Friend being insensitive

[Findingthishard]

I'm a regular poster and have NC-ed. Pom bears, etc. I thought about posting this in AIBU but was afraid I might get savaged.

TTC is currently not an option due to some ongoing medical treatment I'm having. I'm in my mid-30s and always thought I'd have children by now but it's just not possible, which is pretty upsetting.

A lot of my friends have children now and it's hard seeing that. I do my best to be happy for them and not be an arse. I'm having counselling (not specifically for this, but it has helped) and I have a couple of friends without children who I can talk to so I don't subject the friends with kids to my feelings. I'm genuinely happy for my friends who have kids, and sad for myself, and usually good at not muddling these.

But one friend has been very insensitive and I don't know what, if anything, to say to her. A couple of years ago, I told her I was upset because TTC isn't possible for us right now, it was hard seeing friends get pregnant and I was feeling down about it. The next day, she told me she was pregnant. It was early days, she wasn't showing, and I wished she had waited just a week or something to tell me, but never said anything to her.

Last week, she told me she was pregnant again. She lives quite far away so wouldn't have the chance to tell me in person. She sent me a picture of DC1 holding a sign saying they were going to be an older sibling. Fair enough, it's her news to break how she wants. My issue isn't with the picture.

It caught me at a difficult moment and I didn't reply straight away as I was worried I might not be my best self. So I left it for a bit. That afternoon, she texted me saying: "Did you see my picture?" I didnt reply, as I thought the most diplomatic thing was to seem like I was busy and hadnt looked yet.

The next day, she texted me AGAIN asking if I had seen the picture, which made me feel pressurised into replying. I don't know what, if anything, to say. I get that she's happy and emotional and whatever else and my feelings are my problem but i'm frustrated that she's not been able to empathise and understand that I wasn't ready to reply.

I don't want to upset her and I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I should say something. I don't want to spoil her news but I feel like she's been very insensitive. And I'm not asking for much, just wanted to respond in my own time. Or am I just being an arse here?

This must be so difficult for you, OP.

Your friend is being insensitive, but at the same time she is probably very excited at announcing her pregnancy.

If you value the friendship, I wouldn't say anything as I think it could take a sour turn. I'd probably just be very diplomatic in your response and make out that you've been really busy the past couple of days.

I don't think she is being intentionally unsympathetic, she's just excited, and as you are feeling (quite rightly) very sensitive about the issue then normal behaviours may seem to you more like a dig. Does that make any sense?

I am sorry you're so upset

OP I understand how you feel. And unless you're in that boat it's impossible to know how soul-destroying it is.

Noone had done anything wrong until your friend started pressuring you to respond. She knows how you feel but isn't exercising any sensitivity - she needn't have sent you that pic either and could have just sent a short text to announce her news.

Text back when you feel up to it and say 'Sorry for the delay, I have been feeling low recently. I wanted to text you when I felt a little better. ...Congratulations on your exciting news :) etc'

I too understand your feelings, I'm in my 40s and couldn't have children. Every time a friend announces that they're pregnant it's like a little stab to my heart and I usually end up having a little "why not me" cry.

That said, I think that you have to just suck it up and cross the bridge. I don't think it's fair personally to spoil their excitement and kind of make them feel bad. I find it's easier to just fire off a congratulations text and be done with it. You can deal with coming to terms with it after you send a text just as you'd do it before.. Even though it makes me sad it's still a special time for them, and I am still pleased for my pregnant friends. I personally wouldn't want to think that my being sad had taken some of the shine off for them.

I think your friend - especially with her first pregnancy - maybe was trying to be sensitive, by telling you asap and not letting you find out third hand from someone else. Again with the second pregnancy, she perhaps was anxious that she'd not heard from you and had upset you?

There's no way she can know how you're feeling unless you tell her. She can't read your mind, nor can she know the best and gentlest way to break her news, without causing too much upset. This is of course very unfortunate but she might trying her best to get it right, amidst hormone flying everywhere, and sadly she's getting it wrong and you're upset. As for sending the picture, maybe she felt she hit the wrong tone telling you early first time around, and this time thought she'd treat you the same as everyone else, hence the picture?

Now she might just be an insensitive arse, I couldn't know that. But if you think about her, is she someone with a 'get over it' attitude, or would she be mortified to have upset you?

