How do I get him to accept it's over?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

It's been a rough few months for me. 18 months ago my husband and I went to Relate and basically nothing has changed. A particular situation was making me very stressed, which I had no control over but husband did. Because of this situation 3 weeks ago I had a breakdown, self harmed, was suicidal and had to involve the crisis team. Husband has since got on with making changes to the stressful situation. (It's a very long & convoluted story so I hope no-ons minds me not going into detail - have posted about it before).

Last week was the final straw and I just got furious and asked him to leave temporarily to give me some space. At first he refused but eventually did, sating he would go for 2 nights.

I've basically told him I want us to separate but he just keeps saying 'but I'm not going to leave this marriage'

I just feel his inaction drove me to the brink of suicide and I just don't think I can forgive him for that. We've got 2 children 2 and 5 and I'm a stay at home parent. However I feel the only way I can get him to see it's over is to physically leave and I've got nowhere to go and I refuse to leave the boys.

I've contacted Relate to ask for an appointment to see the counsellor we saw before but I don't think it will lead to a reconciliation which is what he is hoping for.

All I feel is relief tinged with regret that it's come to this.

I'm also worried he'll use my very recent breakdown as a way to prove I'm not a fit parent (my mum came over when I had the breakdown & will stay until I'm fit & well again)

How can I get him to listen to me?

I think you just have to keep repeating yourself until it finally sinks in. It will do, eventually, at which point he'll probably get nasty.

I wouldn't worry about the fit parent thing - presumably you are normally fit and well? As long as your medical records show it was an acute attack which was triggered by a very specific situation which has now been resolved, it's unlikely to have any bearing.

I've a history of depression but this latest bout has definitely been triggered by his actions (or lack of). The crisis team had to involve SS because there are children involved but I've spoken to them & they have no concerns and don't feel they need to get involved. The crisis team feel my progress has come on in leaps and bounds since I told him to go, and I feel hopeful and excited about the future for the first time in months, I know it's the right decision. But I hate to hurt him but what can I do. I just want the boys to come through it unscathed. Am seeing a solicitor on Friday.

Hopeful bump...

Didn't want to not reply but i don't have much knowledge

Maybe keep stressing to your crisis team how much better you feel now he has left. Tell them you want to make it permanent as you think it will be best for the children and yourself. Don't leave without your boys.

Does he have somewhere that he could stay? Do you have a spare room to stay in? Do you own your house or is it rented?

If he won't leave then Stop cooking and washing for him. Live as separately as you can under the same roof.

Speak to your solicitor on Friday. He doesn't get to say he is not leaving the marriage. 'It's not for me ' is a good enough reason for you to be apart.

Morning op

Sorry lovely your feeling so shit,

I think that if you continue to feel sorry for him and don't want to hurt him, then you are effectively weakening your own position.
If you could disengage that part of your brain, your more likely to be more convincing. Having your present empathic mind set is possibly coming across to him as wishy washy and she doesn't know her own mind.

Maybe it's time to bring on the big guns, hoist the boosum get your mum and anyone else on side and start telling the world your splitting up. Pack his stuff and leave it on the door step, you might have to make it to you fake it so to speak, but I suspect your only going to be able to keep this up for so long before crashing.

Bite size chunks op, don't engage in long drawn convo's pleading or steam rollering. Stand firm minimum engagement and draw that line in the sand

Is the Relate appointment for both of you? If it were me, I probably wouldn't go to a joint counselling session as you've already made your decision (and it definitely sounds like the right one.) I would go to the appointment alone to talk through your feelings and options about moving forward.

I would then make it clear to your husband that the relationship is over- you don't need his permission- and contact a solicitor to get things moving.

As far as the house goes, would mediation help to discuss arrangements

Update, this week has been a bit difficult. On Thursday morning I arrived back from the school run to find my husband, his father and some random person I didn't know in the house loading my husband's guns into the car. He never introduced this person at all.

After he'd gone I went to get something out of the spare room (which had always been locked as that's where the guns were kept) but couldn't find the key. I texted my husband to ask if he knew where it was and he replied he must have kept hold of it (implying this was completely by accident) so I asked for it back. He said he would drop it round.

Shortly afterwards he arrived with his father and said that he'd been away from the boys too long (he'd been back every night to put the boys to bed) and was intending to move back into the spare bedroom (which is little more than a box room) and live independently. I said it wasn't going to happen and that I would be seeing a solicitor. He refused to give me the key but left, saying he would speak to his solicitor. Later that day I received an e-mail from his solicitor informing me that my husband had concerns over the welfare of the children and was fully entitled to return to the family home.

Sorry this post is going on forever. Anyway, nothing else happened that day and I saw a solicitor the next day. I wanted to clear the air before the weekend so asked if my husband wanted to talk. He arrived with his father and announced he was still intending to move back this weekend. I said I'm that my solicitor had said that it wouldn't be happening (my mental health team have confirmed it would be detrimental to my health if it did happen) at which point my FIL started getting arsey and they basically left saying they would speak to their solicitor again as I can't lehally refuse to let him gack in. I rang my solicitor and she has written to their solicitor stating all this. My husband arrived to put the boys to bed and didn't speak to me at all.

I'm wavering, not because I want him back, but it just feels like it's going to be so difficult and I don't want the boys to be affected.

My eldest (5) has just been in tears because daddy doesn't live here any more (although that's the first time he's really mentioned it at all).

Please reassure me it will get easier.