Irrational rage?

[TheDetective]

Am I being irrational?

To save going over too much ground - here is the post I posted on my wedding day - 4 months ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2227085-Its-my-wedding-night-Im-all-alone?pg=1.

Page 9 of the thread - he actually posted. You can see his reply!

He asked for a chance - I stupidly gave him a chance. He walked out 5 weeks later - just before Christmas.

I've found out a lot more than this since - obvious really, isn't it?! Such as him on swingers websites from May 2014... no strings sex websites etc.

He was on POF with in days of leaving at Christmas. He's still on there now, and has recently updated his profile.

I'm so fucking angry that he is out there chasing women while his pregnant wife, mother of his 2 year old is here. Doing what he should have been doing - raising his family. Providing for his children.

What kind of woman would even date a recently married man with a pregnant wife? What on earth is he telling these women! He's a joke.

But is my rage irrational?

I can't even get a fucking divorce until November! (Annulment wasn't an option unfortunately).

I think what is fueling my rage is he doesn't see his son. And isn't interested in his unborn son either. His priority is the next thing he can shag. Or the next muppet he can get to leach off (as he did with me...). He could easily apply to court for contact. He hasn't. And won't. How can you go from being a child's main carer to being out of their lives completely?

I guess the rage is irrational - because a) I am most definitely happier in myself without him b) my children have a better life without him (much more money = more opportunities for them c) my 2 year old has changed dramatically in his understanding and communication (was referred to SALT before all of this) in the 3 months he has been gone out his life (he was his main carer before this) and d) well, he has shown who he really is - and that is not a person I want in my life (or my children's lives either quite frankly!).

I just think of him as a perverted creep now. The thought and the sight of him actually makes my skin crawl.

Why am I so angry though?! Most of the time I am fine, and then boom, the anger is back! Please be gentle with me, but honest. I'm 26 weeks pregnant, and in the middle of some hideous D&V bug, hour 70 of vomit, between me and the toddler back and forth. When will the anger subside?

The anger is a good thing, honestly.

Your post has lots of positives directed towards you DC and yourself.

Feed off your anger, I remember your first thread.

I just want it to go - most of the time I just feel pity and well, smug. Smug because I have everything I need and want - and he has nothing.

But then these little demons creep away at me - the lies he told, the shit he tries to feed people... and the anger comes back.

I know it will go again soon. But then it will come back... I'm terrified of still dealing with this when the baby arrives.

I feel like I need to have my emotions sorted and in order long before he arrives. But realistically, it isn't is it? That terrifies me.

The anger is perfectly normal; it will pass, in time. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Agreed, the rage stage is normal and can help power you through stuff. During a d&v bug it's understandable (we are also here) hope you are better soon. You've already shown great strength getting as far as you have and all the plans you have made for how you will cope after the birth so clearly your rage isn't affecting your capabilities.

The anger is helpful to a point, but it can reach a stage where it's counterproductive as you are focusing too much on the anger and not enough on your own life.

When you are feeling angry, perhaps stop and think about whether or not it is about a situation that you can control or change in any way. If it is, make the necessary changes, and move on, put it behind you. If it is not, think about why it is bothering you - and try to detach. Focus on you and your dcs and what is best for you all, and slowly work on detaching from your ex and his antics.

Honestly, I know it's difficult. I've spent the last 22 months doing the exact same thing. It's maddening, and just yesterday I had to remind myself that allowing myself to get irritated and stressed over his stupid behaviour is not helpful to me in any way. I have to let him get on with it, and focus on me and the dcs. I feel much better today - a bit more detached from him and his nonsense.

The five stages of grief/loss:

1. Denial - you had this, now it is over.
2. Anger - you are in it now.
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I suggest you read up on the stages before you reach them. Anger is a good stage to get stuff done.

You will go through those stages even though right now you can't imagine it. It is just how human beings work. You are human. You will go through the stages.

Prepare to manage yourself through them and to line up whatever support you will need.

I've been batting between anger and acceptance for a while now. I've done all the others!

I know I have to go through it. It's just irritating the fuck out of me to keep finding myself back 'there' if that makes sense!