It's a tricky minefield for everyone. I'm really sorry you can't TTC at the moment and very much hope that changes in the near future.

patience's text suggestion is spot on

I'm wondering if she's messaging to make sure you've seen it before she tells others and she's worried about you finding out from someone else so trying to be sensitive - similarly maybe why she told you very early on last time. It's really hard on both sides. she won't want to upset you but avoiding the topic and not telling you could be even worse. It's really hard to know what to do and she'll be excited. I'm so sorry this is hurting you and totally understand why you feel upset xx

I agree - a simple "been busy sorry...but congratulations!" will be fine. Don't feel you have to go over the top with delight, you feel as you do and that's understandable.
Yes your friend has been insensitive in demanding a response, but not with intention imo. She'll be wrapped up in her own excitement, and won't have stopped to think about how her news might impact on you. If she's generally good the rest of the time, I think you'll have to nurse this ouch by yourself. Please accept a friendly squeeze from me though. xxx

Thanks everyone, some really helpful responses. Apologies for brevity, am at work but wanted to say thanks.

What is wrong with you lot?

OP's 'friend' = insensitive and stupid. She would also have to be seriously thick to not think through the implications of her nagging you to look at her picture.

OP - just text something back along the lines of 'how lovely' and leave it at that.

How irritating is she?

I wouldn't explain myself for the slow response. She only seems worried about herself so it would be wasted. Just text a congratulations, wonderful news type text.

Think I would distance myself a bit too.

I understand how you feel,
Last year I had within days of each other people tell me they were pregnant , you try to be pleased and in away you are but it still hurts.
Yes your friends are excited but they also should consider you

I got pregnant a couple years ago ,it would have been the baby's due date last weekend, I was so excited but I also didn't push it in ppl faces as I knew two people ppl were trying and had been for years .

I ended up blocking the one girl on fb as I couldn't stand the daily bump pics , but the other even said to me I know it's difficult and now I love seeing pics of her baby, .

Wanting but not being able to have a baby is hard.

She's being a bit pushy but you are being rude by dinging her.

Say a polite congratulations and leave it there.

Definitely talk this through with your counsellor- this scenario is going to keep happening, and it's better for you to plan your response so you don't have to dwell or be more upset by it than you need to be.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have friends in similar positions and I constantly worry that I've said the wrong thing (and I'm sure I have sometimes!) but I do really care. I hope your friend does more 'friendly' things in the future, and that you are able to put this to one side and move past it.

I think a message explaining, in very light terms, why you didn't reply immediately would be more helpful and might gently nudge her to think about why she was being an impatient thoughtless arse. I'd text back something along the lines of 'Yes I saw the pic, brilliant news and how happy DD looks, I'm thrilled for all of you. Sorry I didn't reply earlier but your pic caught me at a low moment and I just needed a little time to stop feeling sad. I'm there now so would love to come visit and celebrate in person in May'. That is off the top of my head before my first coffee of the day so it's far from perfect.
However ultimately you know your friendship and whether your friend was being thoughtless in a kind happy way or if they're a passive aggressive person, equally only you know whether that text would make you/her feel good or bad. This is just an honest reflection of what I'd write of a close friend of mine had done similar; I have a close friend who is unable to have children and is heartbroken about it, and if I were insensitive enough to do something like your friend did then this is the sort of message I'd want: without blame but very definitely letting me know there had been a problem and I should have acted differently.

kiki has put it perfectly.

Thanks all. Jackieharris I don't know what you meant to type so can't comment on whether I'm actually being rude.

This friend also said some very insensitive things after having her first child and I feel like I'm actually quite annoyed with her but am aware that it's not really about her.

Littleturkish I did indeed talk it through with my counsellor. I think I normally cope much better - happy for whichever friend and sad for myself - but my counsellor noted that I am not being straightforward with this friend and that's why it's got to me so much. Not saying it's my fault, just an observation that I am doing internal gymnastics to hide how I feel.

I think she was being thoughtless in a happy way, but in a way that was really self-absorbed to a degree that has shocked me because I can't really imagine behaving like that. I can't imagine what message I would want because I would never pester a friend in that way.

