Ex H's family - dd has MH and wants them, they don't want her! :-(

[HaveYouNOHeart]

I am so sad.

Backstory is I left ExH years ago when kids were small as he' always been cold and distant and was starting extreme anger towards me. I got away before he hurt me physically we stayed with my parents and got a new life!

ExH remarried and had kids every weekend and all settled down, he said he couldn't afford what the CSA took from him (about £400 per month, I said ok just give what you can - he gave £100 per month and money was tight but i built a business and we managed!)

When the kids were pre-teens he decided to live in France and that was that - he went over with his wife taking my kids' half sister, who they adored. he stopped the £100 payments. I met my DH and we all moved on.

When my DD hit the age of around 14 she started to show symptoms of MH issues and, long story short, after the deaths of both my parents who adored the kids she had a massive mental health breakdown aged 17 and has been in and out of hospital since, she is able to live independently a lot of the time and we all need her to as she has extreme anger issues and can get violent with this, when she is triggered, which can be by something as small me scratching my face, she is a monster. That is not my girl that is the illness, when she is not angry it is very sad and she knows she misses out on life, she never held down college or a job or kept friends for long - its heartbreaking she longs to start again with these things but can never keep it up because she struggles too much. She was diagnosed with extreme BPD and psychosis years ago she hears violent voices in her head. She is now 23 years old.

Recently, just before xmas she had a breakdown, I tried to look after her and things got very nasty and frightening, I can't talk about it as it traumatises me but my life was in danger and so was my dd's she tried to run under a car once, i was unable to sleep and it went on for four days and nights, the healthcare services would not help us until our social worker took it to the top and made someone accountable if one of us were hurt or killed (he saved us, or it would have carried on and someone would have been hurt) and then she was admitted to hospital for a couple of months.

She's been in and out but although I speak with her several times a day, unless she doesn't want me to of course then I have to wait and worry until she does, but although I speak on the phone to her, I will not have her with me alone and will not have her stay at our home again.

She has begged me to rescue her from the flat as she thinks the voices are real people going to attack her but I can't as i am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder since the previous time she came. I've had advice to let her get help from healthcare services now as they have really started to put in some real support after what has happened and they spend a few hours a day with her. I am taking advice all the time on how to handle this and learning to put in strong boundaries as i've been told it is her only hope of recovery, I have also been told if i let her back to my house services will stop taking it seriously and leave me to it again. I know this to be true, every time they think i can cope they leave us to it and just offer skeleton care.

Throughout the year's my ExH stayed in France - he knows but only texts her on occasion! He has two sisters who claim to love dd and she has four cousins including one who is 20 and i have had a couple of phone conversations with explaining the illness and she promised to help, she had dd over for a couple of days when her mum was on holiday. They are all as flakey as hell though and they either break promises to visit or stay away. i have been defending them and making excuses up to HC Professionals for their lack of involvement as dd can be so difficult.

Anyway there we were at rock bottom dd begging for help me phoning her every hour and her saying she was going to die so out of desperation I suggested she call her father's family and get them to pull their weight a bit, I didn't put it like that to her of course but dd said on the few occasions she has seen them she feels like a burden, I told her they said they loved her and i believed them and we are desperate for help now so nothing to lose, so she did.

Next thing she tells me its all ok other family are looking after her - i thought "wow wonders will never cease' they actually did it! She was texting me telling me one sister was having her until she was rehoused into supported accomodation or something and that she was being well looked after. I couldn't believe it!

Then the cousin inboxed me on fb saying her auntie had dd and asking for my number - I thought we would have abig chat and organise how we were all going to support one another so i happily told her 'yes i know she's with (auntie) we couldnt have her because i still suffer from post traumatic stress from the violence before xmas and my number is *'

Next thing I know I am receiving several of the most crude abusive texts from the other sister (not the one with dd) saying I am a disgrace she would never leave her dd and palm her off to other people do I not realise people have been off work for this what a burden i should be ashamed, call myself a mother, I am pathetic with my 'post traumatic stress' and I should learn to look after my own dd and not involve them as we are doing 'YOUR JOB' this is all in crude aggressive language - think Jeremy Kyle! The cousin joined in the attacks!

So now my dd is back in hospital which 'really put them out getting her admitted' apparently (yes I know, I do it all the time on my own apart from dh and sometimes my son who's 20 does it!) Apparently the cousin went through hell because i palmed dd off on her for a couple of days last year and in 2010 when (the sister texting me) had her it was 'disgaceful' that they 'keep having to do YOUR JOB for you'

Sorry this is long - if your still reading thanks, the situation is the other sister (not the mad one) is going to have dd to stay, when i saw dd in hospital she was so happy her family want her and she said it calms her, she was even talking about seeing her dad in France (she would have to travel to him of course he won't come to her).

My heart is BROKEN she is so happy but only I know - they don't WANT her at all! What can I do??

I just needed to get this out sorry there's not a lot I can do i've tried to communicate saying we've had a misunderstanding lets talk about going forward - nothing! They don't want her and begrudge her but dd is SO happy!

I anyone can help? I'm so upset!

I guess this was far too long I do understand - I had to get it our though, my poor dd thinks the family care but they don't ,I couldn't bottle up the pain!

