How to tell my child about an absent grandparent (by their choice)

[Moulesvinrouge1]

We are starting to tell our ds about people in the family and relationships. My father left 20 years ago for a much younger ow and has had a family with her and never bothered keeping in touch with me other than an occasional Christmas card. My mum is v involved with us and we have grandparents on my dh side. How do I answer when my son realises he's 'short' a grandparent? I don't want him to feel insecure that people might leave. Thanks in advance.

Didn't want to read and run. I'm not sure what explanation to suggest but on the subject of your father's absence kids are really very accepting of their own norm. Your ds has come this far without feeling like he is 'short' anything, and although it might be confusing for him that there is someone out there who isn't involved (that's where you might need another poster's advice with suggestions!), I think that so long as he feels safe and secure and the people he loves prove that people won't leave you won't need to worry. There might be more questions as he gets older but hopefully youll be able to answer them on an appropriate level as they come. Children don't know any different than what they have really, as long and he feels loved and safe he won't feel 'short'.

He's not 'short' of anything! Your son has never met the selfish man who abandoned his mum and cheated on his gran. If there are feelings of loss, its more likely to be yours. How do you feel about your dad not being in your life?

My dad was never really "in' my life and I haven't felt the loss of someone I never knew but I know my younger siblings did. Fast forward forty years and DD's (8) dad, has 'decided' to not see her. It pisses me off because she's bloody brilliant and doesn't deserve such treatment but his almost absence (he still wants to send her presents ) probably will be better for her, than having such a selfish and emotionally stunted man in her life permanently. It's very, very early days but DD appears to have adopted my pragmatism.

Your son will thankfully never feel the depth of your loss but he might pick up on any of your unresolved feelings towards it.

Be kind to his mum and your son will be fine.

Kids just accept things like this in my experience. No need to explain all the history unless they ask when they're older. For now he can just be 'Grandad who lives in xxx who we don't see very often'

My grandfather left when my dad was six. I saw him once as a baby and he died when I was about a year old. Barely ever mentioned. For me there was just gran. No big deal.

Aged nearly 40 I'm vaguely curious about him but that's it.

It must be hard but please try not to project your entirely understandable sense of abandonment on your child.
He has 3 grandparents, which is more than many and I doubt he has even considered that he is one short.
Both me and DH were nc with our fathers who actually died before the Dc came along anyway but they have 2 ( DM And mil partners names) and 2 grandmas who love them and they have never had any issue with that.
If they ask about our fathers we say they weren't very nice men and we decided it was better to not see them.

Don't worry - one of my parents died before my DD was born and one of my husband's parents is 'absent' a toxic old wanker

My DD hasn't noticed and there are enough people who love her. I figure I will tell her the absent grandfather is just old and we don't really see him.

It will be ok. She's lucky to have your parents!

Also don't forget the idea that she is a grandparent 'short' is based on a very conservative idea of the family. Once she starts school she will see that families come in all shapes and sizes and people may have any number of grandpas and grandmas, along with things like aunts/uncles the same age as themselves and half-siblings etc.

My mum's parents divorced when she was about 6 (he'd got someone else pregnant) and her father didn't keep in touch with my mum and her 2 siblings. I grew up knowing exactly that and it was fine.

When I was growing up I sometimes wondered about the grandfather that was out there somewhere but I wasn't upset by it, it was just the way it was. When I was in my late teens my mum was contacted by her half brother (the child my grandfather had when he left). Apparently my grandfather and his wife had died and when their children (he'd had 3 more) were sorting through their things they found out about my grandfather's first family. He'd never told his other children that he'd been married and had 3 children before. My mum and her siblings met up with them a few times but mum wasn't that interested (out of loyalty to her mother really). I can remember meeting them once but I wasn't that interested either.

My other grandfather died shortly after I was born and my dad rarely saw his mum who I only remember seeing a couple of times. So, I only had one grandparent in my life and she didn't live nearby and was quite an austere figure.

Families have all different kind of set ups and children grow up accepting theirs.

I'm in nearly the same situation as you, OP, minus the new family AFAIK. Father left 10yrs ago and never came back. Ruined mine and DM's lives at the time, but we're both well and truly shot of him now (emotionally, he left behind money troubles for DM). He has no part in my life, or my DD's. Somehow he found out about her and has shown zero interest in her (apart from adding her name to the Christmas eCard I ignore every year).

If DD wants to know where he is when she's older, I'll tell her in an appropriate way. But otherwise I have no plans to mention him. He's a twat and doesn't deserve a single second of our thinking time.

Thankyou everyone for those comments, that is really helpful. I guess I'm very aware of it as my DH has the 'perfect nuclear family' plus aunties, cousins etc whereas I only have my mum who can be quite intense! I guess having to think about your set up makes you confront how you feel a bit. Having had a baby now I cannot fathom how someone doesn't see their own child - it actually makes me pity him a bit for being so dysfunctional!