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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Teetering on the brink

15 replies

MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2015 08:48

I am teetering on the brink of separating from my husband, but the responsibility for doing that is heavy on my shoulders.

My child and I have everything that money can buy, but I have had only one appreciative comment from my DH in the last five years. Maybe two if I count the time that he said to friends that I was vigilant about brushing our child's teeth. I have long since given up on being loved and live with very low expectations.

Mother's day and the reluctant air that came from DH has finished me off.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 08:49

Does he know that the marriage is hanging by a thread? Have you done any research into the practicalities of divorce?

Original poster
MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2015 08:57

We had a row a fortnight ago in which I admitted that I was having doubts.

I went to see a solicitor about 18m back and might do so again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2015 09:00

Thank you. I feel better for having written it.

We also have a family member who is quite dependent on us emotionally and I feel as if the whole damn edifice depends on me never saying 'jump'.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:00

I think that's a good idea. If you've decided you want to end the marriage, find out the score from a solicitor, have a plan in your mind how to manage practical matters (finances, living arrangements, parenting) and then present him with something that is not quite a fait accompli but which leaves little room for argument.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:01

"family member who is quite dependent on us emotionally"

Are you really saying that it's his family member but that they depend on you emotionally?

Original poster
MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2015 09:09

Yes, they are lovely too..

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:14

Sadly, it's just one of those awkward things that divorce and separation throw up. ILs sometimes have to be sacrificed if you're to move on successfully. When I was married I got very attached to my exH's little nephews and nieces but, since we split, being in touch hasn't really been practical for a lot of reasons.

If it's his family member, they're his responsibility.

Original poster
MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2015 09:16

There are two other factors.

  1. Family. I have little family support and no one in the family has ever been divorced.
  1. DH is a very strong personality, alpha male, high earner. I am frightened of what the process might unleash.
OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:21
  1. Your family are not married to your husband, you are. If you don't have their support that's their problem, not yours. Independence always has pros and cons. It can only ever be a personal judgement whether the benefits of divorce outweigh the cons of staying in a bad marriage.
  2. Be prepared for all consequences. Anger and upset at being rejected is to be expected. That's why I say to get your information together and your legal advice first. If you think there is personal risk of harm attached to finishing the marriage, make safety a top priority.
Original poster
MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2015 15:53

I contacted the other solicitor this morning and am making an appointment.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 16:24

Good luck with the appointment. Whatever you ultimately decide to do with the information, I think it never hurts to know what your options, rights and responsibilities are.

Original poster
MaybeDoctor · 23/03/2015 15:56

I thought that I would update as you were kind enough to stay with me during the thread.

I did see the solicitor. It was very helpful. But he did say that he had the feeling from me that I wasn't quite ready to proceed.

I am waiting for some dust to settle on a busy period at work - haven't wanted to risk a big emotional upset and throw an important deadline completely - then talk seriously to my DH with some alternative proposals.
Thinking of a trial separation of some kind.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 23/03/2015 16:06

Do you think your DH would consider counselling?

Original poster
MaybeDoctor · 24/03/2015 10:20

He has always said no up till now, but he hasn't yet realised just how serious I am.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 24/03/2015 11:12

When there are kids involved, I think you owe it to them, and to yourselves, to try every avenue before splitting. (Except in cases of abuse, but this doesn't seem to be the case for you?)

That doesn't mean you should put up and shut up - but if both of you are willing to compromise a bit and learn different ways of communicating, then perhaps the marriage could still be rescued.

If you lay it on the line and he still refuses to go, then to me that's basically him saying "I want a divorce".

Again - if there is abuse present then I would go straight to divorce, not counselling. But from your opening post it just sounds more like there is little love.

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