothing in comon and that I'm not happy, I have asked him to leave before but he doesn't seem to take it seriously. I think I love him still but not like I used too. I think he tried hard to make me happy when we first go together, he lets me have everything I want (where money is concerned ) and he uses this against me when I say 'I'm not happy'. I have my dc's, pets ( which he didn't want ), I go on holidays ( with the dc, not with him ) and I have a nice car, apparently 'everything I want' but I am lonely , I don't have many friends or a social life, I don't have anyone to share hobbies with or to do nice things with the dc, I feel like a single parent, it feels like dh is a lodger that gives me sex from time to time.

I wish I could leave, I think that's the only way he would take me seriously but due to the dc's sn's I can't just up and leave, change schools, move away etc.., we rent our house and I want to stay here.

I feel like we are just plodding along, living in the same house and wasting our ( or my ) lives away. I feel for the dc's, I don't think they would notice if he moved out tbh, I wish he would do more with them, I feel im letting them down by not providing them with a decent male figure. I don't want them thinking this is how manage should be but I don't want the growing up without a father either.

"I don't want them thinking this is how manage should be but I don't want the growing up without a father either"

But it sounds like they already don't have a father

Do you think he would agree to relationship counselling? If you made it clear that otherwise you're going to file for divorce?

"I have a nice car, apparently 'everything I want' but I am lonely"

So you have everything that you want from him, but nothing that you need. It's a sad position to be in, no wonder you are lonely.

I can empathise to a certain extent with your feelings. It sounds like your husband has stopped bothering to think about you and your relationship. How old are your children? Are they in school? Do you have close family nearby? I think it would be good to speak to a friend about your situation and get another opinion, as hopefully they might be able to see things from your husband's point of view too. Could you even manage maybe a weekend/night away without the kids just you and some friends? It might give you some space and help you to realise that life is more than just domestic duties and childcare.

OP, to put it bluntly, your post reads like a rationalisation for an affair.

My first piece of advice is to deal with the actual problem, which is your marriage. Having an affair is not a solution to the decision you need to make about your marriage. It just adds a second problem on top of the first one, and will very likely create a massive amount of confusion, mess, and hurt.

You need to tell your husband that you're unhappy and give him the chance to change. Or alternatively, you are entitled to decide that you've fallen out of love with him for good, and that you don't want to continue in the relationship.

It sounds like the only thing keeping you in the marriage is the lifestyle that being part of a couple entails. That's a terrible reason to be unhappy - are your soft furnishings really that valuable to you that they trump your happiness? I understand that you don't want to be on the breadline (who would?), but maybe do a bit of research and find out what your situation would be if you did leave. It might not be nearly as bad as you think -you could well be entitled to all kinds of benefits etc. if you became a single parent.

Oh, and you absolutely deserve to be happy and to feel good about yourself. But that should come from you, not from some bloke in the pub! I'm sure that a LOT of men would find you attractive - you have choices and options.

The dc's are primary school age ( but nearing the end of primary), I gave family near by but they are not a great support, they do know about the relationship between dh and I but they think I'm the type of person that's never happy ( which in some ways is true ).

He wouldn't agree to counselling and tbh I don't think it would help or change the way I feel.

I'm not sure if having a weekend away would help, I probably won't want to come home , just going out for a few drinks with a friend has messed my head up ( made me think what I'm missing out on and how unhappy I am with dh ).

'Have family'

Check on the entitledto website which will tell you what benefits and childcare vouchers etc you can get as a single mum. You can work up to 16hrs and get child tax credits and you'd probably get housing benefit too.

It's pretty obvious your husband has no intention to change or improve the marriage, so I would get the hell out before you become so used to your cage that you never get to open the door again.

Also I missed this first time round but does your husband put you down and tell you that you're unattractive? Charming

You have a choice between happiness and having nice things. You already have nice things and you aren't happy. So personally I'd pursue happiness (on your own) and if you have to have less nice things, so be it.

He tells me that he finds me attractive but then he will remind me that I have put on weight and am out of shape.

I say some pretty nasty things to him too when I am angry with him, I often ask for a divorce, I call him lazy and old ( when he falls asleep early in the evenings), I can be quite horrid to him, I guess because I want him to decide to leave ( as it would make things easier).

Be honest, if it wasn't for the kids, you'd probably have left him by now. He is giving you FA, not even a relationship worth having, sorry, but you will have to separate if you ever want to be happy, he is the man who won't give you that, he sounds vile tbh.