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Original poster

are we finished?

19 replies

treaclebeetle · 28/10/2006 22:17

ok, hi out there. I'm want to know if I've got things in perspective. My DD is now 4 months and over a six month period my DH has gone out on the lash and periodically not bothered answering his mobile when I call. Each time he says he's sorry and it won't happen again. He's come home very late and drunk sometimes. I'm the major breadwinner and so have gone back to work early to provide for us and he stays at home with DD.
This time his out for the weekend, he said he'd call this afternoon but not a peep. I've called him 15times and left 6 messages and still nothing. I don't mind him going out and seeing his friends just so long as he's reachable. It's caused lots of arguments and I've theatened leaving a few times. (well him leaving) but he's done it again! I don't know what time he'll be back tomorrow and only have a vague idea of where he is.
I guess I want reasurance that his behavour is unreasonable and not that of a responsible parent??

OP posts:
corblimeymadam · 28/10/2006 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
treaclebeetle · 28/10/2006 22:44

Hi Belgianbun,
I've organised to go to a mates tomorrow, but to stay for a while is difficult with me working full-time. I think you're right though - he's going to need a jolt. I feel like such a mug and I think he's in denial about how seriously what he's doing is damaging our relationship. He justifies his behavour as being ' just a few drinks with the blokes' - he doesn't seem to get it, that's not the problem it's not showing an active interest when he's not here of how me and dd are doing and not being contactable. Thanks for reafirming my feelings - sometimes you really wonder whether your going mad!

OP posts:
Ronniebaby · 28/10/2006 23:25

TB - I'm sorry but I wouldnt accept this behaviour, what if something serious happened (god forbid it doesnt) but how you would reach him then he's blame you forever for not contacting him even if you'd left a thousand message.

My dh will alway have his phone on and if in an area where no signal, he makes a point at least 2 times in the night to go and get signal and check his phone, I dont expect him to call but he always checks it as in his words, he'd never forgive himself.

Its also common courtesy to keep loved ones informed where you are, I always know the name of the pub just in case so I could ring there instead and I have all his mates mobile numbers too.

Peridot30 · 28/10/2006 23:29

Im not taking sides but staying home with a baby is hard work however he has to understand that being a daddy has responsibilities. If he is going out he should at least be reachable. a bit of advice when he is out dont phone or contact him then he will be worried about you and baby. Good luck You both need to talk. Becoming parents is HARD WORK .

lulumama · 28/10/2006 23:30

Hi Treacle

his behavior is unreasonable , you know that.

in his mind, you leaving 15 messages and calling 6 times is also unreasonable.....so probably making him more determined to say out and to stay out of touch.

you've threatened to leave / end the relationship a number of times..but haven;t..so he knows that your ultimatums are meaningless.

take the baby and go somewhere for a couple of days..show him you mean business. .if you can. But he might think that you want to end things..so think carefully about what you want.,

if having a child cannot make him see he needs to take on board his responsibilities..nothing will

may i ask how old you both are?

Peridot30 · 28/10/2006 23:41

Why should you leave? Try talking rather than leaving. Very childish walking out.

Original poster
treaclebeetle · 29/10/2006 07:22

morning,
well, he's still not back and no phone call.
Peridot30, thanks for the reply it's good to get a varied point of view. I know it's hardwork - I figured that it would be good for him to go away for the weekend (encouraged it, have a good time mate, etc, but to drop off the map?
And besides, I never get any downtime - where's a little understanding for me! I work and if I'm not at work I'm looking after dd.
hi, lulumama, believe it or not - I'm 33 and he's 30. I'm presuming your asking because this is all rather immature?
I think I will got to my mates today, this isn't 'revenge' or anything. I'll leave a note. otherwise all I can do is bum round here all day just waiting for his return.

oh and I've tried talking, begging, pleading and threatening was my last resort.

It such a small thing that seems to have got soo big.

OP posts:
Freckle · 29/10/2006 07:33

Sorry, but I absolutely would not accept this behaviour. There are many threads on here about men who work full-time and then behave like this claiming they need to wind down after work. I can see that your dh may claim the same thing, but to be totally uncontactable for such a long time, knowing that it upsets you, is really taking the piss.

Where is your downtime? When do you get to relax? Perhaps you should stop giving him money to go and get razzled.

kittythescarygoblin · 29/10/2006 08:06

Treacle, his behaviour is unacceptable. He's taking the piss and treating you with real disrespect. I think it's time you actually took some action. Words aren't going to change anything, but I think you know that.

lulumama · 29/10/2006 08:29

i did ask about the age because his behaviour does sound quite immature....especially the ignoring

you say you have tried everything...

maybe it is time to sit yourselves down with an intermediary to talk through what you want from the relationship....

if you both want it to continue or to end and what is best for your DD.....

