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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My brother is a dick... need advice please

21 replies

Cheeseandpickles · 17/03/2015 07:29

Posted on here recently for advice on twatty DH but for the time being having to park that as my DM has gone downhill quite rapidly (awaiting confirmation of dementia diagnosis). My brother lives abroad (Europe) and we rarely speak (no major falling out, he's just totally self obsessed); he has never acknowledged birthday messages I've sent him or sends my kids cards for birthdays or indeed make any contact whatsoever.
Now that I've spent time with DM and realising extent of her decline, I've had to get onboard with doctors, social services etc etc. I've left several messages asking him to call (mentioned it was re my mum) and I've had no reply. I did get hold of his long time fiance via FB and she said 'she'd mention to him & badger but I should 'bear with' as he'd been ill'!!
This is the same couple who think nothing (they are 50!!) of turning up annually after the ski season to sponge off my elderly parents for a month, buying no groceries, lolling about the house and generally being waited on. I'm so cross with him but shall I leave it or explain to his GF what's going on and ask her to pass it on? Thanks for reading xx

OP posts:

Fairylea · 17/03/2015 07:33

Are you sure he realises what's going on? He sounds a bit of an idiot but unless you spell it out for him perhaps he doesn't realise how bad things are and the urgency to get in touch. If you didn't make this clear in your previous messages I would now.

However, if he is abroad, practically I'm not sure how much he can be involved. Unfortunately as you're here and you're able to deal with all these things it will inevitably fall to you. I think all you can do is let him know exactly what's going on and hope he might be interested in being a sounding board for any decisions.

Timeforabiscuit · 17/03/2015 07:35

I'm sorry you're going through this, with everything you've done it sounds like you've done the best by your mum.

Leave it to them and save your emotional energy. It sounds like he's a me me me type, so will probably blow hot and cold - but thats his crap to deal with.

Wishing you strength.

ajandjjmum · 17/03/2015 07:35

Are you likely to get any practical or emotional help and support from him. If not, I'd just leave it at a final message saying 'when you want to know about the state of Mum's health, get in touch with me'. And then don't give him another thought.

Sorry your Mum is unwell.

Northernparent68 · 17/03/2015 07:35

Can you e mail or Facebook message him ? If not tell his finance, It sound though that he wont be much help. I'm sorry you re going through this alone.

Original poster

Cheeseandpickles · 17/03/2015 07:42

Thanks ladies - he'd be as useful as a chocolate ashtray and he will be quite happy to leave it all to me (which I really don't mind as my FiL had it years ago so I know what may be ahead). Thing is my mum hates his GF; she is rude and makes no bones when she's up there that she doesn't like my mum. My main concern is that they will still want to turn up in May for the annual 'sponge off the parents month' (which is beyond laughable as she is worth ££££ due to an inheritance years ago but has actually stated my brother won't see a penny of it ... a real charmer!)

I'm up for doing it all myself it's just I'm struggling why he won't call especially as I've mentioned to GF that I'm putting a care package together. x

OP posts:

MinceSpy · 17/03/2015 07:43

Has your father contacted his son re his mother?

Pippin8 · 17/03/2015 07:44

Sorry this is happening to you. It can get very messy. I hope you have lasting power of attorney. If not I'd take legal advice & get it.

This happened to my DH with his dad, both brothers were not interested and used it as a way to opt out. When we had trouble contacting them ( both nearby) we just left a message saying this is what's happened, this is address of the residential home we've had to put dad in. If you want to see him please bear in mind he is very unwell with dementia. Harsh but the only way for us.

Neither of them bothered, it's been a year now & one has even moved away without telling us.

Original poster

Cheeseandpickles · 17/03/2015 07:49

Mince unfortunately my Dad is a man of few words, always has been and I think he has been impaired mentally due to a stroke a few years ago - he's almost childlike sometimes (he also has a heart condition). My Dad has never been one to step up to anything so would definitely make any call.
Pippin thankfully they draw up EPAs a few years back for me to use so have that under my belt. Thanks all for listening - I've been up since 5 pacing!

OP posts:

Pippin8 · 17/03/2015 09:08

Ah that's good. I feel for you, I really do. Sometimes my DH is so stressed with having to sort everything out, then there's the emotional trauma of seeing his dad deteriorate mentally. Look after yourself.

MinceSpy · 17/03/2015 09:09

Cheese that's tough, maybe your DB takes after Dad with his few words. Does seem as though you are the only one to shoulder the burden. As it's an important and fairly urgent issue I'd speak to the fiancée again and tell her what's going on. If he still doesn't engage and make contact then at least you know what's what.

Thank goodness you have the EPAs maybe it's time to go to the next stage. I may have to do similar in the near future so you have my full empathy.

