Mixed race relationships and dissaproving parents, friends etc

[nutcracker]

I just wondered if there is anyone on here who is in or has been in a mixed race relationship and faced disaproval from parents, friends relatives etc ??

Religion isn't invloved or anything.

It's not your job to put the wrongs of the world right, but then on the other hand, when and where will it ever stop? What will you say to your kids when they start to have serious relationships - will you be warning them off someone they like because it will cause problems with their grandad? Most people would be horrifed to think of themselves doing that - you too, I'm sure!

He's paid you the compliment of replying nicely - go with it for now, and IF it develops into anyhting serious you can cross that bridge when it lies in front of you. In the meantime, I don't think it's your dad's business to know who you are meeting in a lighthearted dating kind of way.

Otherwise, you might as well be racist yourself, because you actions are being dictated by your dad's sensibilities, iyswim.

And DP was very apprehensive about telling his parents about me - I am not what they thought they wanted as a DIL in many ways related to race and culture. In the end he wrote them a very long letter right from his heart, telling them what he wanted in the world, how much he loved them and how he wanted them to trust him to find someone that he could make a family with. And they did a completeU turn against everything they had ever spouted.

people often behave differnt;y in practice to what they say they believe.

But not always, of course!!

my family made me choose, them or my partner, i chose my partner, we're still together, happy with two beautiful children. we proved them wrong, they assumed dp would up and leave like all 'jamaican' men.

i dont want to live my life trying to make everyone else happy and dont have time to worry about other people disapproving about my choices.

have just read a few posts. i am in a mixed race marriage. dh is the white one. my thoughts? do you depend on your dad/parents for anything? does he bring 70% or more positivity to your life and what was he like in your childhood? can you depend on him to be mostly supportive of most of your endeavours, hopes, and dreams? reflect on questions like these for a while. you are a grown up and have to find your own happiness whether or not they are around. you are old enough to make up your own mind. I know what i would do if my dad or mum had those sort of attitudes.

i could never depend on my family anymore. my dad forced my sister into an arranged marriage with a druggie!! he treated my mum like a slave, he beat us up, he's not a man i would sacrifice my happiness for.

i told my family i was happy, but thats not important to them, they cared too much about what other people thought and relgion, if thats more important to them than their daughter, its not worth it!

Ok have thought some more about this. My dad doesn't agree with his sisters choice of partners but he still speaks to her, helps her out etc etc, so if he didn't speak to me because he didn't like my choice of partner, then that would be a bit off wouldn't it, I mean I am his daughter.

At the end of the day my dad just wants me to be happy, and I would hope that he would eventually overcome whatever feelings he had and just be happy for me if I was happy.

He's done it once, i'm sure he could do it again.

I don't see how I can not reply to this bloke just because of my dad. Like I said, I saw his profile and liked it/him and so I am going to reply.

At the end of the day i'm sure my dad can remember that he tried cutting me off once before because of my choice of partner, and it didn't work. I still chose him over my dad.

prettymummified - you sound like an extremely nice person to know. im glad you and your own family are so happy and doing just fine w/out such negativity in your lives

i think that is the right choice nutcracker.

hope the date goes well, after all this soul-searching

I hope you are going to give us a running commentary on your prospective love life after this?? .

I have replied to his message so we'll have to wait and see.

Had to send a pre set message as I am only a free member at the mo. Might join if i get anymore messages as it is cheaper than alot of sites.

nutcracker do you think your dad could just be protective of you and mistrustful of all men? I mean he didn't approve of your other relationship either, did he?

Yes you could be right SSSandy. I am his only daughter and he has always been quite protective of me.

nutcracker, surely you don't want to miss out on a perfect partner because of what someone else thinks? he may be your dad, in which case he should support you, not cut you off.

my mum disapproved of my dw and dd, so she didnt get to see them for a year. she came round.

good luck with it. I'm in a mixed relationship, it has been pretty hard going on both sides, but I wouldn't change it.

How old are you Nutty? I think that kind of "protective" instinct is quite bad for a parent after you pass your teens, he has to recognise you are an adult able to make her own choices.

The problem is, if any of you two care much about your parents opinions probably it's not a good idea, if you consider yourself an independant person, go ahead by all means

But I think we are here putting the cart in front of the horse... has he replied???

why are you wanting to pander to him? quite honestly i'd not be speaking to my dad if he had an attitude like that.

i would rather have my parents than a man that i had not even met yet!

For the record, I far from pander to my dad. We have been through alot together and it does matter to me what he thinks. Doesn't mean I will agree with him or do what he wants, but he is and always will be my dad.

Anyway the bloke in question hasn't replied.

Nutcracker, thread aside (and I think you are doing the right thing btw) please be careful when you meet this (or any) man for the first time - public place, get out call from a friend etc.

i thought it seemed like you were wanting to pander to your father because you were considering not contacting that guy because of what your dad might say. in my view if you had chosen not to contact him then that would be pandering to your dad.

haven't read the thread but wanted to tell you about my dad. He's what I'd probably term as a 'closet racist'. He would rarely, if anything say anything to anyone's face about their race - but says plenty behind closed doors.

When I called my parents from Zimbabwe and told them I was engaged my dad 'sounded' pleased on the phone - but apparently what he said once the phone put down is unrepeatable.......infact that was 8yrs ago and my mum still refuses to tell me what it was he said as she's worried about how I'll react if she does........and knowing some of the things my dad has come out with in front of me it must be pretty awful.

Anyhow, for the first few years when we moved back to the UK (and lived with my parents for the 1st yr) my dad was a pain in the ar*e - never said anything racist to DH - but treated like a complete idiot.....thankfully in recent yrs he's at long last managed to realise that DH is actually a really lovely, and intelligent man and now speaks to, and treats him 'normally'....

I suspect deepdown he still disapproves (as he still talks like a w*nker about race issues) - but he doesnt' show it to me or DH anymore.

My mother(black) met an white man(my Dad) and despite having had relationships with other 'foreign' people before, he tried to hide the fact that he had got a black woman pregnant from his parents. I have never met my grandparents(who are still alive. My mother's sister also married a white man and his mother called my Mum and asked told her that they must both work together to stop the marriage, which my mother did not agree to do. His mother then refused to see their daughter until she was two. She now accepts her only granddaughter and the marriage of her son and they have remained married for almost 40 years now. This kind of behaviour was normal in the 60's/70's but now people have become more accepting. That's not to say that several people still do not approve of mixed race relationships.Also a friend of mine is mixed race and she was dating a Nigerian guy. His father put a stop to the relationship when he found out she was not Nigerian.

in response to initial post, have not read the rest, our neighbours recently got married. he is black, from the seychelles (sp?) and she is white. she told me it took absolutely ages for her father to come round to it but he did int he end for fear of losing his daughter and now he adoes the bloke! get on like a house on fire!
i think going to stay with his family in seychelles helps a bit!

i have a freind who is black, and mid 30s. she told me she would be disgusted if either of her children were to get involved with another race!