Awful break up situation and Ex-Ps behaviour is becoming worrying

[ComtesseDeSpair]

Ex-P and I have recently separated, mainly due to his infidelity: I have discovered him on sex sites (Adultwork, Collar Space, Craigslist, swinging forums) trying to arrange meet-ups several times throughout our relationship and forgiven him when he begged and cried for another chance. The most recent discovery was the final straw and I said we were finished. I have always found him out due to my spidey senses tingling prompting me to check his iPad history, which has then led me to all the websites he's been using and his profiles and messages.

We still have to live together as we co-own our house. He has refused to buy me out; refused to talk sensibly about me buying him out; will not cooperate with arrange sale. Recently, he has become incredibly aggressive - shouting and swearing at me if I ask him if we can discuss he house; texts and emails saying he hates and despises me and is going to make the whole process as difficult for me as he can, that I can't afford to mess with him or make him angry.

He has entirely re-written the circumstances of our break-up - now insists that I knew all about him using the sites and agreed to it; that I am lying in saying that it was behind my back; claiming that he only used the sites sometimes to catch me out and see if I was still snooping on him and would never have gone through with actually meeting up; and is generally constructing an argument where he is the poor victim of my despicable behaviour in snooping on him, which he is declaring . Whilst we did consider experimenting with polyamory in the early stages of our relationship, I later changed my mind and we agreed to be monogamous - largely because the activities we initially discussed such as swinging clubs and finding another couple to have fun with quickly gave way to him wanting to try far more hardcore stuff that I didn't want to be involved with. However, he spent a lot of time trying to "encourage" me to change my mind again and go ahead with it, including saying he'd leave if I didn't let him see other women or promising that he'd marry me if I went dogging, let him arrange gangbangs for me, or let him keep a sex slave in the house. (Just reading back this stuff makes me feel queasy.)

I'm actually becoming quite scared of him. He has always been verbally abusive and controlling, scary in itself, but it's now almost as if he genuinely believes he has done nothing wrong and that I am the bitch to be hated and despised for checking up on his online activity. I accept what I did was wrong but needed to know if he was up to no good again. I have been proven correct every single time I have checked up. This weekend he has been demanding I send him selfies to prove where I am as he doesn't believe I was stuck here unable to get home due to transport issues.

If I asked the police to log the situation now just in case it escalated, would they take me seriously? There's been no violence as such and the things he's said aren't necessarily criminal. If I explained that he is starting to appear unstable because of the aggression, what he insists the situation is and the way he would rather text for hours about all my failings in our relationship and how I was a let own as he only ever wanted me for kinky sex than sit down like adults and discuss our house and finances, would they just record it in case he kicked off in the future?

I just want to move on. He seems just to want to extend our misery and hurt me.

You cannot stay in that environment, the increase in aggressive behavior is very worrying. I'm not sure what you can do legally but I'm sure someone will be along with practical solution. There is no way you should be living wi this man though. I wouldn't even worry about his rewriting of your history, he's done something wrong and is now trying to pass blame onto you instead by making it seem like you were in agreement with the infidelity, you know what happened so ignore it.

I think you need Women's Aid - and a great lawyer too. He is abusive. And the sexual coercion stuff makes me feel quite ill. Just another layer of abuse isn't it. Even without physical abuse he is abusing you now. I think he is scared the truth will out about him so he is trying to rewrite history. And why do you need to prove where you were this weekend? You are split up and it is none of his business.

But who cares what he thinks or wants. He has behaved in the most hideous way towards you and you need to protect yourself. I would also advise STI testing - sorry.

You really don't need to defend yourself. You can split for whatever reason you want, and yours are more than valid.

He is clearly an aggressive, controlling, abusive, and sexually nasty man (a sex slave, wtaf!) and you are right to be concerned. Yes, he will blame you, there is no way around that: his type never accept any responsibility or blame.

Your job now is to protect yourself. Do go see the police, tell them of his threats and your concerns, and your belief that it may escalate. You don't need to tell the police the ins and outs of it, but this bit is what you need to inform them of:

"Recently, he has become incredibly aggressive - shouting and swearing at me if I ask him if we can discuss he house; texts and emails saying he hates and despises me and is going to make the whole process as difficult for me as he can, that I can't afford to mess with him or make him angry."

The business with the selfies also shows what a controlling and abusive man he is. If you can arrange to speak to the police's DV liaison officer, they may be better trained than regular police to understand the circumstances you are facing. