Wedding Clash with Former Friend

[babyready]

My teenage group of friends splintered around university age, and now we all have different relationships with each other - some fallen out, some stayed close, some in touch, some not etc. The only one I drifted from got engaged last year, and she didn't let me know, or invite me to their engagement drinks or send me a save-the-date. I knew a couple of our mutual friends had been, and I was a bit sad that we'd so definitively drifted, but generally didn't think more of it.

Shortly after I got engaged myself, and we set a date a few months after.

At Christmas, I realised it was the same date, when I let on my plans to mutual friends.

One of our mutual friends is my bridesmaid, so she's coming to my day, another pair are hoping to make both throughout the day, but the other friend has just let me know she's not coming to mine.

It has completely broken my heart.

It's so difficult, because, of course, if it was the other way around, and she wasn't going to my former friend's, I know the situation would just be the same for her.

Should I have moved the date as soon as I knew about the clash?! It is only this one friend that's unable to attend as a result, but she's ridiculously important to me. Is it too late to move it now that everyone has been invited?!!

I'm also really hurt, and I don't think my friend realises how much, but I feel like letting her know at this point will just seem like emotional blackmail.

It's a shame, but you can never get a date where everyone can come. If you move it, she might be able to come but somebody else won't.

I'm sure you will have lots of guests and you and your friend can do something special together another time.

You can't move it to accommodate one friend who may not choose to/be able to go Anyway. Get over it, it's just one person

I don't think you can move the date now, not for one person. I can understand why you're so hurt though. Presumably your friend had already confirmed that she could attend the other wedding? It must be very difficult for all your mutual friends being stuck in the middle. Do something special with your friend another time?

I'm not saying that you should have moved the date, but you should have realised that you would not get everyone that is friends with both of you attending. Your friends were put in a really awkward position. Don't be awful and tell the friend that is not coming that you are upset, she probably feels torn and upset already.

A good friend of mine booked her wedding the day after mine (after our invites had gone out) because it was the only day that they could get the venue they wanted that summer ('twas a cancellation). Yes I was a bit sad that she couldn't come to ours and we wouldn't get to hers (opposite ends of the country), but we both quickly got over it, wished each other well and met up to gush about it all soon after. Seven years on we remain good friends.

Enjoy your day with the friends that are coming.

At Christmas, I realised it was the same date

Surely you must have thought at that point 'oh hang on, my friends can't be in two places at the same time...'

Sorry but the friend who's 'ridiculously important' to you just doesn't feel the same back.
She's made her choice and it's just that. Her choice.
You'll just have to get over it.

In a few years you probably won't even remember her.

Thanks - that's good advice, I'll try and find something we can do together another time.

On reflection, setting the date was so tricky anyway, I wouldn't be able to reschedule without waiting for another year, so it's silly to even think about it.

As you say, just one of those things, I'm sure it'll sting for a few days but if we're good friends we'll get over it!