I am an idiot - suddenly found myself in an EA

[Amonkeywithaminiaturecymbal]

Not even just an EA... I need to be told by strangers that I am an idiot.
My best mate told me he loved me last year. We dated years and years ago but then became friends and since I had DD, he's been there for me through thick and thin. Anyway, his fiancee was away for 4 months (no kids, engaged for about 3 years), he told me he loved me, and it opened pandora's box. We ended up at the same event, both got drunk and slept together. I am not proud of it, shouldn't have happened. Then I said we couldn't see each other, but the problem is we are doing some work together so keep finding ourselves having to communicate and the fact is, I am head over heels in love with him too. We only slept together the once and I really regret it. I've told him not to contact me again except for work stuff and he's agreed. He doesn't want an affair either. He says he needs some time to figure it out. They own a house etc and obviously are engaged - it's a big deal.
But it's hard - I miss my best mate. As a single parent with 2 jobs, you need your friends. Plus I last fell in love 15 years ago - I don't give up my heart easily.
Any words of wisdom? It is a mess :( I have always been so black and white about things like this - always said I'd never get involved with someone in a relationship. And here I am, and I've lost my head.

I think you need to meet this guy and tell him exactly how you feel. He needs to make a decision, either to leave his fiancee or to stay well away from you - and yes, that does mean giving up the friendship for a very long time, if not forever. You need to be absolutely clear with yourself that this is the situation. You can't go back to a time when there wasn't this sexual thing between the two of you - it has gone, irrevocably. You can only go forward from here.

Please don't be tempted to think that it can work any other way, or that you can have an affair and 'see how it goes' for a bit. Because while that might feel like the easiest decision to make (and it is a decision, even though you can hide that by saying you got pissed together and 'it just happened) please trust me when I say that it is the worst choice you could make for your own sanity and wellbeing. I've seen several friends crumble emotionally and mentally under that stress. It inevitably leads to utter self-loathing, the pick me dance, and the annihilation of your sanity.

I said all that shovetheholly! I said I have told him not to contact me again.
But anyway, good to see it all written down. I know that is all true.

You are not an idiot, it is however crunch point for you both. He needs to make a decision, either he finishes with his fiancé or not. Tbh if he has the feelings he says he has for you then I would loose all respect for him if he chooses to stay in a relationship where he doesn't love the woman.

The only thing you can do is back away and leave him to make his choice. That means no contact over and above work related (would be better if you could go completely nc).

I am sorry that you are in this awful place, counselling may help you to sort out your feelings in a safe containing environment and move on with your life with or without him.

Pandorastoybox you are absolutely spot on and I have thought that quite a few times. He isn't the person I thought he was if he can say and do what he has done then merrily carry on as if nothing has happened.

And yes, no contact. I've just deleted him from whatsapp and facebook and everything else.

Thanks - your message was kinder than I deserve.

It genuinely helps to see it written in black and white from people who don't know me. The few people I have told in real life keep saying oh of course he will end it, you guys are meant to be. But it is never that straightforward, and that's not even something I am wishing for. Who would wish for someone else to be unhappy. It is a bloody mess (of my own doing I know).

Ah we are all human op, Desmond Morris's words are so true....'we may like to think that we are fallen angels, but we are in fact risen apes'.

I do hope that you find happiness and peace of mind soon. You sound like a lovely person, chin up and put your best foot forward.

Find another mate, he's not a good guy, he's also agreed to leave you alone - yeah, now he's done the deed, he's probably terrified that his fiancé is now going to find out so will be sighing with relief.

Don't get involved with guys in relationships, it's not fair on anyone.

If he really was/is the love of your life, why is he not offering you anything - there's your answer.

You've done the right thing to detach. Disappear from his life. Hard but he is involved with someone. He's more of a scumbag though. You're only about 9% scumbag compared to his 91%.

If he really loved you, he would end the relationship with his girlfriend and start dating you. But he seems happy to keep things the way they are but now you have sadly fallen for him.

Detach, detach...sorry this has happened to you, especially from someone you considered a friend. As a fellow single mum, I feel for you and know how lonely it can get sometimes.

Hold on. Neither of you "found yourself" in this situation. You both chose it.

Hope you can find a decent single man op. Honestly the mess of shagging an attached person just isn't worth it.

Well, he has broken up with her. However still said we can't see or speak to each other. Need to give it some time, let him be single for a bit then see where we are.
So actually I cannot see him as 91% scumbag.

Well if he's happy to have a fumble with other women whilst attached, he's not really a classy kind of guy, is he?

Well aren't you a treat winky.
People do sometimes fall in love with other people when they are in relationships and they sometimes make mistakes. He has done the right thing now. Only time will tell how it plays out in the future.

Put some distance between you; keep to NC. Let him be single; don't leap in to fill his fiancee's place. He could well ping back to her sooner or later. Keep your dignity and maybe it might be happy ever after for you two...or maybe not. Get busy; enjoy time with your DC and find some new friends and interests.

It was wrong what he did. But once they are truly apart then I don't see why you two can't be together. You have one life.

I agree about giving him space and have told him that. I am starting a new business and still doing full time job and single mum to a 3 year old so no time really to start anything, even if I wanted to. He needs time, so I guess let's see where we are later in the year.

Lol at new friends and interests! I have lots of friends and no time to see them as currently working 7 days a week in some form or other!

How is this an emotionally abusive relationship? I don't understand.

Life isn't all clean and simple. It would all be fine and dandy if no relationships ever overlapped but that's not real.

He loves you. You love him.

He's broken up with his fiance.

So give it a go and be with him if you want to.

I think she meant Emotional affair. Although it wasn't just that.

Ah. Sorry thought EA = Emotionally Abusive.

I did, and no, it wasn't. We did sleep together once which obviously we shouldn't have. All of this happened in around 6 weeks, so not months and months.
Sorry if I used the wrong acronym

No you didn't use wrong acronym AMonkey - it was my understanding.

I say go for it. A good friend of long standing that you are head over heels for and he feels the same.

FFS that's what everyone dreams of. How often does that happen in a life time?

If you delay, he may think you aren't keen and meet someone else.

Strike while the iron is hot.

*was my misunderstanding.

Aw. Monkey. Hope you're so understanding about his mistakes next time around.

He's a real catch.