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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure about new man's anxiety. How to help?

15 replies

TickledOnion · 18/03/2015 21:12

I've met someone through online dating. We got on brilliantly over text, had our first date and got on really well in RL. We ended up having sex on the first date. Not a problem for me but he seems completely eaten up with anxiety. We both came out of LTRs recently having been cheated on. I've been single for over a year other than a casual fling. He's been single 3 months.

He says he feels guilty even though he's done nothing wrong. He knows he overthinks things and told me his best mate has told him to just enjoy himself. I would be happy to for this to develop into a full on relationship but I won't be devastated if it doesn't. I wonder if he's ready for a relationship. He seems to have invested a lot in this already.

OP posts:

chinuphigh · 18/03/2015 21:16

Do you know how/why his last relationship ended as it was quite recent.

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 18/03/2015 21:16

one date, one shag and all this angst? There's more to this than he's telling you and after one date, it's not worth it.

Seriouslyffs · 18/03/2015 21:17

Honestly? Think about yourself. How would you feel 3/6 months down the line, more emotionally invested, if he is still this anxious?

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 18/03/2015 21:17

You're seeing the best of someone on a first date. They're pulling out the stops to impress. Something definitely amiss here. Red flag.

MiniTheMinx · 18/03/2015 21:18

No he isn't ready, whats with the guilt? unless he has something to be guilty about? sure you got the right story, the whole story? or it could just be a stalling method to put off a too soon second date. Great to have sex, but that doesn't have to mean he wants to get too cosy too quickly.

If its genuine and he feels anxiety, I would say to him, if it doesn't feel right, its because it isn't.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/03/2015 21:20

Op one date and one shag and he's already anxious and over thinking, I'm normally really empathetic to anxious people, but honestly life's too short for this sort of guff on first date .

Original poster

TickledOnion · 18/03/2015 21:21

His marriage ended when his wife cheated on him. Same with mine.

I was a mess at 3 months, so wouldn't blame him if he was too.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 18/03/2015 21:23

And as for helping him, how can you? if the situation causes anxiety, you would be piling on more anxiety. I am fucked if I would want to be around someone if they said our friendship/relationship was the cause of anxiety for them! I would leave them to it.

Supposing he is really still hurting from the previous relationship, like a lost lamb, and feeling low. This stuff makes people vulnerable to others, would you help him simply so you got what you wanted, or be helping him for his own sake without expectation?

chinuphigh · 18/03/2015 21:25

Nope. I don't think he's ready for dating!!!

JeanSeberg · 18/03/2015 21:26

Why do you even know this stuff at this stage? It should all be fun and light hearted. Can you honestly be arsed with this shit, it sounds draining and boring

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/03/2015 21:31

I wonder if YOU are ready for dating if you are thinking about how to 'help' your 'new man' after one date and shag! You're practically strangers to each other and you're wondering how to help him overcome his deep rooted psychological difficulties? No, no, no.

Original poster

TickledOnion · 18/03/2015 21:33

Oh, crap. You're probably all right. It should be fun and I have reminded him of this. I do feel pretty happy in myself but I'm not sure I can support someone else in the way he needs. IYSWIM.

I'm going to keep things light and fun. He seems really lovely and was good fun until today.

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 18/03/2015 21:36

If you are his first ever shag since before his marriage, that could be quite disturbing, and probably unexpectedly. Mentally, his mind has not quite switched off the loyalty he once promised.

I am not sure what you can do, other than assuring him that the incident has not distressed you, so he can eliminate that from his anxiety. Maybe pointing out you might have reacted oddly that soon, too?

I suspect it is a short term problem.

MiniTheMinx · 18/03/2015 21:51

Be cautious though OP. Many men first out of long term relationships, esp where their partner cheated on them, go through the first tentative short term relationship...then the next...a few more...perhaps for a long while before they are ready to settle again. It can make "some men" cautious of trusting, and they deal with it by keeping women at an emotional distance. Its a little like stage fright, or first time nerves... for others it just a question of "ripping off the plaster" and once over it think whoop I can have sex with other women, not just the ex and get carried away with the idea!

I wouldn't invest in man 3 months out of a marriage. In fact, if I were you in view of how quickly he has become "your project" I would leave him be, you will probably get hurt.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2015 23:10

He's not your problem and not your project. Do you want to spend the next few years patting his hand after yet another willy wilt, passing him the tissues while he howls over whatever's frightened him this time and never being able to criticize or disagree with him in case he wets himself with fear or has a tantrum?
There are men out there with fewer problems who will be just as entertaining, nice-looking and good in bed, why start with one who's going to be a lot of work?

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