Gosh that's sounds terrible! I'm so sorry that your DD has such awful unsupportive family. I'm just bumping for you hopefully someone with better advice will come along. Good luck.

Thank you Fanny - my heart is breaking today! Thank you so much for caring to read it!

have i am sorry for your plight my hubby has severe MH issues so i totally understand .you did your utmost best ,but issues like this are very draining on the family .i think your daughter will be back soon once they realise the hard work it really is it is also her fathers responsiblity .who if you don,t mind me saying is just living in france ducking his parenting duties .its him they should be angry with not you ..

I have no helpful advice but would like to say you are doing the best for your family. If you brought her home she would get no help and you may be in danger and the other members of your family.

The aunties and cousins are picking up the slack of your exh in my opinion. They just can't see it.Good luck to you and your daughter.

Thank you april and onefoot it is true, her father should be here at least for a couple of weeks now and again but he swerves the whole thing, and always has.

I was so angry and upset i said something along those lines when they first started abusing me and they told me 'gettin rid ov u woz the best thing my brother eva did, you are selfish and ......' I wont put the whole thing but you get the picture.

Then when i went to see dd and she was on new meds and very aggitated but no longer depressed and aggressive, she was over the moon that 'all her family are caring for her now'. So i swallowed my pride and sent an olive branch to them, saying how we must have had an misunderstanding and lets put all that behind us and work together for dd's sake, I told them what she had said at the hospital and that it meant the world to her but they do not care, at least they did not answer and they were so quick to all gang up firing texts and inboxing me all night the day before!

They don't want to communicate about working with me they just want me to take her off them it seems!

On a brighter note (gullible I may be! optimist that I am) the other sister is a bit different and quieter and has had her own experience with mh issues as her exh suffered too, she is having dd and I've just found out that she had been trying to keep in touch with dd before this but has just found out her phone isnt texting - she's been trying to get in touch with the precious brother in France and got no reply so she found out her phone wasn't sending texts.

Maybe one of them does care after all? (hope!!)

HaveYouNOHeart
And some more for your dd .
Imho, the vile attacks originate from a fundamental ignorance of mental health issues. I am not saying your vile xsil is ignorant; I am just saying she apparently has no working knowledge of any aspect of your dd's illnesses (or apparently any mental/behavioral health issue for that matter). Please do not internalize anything she says. Her attacks on you have summarily disqualified and invalidated any opinion she might have. You are an easy target for her and the circumstances are really beyond your control...so that raises a flag that her tirades are about her, not you. She is using you for a power trip or ego supply or who knows what. Ignore her (easier said than done).

I would not work with them, if I were you. They are now aware of your dd' s needs and have thankfully stepped up. Stand back and let them get on with it. Your dd will let them know what she needs (or her case worker will). Imho, your necessary boundaries may be seen as also having boundaries on your involvement in managing your dd's care, iyswim. I know that is hard and goes against the reflexes of what mothers do but you had to step back. You are still (and have been) available to your dd offering love and support verbally, and, imho, that is all you can do at this point.

I can imagine it hurts and is hard to have to hear your dd praise your xh' s family. Your xh is ancient history. In your posts, you seem completely emotionally detached from him. That emotional detachment should extend to his family too. Be happy for her that she is happy. Try to keep the focus on her and not get into assessing the xils, iyswim.

It may be that the vile xsil is just creating more drama (in an already very sensitive and tragic circumstance) for her entertainment. It sounds like to me she is shaming you for sport. She is acting like an adolescent to refer to your marriage breakup that happened all those years ago. I really would not speak to them again...not a nasty declaration-just quietly step away from them. Change your phone number if the nasty phone calls/texts don't stop (and please never respond to the attacks). The vile one will probably need the last word. Let her have it as you will have already left the conversation.

Good luck to you and your dd.

AndTheBandPlayedON Thank you so very much, there is so much wisdom in your post you have everything right!

I am going to take your advice it is absolutely spot on!

You are a hero to me right now, I actually feel like I can see it clearly for what it is - THEIR issues!

I have also spoken with our social worker and he said that family don't really know anything about this because they haven't been there through their own choice and now it their guilt talking, they are projecting their guilt onto me and I must not take it in, he also said to keep all my boundaries firmly in place and do not let this poison shake them otherwise my daughter's long-term recovery is at stake.

You and he are so right and many many thanks for that, I feel uplifted!

I am glad I could help you, Have You.
My daughter also suffers mh problems with anxiety, depression, and psychosis. She has been in hospital 5 times and the ordeal with the meds is awful. My dd, however, has only ever been a danger to herself, so my family, dd and I have been lucky in that respect. I am glad that your dd talks to you, as I am glad mine talks with me!

I have not had to deal with anyone being nasty about it mainly because I went no contact with my sister who was a mean, vindictive, bully before dd' s illness took hold. My other sister has been great and dh' s family have also been supportive as they have some knowledge to work from, sad to say.

Band even though I would not wish these experiences on anyone at all I am so glad you ran across my post today and offered me your well-earned wisdom I really needed it! I hadn't felt so low and confused.

I pray your dd and mine will experience some level of recovery one day, I always hold out hope for this and believe improvement to be possible even if not for a long time!

Good and well intentioned people will always prevail and survive in the end the rest have their own demons to deal with, you reminded me of this!

DD is having a much better day today her new ADs are kicking in and starting to work!