I had a friend who had a hard time conceiving and she told me, in a nice but honest way, that she didn't feel up to visiting me with the children one time when she was really having a hard time. I think its fine for you to have needs too- her need is to share her joy, yours is for others to be sensitive and for you to not have to think about ttc endlessly by not having it shoved in your face (which she is doing).

I think Kiki's message is a good one. Her needs don't trump yours and she sounds massively insensitive, I also think a phone call would be better for this stuff than messages/replies which are easily misunderstood, it can be easier to get your point across in a call.

Tons of sympathy OP. I'm in a vaguely similar position to you and I completely understand why you feel as you do.

I find with pregnancy announcements, it helps to get the congratulations out of the way as soon as possible, so then its done. I reply to FB announcements as soon as I see them with 'lovely news' or similar, then move on. I find that putting it off just makes me feel worse.

And yes, your friend is being massively insensitive. Some people just are self-absorbed and insensitive, and being a parent seems to intensify that if anything. I'm having issues with an insensitive friend right now, and I have decided to just take a massive step back - see less of her, keep things light and fluffy when I do see her and not share any emotional stuff. You need to protect yourself - you're grieving and feeling very fragile. I'm so sorry for what you're going through

I've been TTC for two years. I completely understand how you feel. All my friends are TTC, two are pregnant, some have had two in the time I've been having surgery to help make it possible and trying. It's soul destroying. I've had no end of insensitive comments, one friend asked me to do her baby shower, others have been extremely sensitive.

Your friend sounds like she's in her own bubble. It can make you resentful, I really struggle to be happy for people who fall pregnant so fast. I know that makes me sound like an awful person but I'm not! Not usually. It's a horrible place to be.

I think she should have text you without a picture. But then I know what it feels like to be on the other side. A friend sent me a picture of her positive test (I have seen over 100 negatives, she was on first month of trying) and I sat in my car and cried. Couldn't drive home for tears. She does sound ignorant of your struggle but then ignorance is bliss! She can't possibly understand unless she has experienced it, you have to forgive her for that (I struggle with this but I know it's right)

Send a quick congrats and leave it at that.

I agree with Captain. I think she is being insensitive and rubbing salt in the wounds practically mithering you to look At the picture.!!! Op you're hurt and jealous and my goodness no one would or could possibly blame you.
If it's too painful to say congratulations then don't say it. There'a no lAw that says you hAve you have to congratulate every pregancy announcement. Hers included.!
Take care and don't be hard on yourself. X

I have a friend who is really really struggling to conceive. In the time she has been ttc i have had three children. She would be a fabulous mum and is godmother to my children and i find it very difficult sometimes to know how much to share with her. However I spoke to her a few years ago and she insisted that i should treat her exactly the same as if she had a child - no special treatment for birth announcements etc, invited to kids parties, occasionally listen to my sleepless night whinges.
In your situation she would have been offended if she found out i hadn't sent her the same photo as other people. Just to give you a slightly different perspective. Although the follow up texts are a bit...odd.

I really think you need to try to separate the two things. Your fertility and others having children.

The two aren't related. I think you have shown a good degree of self analysis in this area already but it puts others who are pregnant in a tricky position.

In all honesty I would be of the opinion that they aren't antagonising you. If you felt something was said or done out of spite then tackle it head on.

Hi OP. I had to post in support as I know exactly how you feel! We can't have a family at the moment either due to some really unpleasant (long-term) medical treatment.

Friends are announcing pregnancies left, right and centre. Each time it's a total punch in the gut.

However, I think one huge difference is that I haven't told anyone that I'm upset about the possibility we may never be able to have children, so unless they have actually Googled the medical treatment (which I would do if it was a friend, to better understand how to support them, but I digress) then they won't actually know how much it hurts.

Your situation is very different. I think your friend is being really insensitive and cruel, actually. I totally get that she's excited. I think she should have just sent a text without a photo, personally, but the hassling afterwards is so fucking rude and self-absorbed! And I don't think I'd get over that easily.

I'd just send a text "congratulations, you must be so excited" (and nothing else). Then distance yourself from her.

If you wanted to explain a bit (don't feel you have to, but if you think the friendship is salvageable) then I'd send one saying you've had some of your own stuff going on the last few days, but that's lovely news, etc.

But personally I think she sounds awful.