At least I have now seen my own strength, even if I question it on a daily basis!

There has to be some positive, I guess!

Despite the fact that now both my children are vomiting, I'd still rather do it alone than ever call him for a second of help. I never thought I'd do this. But I am. I can. I will.

The Kubler-Ross grief thing isn't linear, it's quite normal to slip backwards and forwards as part of the process.

Oh I know, I was just hoping that at some point the anger would do one! I feel like I'm there, then back we go! It doesn't last long, but enough to make me angry at myself for even giving it the time of day!

Vicious circle maybe?!

I think, though, it's a situation where once you start moving onto the next stage or two, you start recognising when you're slipping back more, and are then more equipped to bring yourself out of it IYSWIM.

And of course, there are always days that you just feel that angry flush over something new you find out, where you think "Really!!?! What the actual fuck is he thinking?!?!" (I have those a LOT!)

Oh Detective...I read your first thread and I couldn't believe that he posted.

Anger is good. It protects you. Try to see it as a form of security, rather than something you need to fight off. As soon as you accept it, it'll disappear anyway ;)

It's good that you're on the right path now. You're doing fine.

I sympathise with the vomit, though. Air fresheners and happy songs may be essential in keeping your spirits up!

Alice, yes, that is where most of it is coming from! That and things in the past suddenly coming in to the front of my mind and me thinking 'fuck, how did I not know/see/recognise that'. Like continued slaps in the face when you least expect it!

Infinity, that is what I find so ironic, how much better without him I am - so why the anger? Just fuck off!

You just answered yourself about why the anger?

'fuck, how did I not know/see/recognise that'

Perhaps you are not angry at him anymore. Perhaps you are angry at yourself.

If you can find a way to accept or forgive past-you then maybe you can get on with being future-you without the anger.

Have you worked out your own narrative of why you did I not know/see/recognise that' ?

Possibly! It's not the only reason to make me angry though. But it is a big aspect of it.

Yeah, I worked out he was a compulsive liar, and I did see a lot more - but he was very good at lying, and making everything seem normal.

Like he was devoted to me. He wasn't. Twat.

He wasn't even devoted to his own flesh and blood!

I trusted too much. Never again.

He has seen his son via skype twice in 7 weeks (at my instigation after the 2 year old asked to 'ring ring daddy' and clicked on skype on the ipad). He's not seen him in any other way - or made any other contact.

He left his gaming headphones on one ear, carried on typing on his laptop. Didn't engage fully with DS to encourage him to chat/stay on skype. And there was zero emotion from him - no I love you, I miss you. Nothing.

I realised I have never seen real love to his child from him. I only realised it recently though.

This is something else which makes me angry - maybe this is less irrational?

I have also read your last thread hon. What a bastard. You are doing so well and should be proud of yourself. I have recently split with dp and I am experiencing angry rages at times also. I know my anger when I think about what he did,,,is really anger at myself for allowing things to happen. I am a strong minded independent woman,who doesn't suffer fools lightly, yet I feel there were certain things I should have known and beat myself up over it. I know it's ex dps issue though,, so when I'm feeling full of rage,,I use the cross trainer or go for a run. Always feel much calmer afterwards and helps me regain prospective. I KNOW in time it will fade completely. For now I accept it and it is definitely lessening. Keep your chin up det . You're doing so well and things will get better. Big hugs.

Did you manage to get the childcare for work sorted out??

I guess being pregnant and having a new baby is just prolonging the agonising limbo. That and being unable to divorce the spineless cunt.

I did sort out childcare for a few weeks, but went off sick as soon as I was able to - so I could start to work on all the things I needed to. Been off for 5 weeks now, and mat leave starts in less than 3 weeks. I ended up finding a CM to do the shifts, and paying a teenager to stay in the house overnight for 3 nights each week I was on nights. Cost me a fortune, and obviously can't claim the childcare costs for the overnight care because it isn't registered care.

Not sure what I am going to do when I return to work. Trying not to think about that right now. I think I'll just bury my head in the sand a bit longer there...!

Am hoping work will perform a miracle - unlikely.

I can't do 24/7 shifts. It isn't possible. Not when totally on my own.