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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boundaries/access with ex

34 replies

Slashtrophe · 16/03/2015 12:43

Could do with a bit of advice - thank you in advance.

I have a difficult relationship with my ex partner. He doesn't respect any boundaries I have and will constantly harass me if he possibly can - it was an EA relationship -

We split up over 6 years ago and I have gradually made our arrangements more and more formal as if there is any 'in' for discussion he will be straight onto it and would like to endlessly discuss/change etc. So maintenance is through the CSA because he would say he was paying it and then wouldn't til I'd asked him over and over (he'd forget, or the bank had made a mistake etc etc). Access I now draw up a calendar a year in advance to stop him endlessly changing it.

And now. His latest thing is that he wants to attends all the DCs sporting activities. They are doing a lot of sport so potentially this will be across both days of weekends. On his weekends I generally leave him to it, but on mine he wants to attend all (and chat to me if possible), and he has now volunteered to help with the activities so he will be there all the time. The activities are all male orientated so he will be there with all the other dads. So of our access agreements he will potentially be there on neatly every day they are meant to be with me. He's not aggressive or anything, he's just constantly there which makes me really stressed. This then also gives him an in to text/email me constantly about the activities so I hear from him all the time too (I averaged his contact rate at 17 times a week).

I have said to him that if he can't let me have my time with them alone then either he should have less of his time with them, or I'll have to curtail their activities. Obviously the DC won't want to stop their activities, so that would be tough, and he doesn't want to drop 'his' days.

Any advice would be great. I am so tired of him trying to get back into our lives. I don't want to stop him seeing the DCs but I also don't want to spend all my time with him there. Any discussion of this leads to more reason for him to text/email/call and so 'my' weekend has actually yet again been spent dealing with him rather than spending time with the DC.

OP posts:

Pannacotta · 17/03/2015 12:43

Me ex is a bit like this.
I havent yet found a solution but I like the ignore suggestion from Patter, I would try that OP.
And don't sent the email.
Let him come to the events but talk to other people there. Don't engage with him.
Hang in there...

Original poster

Slashtrophe · 17/03/2015 13:26

I think in a different situation with a different person I wouldn't dream of trying to control access or stop them going to matches, but unfortunately my ex has proved over and over again that he is not capable of being fair or reasonable, and like I say pushes boundaries into harassment levels. I've taken ages to deal with it because it seems to have taken a long time to curb my inclination to be reasonable and fair and amicable, and to override it with toughening up a bit. Thank you all for your thoughts, its been really useful.

Re kit: I have bought them all their kit, and it typically goes to his house and disappears into a black hole. I send kit to him for his weekends, and he won't look in their bags but start texting me at 6am before the match to ask where it is (in the bag). Before my weekends I ask the kids (age 7 and 10) to remember their kit, and I text ex too. Some kit might come back, generally filthy, and incomplete. Then he will say I can go over and collect it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Slashtrophe · 17/03/2015 13:32

Sorry just read about ignoring him - it works to an extent but then he won't answer any texts/calls when they are with him - he won't tell me where they are going on holiday etc. Last time he took them away it was to a one bed flat and he put the children outside on their own in a caravan - they rang me distraught and I had no idea where they were.
He will also tell them lies about things (told the youngest that he (the DC) used to live on his own with him for months at a time)
He'll borrow their passports and not give them back....

OP posts:

PatterofaMinion · 17/03/2015 14:41

Wow...I'm not sure what to say, The man is a complete cock.

I do wonder if it would be worth cutting access right back to what is very manageable for you and doesn't give him the opportunity to lose their things, keep their passports and so on.

Like, a few hours at a time and YOU take their kit to the playing field so he does not have a chance to lose it.

I don't know where to begin but he sounds like a bloody nightmare

Original poster

Slashtrophe · 17/03/2015 14:56

Thank you Patter, your support is much appreciated, yes he's a total nightmare!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 17/03/2015 23:25

Is this contact court-ordered? Because things like disappearing with them and leaving them alone in a caravan are pretty dodgy. It might be worth having a word with both Women's Aid and a lawyer as to whether you could get tighter restrictions in place. And if there is no court order, it might be time to tell him that he can fuck off and apply for one if he can't behave like a grown up, because you are going to stop his contact and take out a non-mol order to put a stop to his constant harassment.

Do the DC actually enjoy spending time with him? Or are they distressed by his idiot behaviour?

cestlavielife · 18/03/2015 10:26

its presumably a public field or sports centre so you cant stop him turning up. he can go and watch them play or whatever, you cant stop him volunteering either.

but you can set boundaries around what happens before/after.

stop telling him you are unreasonable you a e this you are that...it doesn't matter what you think of him .

just say "in my weekends i will be taking the boys to/from sports activities and we wont have time to chat. while they are doing the sports, I will be busy with my own work and will not be available to chat to you. "

cestlavielife · 18/03/2015 10:29

re kits - get duplicate kit that he keeps his place and is responsible for. so you not involved with kit on his weekend. might cost but worth it...

you want line of least involvement/least reason to text discuss.

if kids call you distressed from a caravan in middle of nowhere call police. they can track.

cestlavielife · 18/03/2015 10:35

ps my ex did this with a music activity dds attended...parents sat in cafe bit while various lessons went on... however they started not wanting to go at all so we stopped. they said they didnt want to do the music any more... it was costly too...ex used any opportunity to rant about how i had stopped to stop them seeing him at the music place. harassed a lot and insisted that the centre would give lessons for free so it wasn't the money issue..this wasn't true i ended up having to call the centre head as she was obviously saying things to ex like "oh such a shame your dds not here; any time they want to come back let me know" as he was still going there for a while to play guitar... she clarified that yes she had said such things to ex but no she didn't mean "come back for free"!

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