Really disappointed and hurt

[HermioneDanger]

And not sure what to do to resolve the way I feel towards DH right now.

The backstory is that I'm really struggling with my mental health right now, which has been worsening for around 6-7 months. I've been proactive in seeing the doctor etc but things are really hard at the moment. I have an eating disorder (EDNOS because I'm too heavy to be anorexic) and have, of late, been plagued with suicidal thoughts. Obviously my psychiatrist is very concerned with all of this and we keep DH in the loop with him knowing how I'm feeling as its both deeply unfair to exclude him (particularly as it must be so hard for him to deal with me being so ill) and I think a big part of being able to recover is being honest about how ill you are. I've made it very clear that though I'm having suicidal thoughts I don't want to act on them but the irrational ill side of my brain keeps popping them into my head. I certainly haven't threatened suicide.

Last night DH got cross with me about a stance I've taken on our car (it's such a minor thing, it just needs addressing and I said I'd sort it out) and when I asked him to listen to my point he said "or what, you'll go off and kill yourself"

I'm really, really hurt and bewildered by this. I have told him over and over again that I don't want to die and that having seen what a friends suicide did to his family I wouldn't let things get even close to that far (I'd take myself off to A&E if I felt a danger to myself). I honestly can't believe anyone would say such a thing to anyone, let alone someone they profess to love.

He's been very apologetic and full of contrition this morning but I don't know how to move on with this. Any wise advice? Obviously leaving the bastard is nigh on impossible at the moment with the significant amount of crazy going on inside my head.

It does sound very harsh. Is he generally pretty understanding and supportive, are are these kinds of strops common?

"it must be so hard for him to deal with me being so ill"

Is he normally quite a kind man? Was that outburst out of character or typical? Because to me - in the absence of other information - it sounds like a bad-tempered comment that was instantly regretted. You say it's hard for him to deal with you and it is very, very, very difficult to be the partner without the MH issues. It's bewildering, frightening, upsetting, stressful..... it's even annoying. Even though you are keeping him involved in your treatment, who is looking after him? What support does he have?

It's really hard to say because we are only getting one side of things here.

I have a mental health problem, so I do understand what it is like to be ill in that way.

I do have a bit of sympathy here for your DH though. I know you are suffering, but he is suffering too. He loves you and it is hard to see someone you love suffer. Sometimes people express that through sadness, sometimes they get frustrated and lash out.

I suspect that your husband got frustrated and lashed out, admittedly in a totally inappropriate way at a totally inappropriate time. It's clear from what you've said that he regrets it now and is sorry for what he said.

Is he getting any support with all of this? Perhaps he should get counselling or go to a support group of some kind if he is up for that sort of thing. Perhaps you could go to counselling together.

The strops are uncommon but the viciousness of them is pretty consistent. Using my MH issues against me is a low I didn't think he'd stoop to. I do think he regretted it - as is evident from his constant apologies this morning.

He has a counsellor he sees weekly, a lot of support from our church (even though I'm the one who attends) and huge amounts of support from work, so I dont think he's being neglected or unsupported. Really we've been so impressed with work - they're fucking marvellous on this (and are normally so old-school and stiff upper lip that it has been something of a surprise they're so forward thinking on this).

The problem I now have is that I feel like he's resenting me for being ill - as if I've chosen this path. I feel massively guilty about putting him under so much pressure as it is, and now I just feel broken again.

On some level he does resent you for being ill. Being ill is unpleasant for you and very demanding for your partner. I'm currently supporting a relative through a serious mental illness (dementia) which is only likely to get worse. I have to remind myself daily that the behaviour and offensive things said are not malicious or personal but part and parcel of the illness ... but it doesn't stop me losing my temper occasionally.

He has apologised and I think you have to leave it there.

I agree. Just because you are the ill one the whole family are affected and deserve some slack. I have a long term condition that requires my DH to do much more than is fair or right. Every so often he might throw in a comment I dislike or really hurts me but on balance I can see that we are all human and all have a tipping point. Although you say he gets a lot of support do you actually express your gratitude for his support often enough?

Hope you feel better soon.