At the end of my tether with my narcissistic bully of a mother

[innerturmoil]

After 30 plus years of struggling with my mother's unreasonable behaviour, lack of support and passive aggressive comments I am finally admitting defeat. Whenever I speak to her on the phone with the best intentions she ends up riling me or putting me down or pulling me into an argument or confrontation. I have been reading up a lot on the web and believe that she may be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder because:
She thinks she's wonderful and better than everyone else
She has ZERO empathy and can say whatever is on her mind without worrying about the impact on other people
She is always right
She will lie outright to win an argument
She manipulates people (me) and makes them feel guilty if they don't put her first.
Now I am not a psychologist but if anyone out there has tips for how to deal with someone like this I would really appreciate any help as I currently feel helpless and unable to rise above her provocation. Thanks.

To answer your last post OP - when you "snap" and get upset, that's what she was aiming for. It's giving her the personal information and power that she craves - she managed to upset you and make you lose control, then you are sucked into having to apologise and suck up to her and feed her even more.

However, of course it's very hard not to be upset by hurtful remarks. For years I swallowed my pain over the things my mum said because I didn't dare to upset her and have all the guilt and drama kick off. As things got worse and I became less able to bear it, I did manage to start saying things like "That is extremely rude and hurtful". But this was in emails, because I'd refused to have any more phone conversations. Also, ultimately, cutting off contact was where I was headed – because there is no "getting them to see how you feel".

Can you do as I did and tell her you don't have time for regular phone calls but she's welcome to email or write to you, and you'll respond when you can? This was an important step for me because it gave me back control – I could leave dealing with her until I felt strong enough, and I could compose what I said carefully and in my own time. No one can force you to chat to them on the phone. The FOG makes it difficult to take that step, but the fact is you have every right to not converse with someone who upsets you.

Following on from what Magenta wrote I found this excerpt from halcyon.com about NPD also helpful:-

"Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed, walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when something more interesting comes along.

With narcissists, there's also usually a fair element of "playing doctor," as well -- of childish sexual curiosity that may find expression in "seductive" behaviour towards the child, such as inappropriate touching of the genitals, or it can also come out as "hypochondriacal" worries about the child's health and/or being most interested and attentive when the child is ill (thus teaching the child that the way to get Mother's kind attention is to get sick). Having a sick child can also be a way for the narcissistic mother to get the sympathetic attention of authority figures, such as doctors and teachers".

The only way to break free of this cycle Innerturmoil is to completely disengage from both parents and no longer play the game. Your Dad is also fuelling this as well by acting as her hatchet man and is doing the usual behaviours associated to bring you back into line. He has also failed you here badly.

bland and low contact didn't work with my mother. She got desperate and resorted to even more drastic measures like threatening suicide, sending abusive emails, storming off the whole time.

only NC will work ime. However it isn't without it's cost on you. I feel so upset alot of the time that I don't have a normal supportive nice mother. I've accepted that mine will never be that person, but it isn't easy. It's still easier than the massive stress though of never knowing when she's going to blow up at me, or have a crying attack or not talk to me for a whole visit.

Mine turned up at my house a couple of weeks ago with no warning. Luckily I was out and my older DCs told me. I text her and told her never to turn up again without warning.

Also such people tend to over value or under value the relationship they have with their grandchildren. These people are deplorable as grandparent figures as well.

I still get upset that I never had any real "mothering" and feel jealous of other people with nice, supportive and caring mums that they genuinely get on with. However, I was upset about that before I went NC as well. Overall, I feel calmer and much more free now – still sad about it, but with a lot less fear, panic, dread and that awful feeling of being trapped.