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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In love with 2 men

16 replies

Telford92 · 17/03/2015 20:01

I've known the 2nd guy (B) longer than the first, I met him 4 1/2 years ago when I was doing a 6 month course away from home, we met on a night out and have been fantastic friends till now, can not speak for months and pick up where we left off. There has always been a connection between us and we just click. We slept together a few times in that 6months and it was so wow!
We decided not to date because I was always leaving after the 6months and he was setting up a company so was away a lot doing that.
Fast forward a year or so and I meet my now husband (A) we've been together nearly 3 years and married for 9months. We moved in together after a year in which I only saw Bert twice because he was traveling but the 2 times we met up it took so much not to rip each other's clothes off. A got offered a job overseas and we broke up because we'd been fighting a lot anyway (work and money stresses) so that bigger move would've been insane.

A calls me and says he misses me was a huge mistake and pays for me to fly out to see if we can work it out, we do and then we got married (US visa played a role in the marriage because otherwise I couldn't stay)
A is a lovely guy but we started having issues about 3-4 months in. These issues are sexual, his sex drive has died and mine is still high as it always has. We've seen therapists and doctors but it just boils down to he doesn't want it any more. He knows he isn't meeting my needs but doesn't put the effort in to compromise.
Enter B, he is doing a US road trip and my city isn't in his itinerary but he comes here anyway and we go out for dinner....bam the connection as soon as we saw each other and the sexual tension is unbelievable I haven't felt so wanted in months. It's brought back all the previous emotions and desires to both of us, we didn't act on them but we have kept in touch since he's gone home. And we're both longing to be with each other...the issue is that I love my husband and he loves me and I don't want to hurt him but he isn't making an effort to meet my needs but is such a wonderful guy...B wants to meet my needs and more but I am so torn! I don't know what to do! I know I have to either end my marriage, open relationship is not an option, or end my friendship with B but I don't want to do either...any advice would be great fully accepted no matter how harsh.
Thank you
I'm not a mum so no children to worry about....just needing a some matured advice.

OP posts:

Binklesback · 17/03/2015 20:16

This maybe an extremely selfish answer - but I would say go for the passion and spark everytime . You have no children and no ties. Release your husband to have the relationship he needs and you can have the one you need too. If you're meant to be back together in the future, you will be. We live once and that spark is important, you need to feel alive. Go gently though, no affairs , do it the right way. that's my feeling, you live once and you may not be here next week live your life

GoatsDoRoam · 17/03/2015 20:20

Definitely end your marriage with A: he doesn't want to make the effort? He doesn't get to keep a wife.

Jumping straight in with B sounds a bit ill-advised and rebound-ish, especially as it sounds more like a lust thing at this point, but that's your call.

Usual (good) advice on here is to leave bad relationships, and then to stay on your own for a while, so you build up your independence and avoid going from the frying pan into the fire.

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 17/03/2015 20:21

I would agree with Binkle, you have only been married 9months,are you going to live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage? Run now and enjoy the sex,just be gentle but firm with your husband.Dont lead him to think you might come back,let him be free too.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 17/03/2015 20:21

I agree with binkles. You have no kids - life's too short

rosepetalsoup · 17/03/2015 21:15

Agree with the others! Follow your heart (and other organs).

heyday · 17/03/2015 21:26

Tend to agree with others. In any long term relationship the spark dwindles somewhat over time, but the spark in your marriage has dwindled so soon and that does not bode well. Perhaps, take a bit of time out from both of them. I do suggest that if you do finish with A then you do not keep giving him false hopes of a reunion. Close the door, if that's what you are going to do, and keep it firmly shut for good.
Do you really believe that having a full on relationship with B is going to be possible or is this just a 'sex only' sort of arrangement? this is your life but others are going to be affected too, so tread with some care.

Original poster

Telford92 · 18/03/2015 00:01

Thank you for all you're advice, a relationship with B has been talked about and we think it'd actually work out but of course you never know these things until you try them..I know that if I stick with A then I know I'll never be alone and as someone with bi polar that's a nice security net...but I might be in a resentful marriage. If I did leave I wouldn't jump straight into a relationship with B but I would stay in his spare room and see where it leads, would obviously close the door perminently with A or he would close it on me. If I take the leap will I regret it later...if I don't then I might regret that to!
B's bestfriend said he doesn't see him settling down just because he works so much but the counter argument there is that he's said he could really see himself with me...but has also said don't use that reasoning to leave my marriage which is fair...

Totally confused!!! Sorry if this seems like rambling!

OP posts:

Original poster

Telford92 · 18/03/2015 00:18

Also apologise for the spelling mistakes!! And I want to add I'd be moving in with B because the only other option is moving back in with my parents till I got back on my feet and that is not a great environment!!

OP posts:

derxa · 18/03/2015 00:26

It seems quite clear cut. You have to end your marriage because can you imagine being married 5 years down the line and still no sexual relationship. Normally I think people should give their marriages a chance but not this time. The guy you are mad about? Who knows

Thenapoleonofcrime · 18/03/2015 07:53

Moving in with B when you are not in a relationship with him and don't know if you will be is a recipe for disaster. If the new relationship doesn't materialise and you are hurt, you will have nowhere to live as well as no relationship. I don't think this sounds stable or sensible.

You are right about getting out of marriage with A as it has gone downhill very fast, but perhaps that's because that decision was also rushed and not considered- that should be a life lesson in taking longer to get to know your potential relationship partners but you are not heeding it.

Good luck, but chemistry doesn't mean you should or will be together forever. Could you move into a shared house or somewhere else, I can't believe it is B or your parents.

Twinklestein · 18/03/2015 10:04

I dunno, moving in with B will be a quick way of finding out if the relationship works or not. It will be sink or swim. I would just go for it.

Bloomingflower1 · 18/03/2015 10:27

If you choose man B, then do not use your husband as plan B. Let him go completely, so that he can form a new relationship.

GoatsDoRoam · 18/03/2015 11:55

The fact that you speak of relationships as a "security net" makes me think you should really be on your own after you leave your husband.

Searching for security in another person is a recipe for disaster: relationships last when they are between 2 people who can already each stand on their own 2 feet, and don't need another to lean on.

B sets your loins on fire - great. That's not necessarily a bedrock for a relationship.

Leave A, be on your own. Sleep with B if you can do it without getting over-invested.

MaMaof04 · 18/03/2015 13:24

Agree with all ladies- I do not know you well and all I can tell you is what I would have advised my daughters to do in such situations, and it is inline with the other ladies told you: your top priority must be to work hard to learn to live an independent life (mentally and financially). It will be just fair that you speak with your H, split with him, find a job and a room (flat sharing or lodging in someone house at a fixed rate -all expenses included- is quite cheap), start some therapy to cope with your BP and then decide about long term relationships. (Sleeping with B or someone else to meet your sexual needs is OK I think. Just do not bring in any emotions yet- as you might be still too 'needy'- I hope you are not upset by my post. Note: I read that a dopamine-deficiency problem is associated with BP and sex is known to boost dopamine .) Good Luck darling!

britneyspearscatsuit · 18/03/2015 13:40

I think if you stay in the marriage, it will only be a constant desire to look elsewhere to get those needs fulfilled.

OddBodkins · 18/03/2015 13:45

I think if you don't take this opportunity to be with B you will always regret it. The spark you two have has not dimmed over several years and if you really deep down wanted to be with your husband you wouldn't even be meeting up with him or considering it. Best of luck to you.

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