CunningCat · 17/03/2015 09:20

for you and your mum. FB brothers gf and state clearly that the annual sponge fest is very definitely off as parents are too unwell to entertain. I wish you all the best.

Optimist1 · 17/03/2015 09:35

Presumably your aim is to put your brother fully in the picture with regard to your mother's health, whilst not expecting him to take any action? Or are you hoping that the visit in May will be an opportunity for him to shoulder a bit of the responsibility and give you a bit of a break?

Either way, I'd send him an email with full details of your mother's condition and send his fiancée a message asking her to tell him to check his emails as a matter of urgency. That way he can never say that he was unaware of how bad things had become. If you have hopes that he'll help out in a practical way you'll need to spell this out to him.

Original poster

Cheeseandpickles · 17/03/2015 09:53

The Cunning & Mince x Optomist I really only want to alert him as I know he won't want anything to do with any of the practicalities (and I'm ok with that as I'll know that it's done plus he's in Europe) mind you that said I'm 450 miles from parents at the moment. I guess ultimately I want to a0 tell him that a month visit is out the question as they contribute nothing (& my folks are not well off), his gf doesn't like my mum and it shows, and I also want o get him to stop getting his & her mail forwarded to them as it costs them a fortune to sent on (plus the aggravation too). fumes

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 17/03/2015 10:02

They're using your parents as a postbox? How long has that been going on?

shovetheholly · 17/03/2015 10:51

I would send a written message (email or letter) briefly, firmly and politely setting out the situation and your expectations without even giving them space to argue, e.g.

'As I'm sure you'll realise from this news, changes to our normal routine are now needed. For example, there is no question of your annual visit in May happening as usual. Of course, it would be lovely to see you, but you will need to find alternative accommodation in a hotel as Mum is no longer able to look after guests or to cook and care for others. She is very much 'the patient' now! It will also be necessary for you to make alternative arrangements for forwarding your mail - if you could do this by the end of April, that would be great, as we won't be able to forward it beyond 1 May.'

Keep it breezy, and don't ask - REQUEST. You are entitled to do so.

blueberrypie0112 · 17/03/2015 11:44

I would if you never get a reply from your Brother. Or you can ask her if you could have your brother call you?

BTW, I have two brothers, and they are like this too. No cards, no acknowledging I wish them happy birthday or anything. (my husband does the same but I always do things for him)

Do guys think they are exempt?

Original poster

Cheeseandpickles · 17/03/2015 13:13

Hi cozie erm, they have been taking the mick for around 6 years! I did ask him months ago to stop; he hasn't taken any heed :(

Holly that 's not a bad idea actually especially as I've been in contact with gf twice in the last two days and still heard nothing. blue she's apparently asked him to call me (said she'd 'badger him') ... I'm wondering if he's scared he needs to do something (I have no expectations in this regard). Think I need to fire off that message... will keep you posted. Ta x

OP posts:

CunningCat · 17/03/2015 13:21

I would put return to sender on all mail. Seeing as these uncaring twats won't even have a conversation with you, FB the gf stating this. What a bloody cheek!

honeyroar · 17/03/2015 13:21

I would try and get power of attorney set up ASAP so that you can control her finances should she get worse (easier to do before official diagnosis), it may be good if your brother has a tendency to sponge... I would leave him to contact you too while you're organising this (then you can say you tried to get him involved too but he never got back to you). Then I would send a message saying your mum is ill with dementia, she's doing ok but it won't be possible to stay with her in May unless they want to become full time nurses for the month (should hopefully put them off!).

Original poster

Cheeseandpickles · 17/03/2015 14:37

Just tried one final call and lo and behold he picked up but "had just put eggs in a pan for his lunch" so would get back to me. Well he did, finally, but really didn't seem that concerned saying along the lines of 'well, hey, that's old age for you'. The power of attorney is already in place and I'm up for the challenge of sorting everything out on my own when the time comes. Thanks for all the hand holding this morning - may move over to the dementia thread when times get tough. Brothers - who needs em'??

OP posts:

SugarOnTop · 17/03/2015 16:57

Sounds like they're only interested in what your mother can do for them

i wouldn't put it all and any conversations with him in writing and keep copies of all the emails sent (and any replies IF he bothers replying). tell them they have until x date to redirect their mail or you will be returning it to sender and make alternative accommodation arrangements for their 'holiday'.

i wouldn't ever mention anything about wills and inheritance to him - let him show his true colours re the lack of concern and desire to help re his mothers health and wellbeing. In case it hasn't already been done, i'd get your mother to officially draw up her will whilst she still has capacity and if (later down the line) he tries to contest his mothers wishes to not leave him a penny then you're got written evidence of his behaviour.

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