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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell do I do now?

12 replies

MonroetoAngeline · 17/03/2015 13:44

I've had a lot to deal with in the past couple of months - Mum's dementia has got worse ending up with me putting her in a care home and having to clear her house. I've been very pre-occupied with this and the guilt has overwhelmed me somewhat.
I've discovered (OK OK I looked after being suspicious) that DH has been having "virtual" sex via FB messenger with a woman he used to work with 10 years ago and has always been obsessed by. He's meeting her for lunch Hmm in a couple of days which he told me about last week before I knew what I know now....
What the hell do I do - I'm was feeling depressed before this - but he says there's nothing he can do for me. Apparently he started talking to her "to protect his sanity" - obviously from psychobitch me.

OP posts:
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 14:20

Have you confronted him? Or has he just told you he talks to her and he's going for lunch with her?
Surely he isn't actually suggesting you drive him to message her in THAT way? Right?
I'm sorry you're going through this, fwiw I'm currently leaving my partner for doing this to me 3 years ago, I could never get over it. It's always there. I didn't think it was a deal breaker, it was.
I hope you leave him but for now WineFlowers

Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 14:21

"Nothing he can do for me" so you've told him you know and he's told you that it's your fault and there's nothing he can do for you?!

honeyroar · 17/03/2015 14:23

So he knows you've seen the messages and he's blaming you!! Bin him! Let her have him. Coping with a person with dementia is exhausting and heartbreaking. You need someone to lean on big time, not someone who guilt trips you.

My ex fiancé had an affair when I was all upset about my parents divorcing. He said I'd been hard work. I felt awful and bore the guilt for us splitting up for a while. I had a few counselling sessions and they soon put me straight.

Hugs to you. My MIL has dementia and it's draining and sad.

NaiceNickname · 17/03/2015 14:24

Where are they going for lunch? If he has been brazen enough to tell you about the lunch then surely he has no problem saying where it is. I'd be very tempted, in fact no I would do it.... I'd turn up at the lunch location and calmly place a copy of the printed off Facebook messages in front of them both. Then I'd skip off home to pack his shit and get on with living my life free from a cheating scumbag.

What a prick.

What do you want to do?

Madamecastafiore · 17/03/2015 14:25

Give him a weekend bag before he leaves for lunch and tell him she is welcome to him. Maybe the real sex will be better than the virtual kind.

Call his bluff, fucker is expecting you to just roll over and let him fuck about.

mix56 · 17/03/2015 15:56

Husband does not love or respect you, what more is there to say ?
GoodBye... there is no recovering from this, particularly as he is brazenly announcing he is off to see her......
It's over

Isittimeforsandalsyet · 17/03/2015 16:09

I'm a big believer in trying to keep marriages together even after infidelity, but this is total bullshit.

If I caught my husband sexting another women and he then insisted on meeting her for 'lunch' it would be divorce for me.

I agree with mix56 that he doesn't respect you.

It sucks supporting someone with dementia and it's not particularly good fun being the partner of someone supporting someone with dementia either. I can understand that he needed an outlet for his emotions about it all, but you take up jogging, knitting or eat a cake, you don't fuck another women.

How would he have felt if he'd been in your position and you said you were going to deal with it by virtually shagging other people?

DrMorbius · 17/03/2015 16:18

When you are feeling the strain and are up against it. Isn't that the time when the person who loves you steps up and shoulders your burden with you?

albal14 · 17/03/2015 18:54

The guy is a prize twat. 'Nothing he can do for you'. Yes there is . Close the door behind you and fuck off and have your 'lunch' date. Then Fuck off!.

Heckler · 17/03/2015 19:03

Move him out. You need time to process this and decide what you want to do.

Oh. And he has been having an inappropriate relationship with her so I'd he is still going for that lunch it would absolutely be the end for me.

And how dare he blame you.

Heckler · 17/03/2015 19:04

Has he at least said sorry? He should be crawling on his knees.

mix56 · 17/03/2015 20:31

heckler, he isn't sorry. G O O D B Y E,
let him go and meet this old dog of a woman he's been letching over for 10 years.

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