Original poster
treaclebeetle · 29/10/2006 11:26

hello,
that's for all the messages. Still no word. I've tried calling again, I know I shouldn't have but you know - part of the pain is not knowing. Haven't been able to go to friends after all as dd is a bit grumpy and it's a long way to travel. Now I feel bad that my stress maybe affecting her!
I've casually looked into Relate for councilling and there is someone in our area we could see.

I don't know what he's going to say when he finally rocks in - If it's like past behavour then he'll act like nothing much has happen and be like 'hi ya' did you guys have a good time?
Then I'm irrate, then we have an argument, then he'll say he won't to it again.. and on it goes.
Well not this time. I'm thinking that he should move to a friends house for a while, and still come round and look after dd in the daytime until we sort something out.

so down

OP posts:
lulumama · 29/10/2006 11:59

you do need some help to break this unhealthy cycle your relationship is locked into...

and you can go to relate alone or to counselling to help yourslef cope with this and build yourself up.....

Original poster
treaclebeetle · 29/10/2006 17:47

Hi all,
hes back. said I m sorry, (thats alright then (angry) ). I ve got to get little dd off to sleep first before we try and sit down and talk about it all.
Lulumama, thanks for the sage advice, I think a counsellor is our next step and a few days break too. We clearly can t continue the way we re going.

thanks for all your messages, it would have been even more difficult to get through today without them

I ll let you know how it goes...

OP posts:
kittythescarygoblin · 30/10/2006 12:47

Treaclebeetle, any news?

kikki · 30/10/2006 17:34

Hi treaclebeetle,
It is hard for me to read your thread, I thought I was the only one. My estranged husband was exactly like this and then some!
I was the main breadwinner, he worked but brought home a pitiful salary that was spent in less than 24hours on sending money to his mother in Jamaica for her to gamble(unknown to him at first) and on going out with his mates. I paid, for food, rent, childcare etc. I tolerated it at first but when his going out became excessive i.e. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night I began to speak up. This resulted in horrible arguments, violent assaults on me, switching off his phone, disappearing, threatening to leave etc. He left me when our son was one and a half for a woman he met when he was out with his mates. I can look from the outside and say that your partners behaviour is unreasonable, but no one could have told me not to put up with my husband's behaviour at all costs. No I am out of this life of misery, which it is, I know the sound of his car engine, longed to hear his keys turning in the front door and sleeping on and off looking at the clock realising that he still hadn't come home at 6am.
You have a child and this treatment of you is NOT acceptable. I sleep like a baby now as I am not waiting for someone to come home, I don't listen out for the phone to see if it is him or the police saying he has had a terrible accident, I don't come home to arguments and I can see now that my son and I have a far better quality of life without him.
Good luck, I hope your partner can mend his ways. Mine couldn't

selee · 31/10/2006 19:49

in some cases a problem like this occurs when there are other issues going on. what those issues are, i couldn't guess.
i am not making excuses for anyone, it might be that the not answering the phone is his way of showing you that he has frustrations. are there things you need to discuss together, meaning, do you have other problems? sounds like a bit of a stand off to me.
it sounds obviuos but try and talk away from the situation. and try not phoning him for a little while when he's out, it seems to be his way of showing you he's a big swinging c**k, and he knows it annoys you and therefore carrys on tweaking you. a bit punch and judy.

good luck and best wishes!

lulumama · 01/11/2006 22:58

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
treaclebeetle · 05/11/2006 20:03

hi everyone,
wow, what support. Firstly, Kiki, I'm so amazingly in awe, as it's hard to realise that you're in a bad situation for a long time. Even harder to do something about it - I know that my self esteem has suffered and leaving or taking action is so difficult. Forutnately enough we have now been to see a counsellor and alot has indeed come to light. Problems with my DH's self esteem because of him not being the traditional 'provider' and also me because I'm not here being very controlling and demanding. It's not perfect but it's a start and things have already improved. Even I went out for an evening last week and enjoyed it. Selee you were indeed right that there are always other issues where this behavour is concerned. Gosh, I hope that things will settle down and I'm hopeful that with our continued counselling and efforts by both of us will help. I'm can't thank you guys enough for being a) interested (coz who can really talk about this stuff with anyone else, they always side on the fence) that's kept me sane. And b)the advice has been spot on.
Kiki again, well done for surviving your ordeal and doing what's best for your son and you! Good luck xxxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
treaclebeetle · 08/11/2006 21:52

Hi there,
thought my thread was dead for a mo there, DH is on his first night out since all this stuff started. Have had promise that he'll be home before midnight and that it's not a 'large one'. Here's hoping. I'm having a cheeky beer at home (grin).

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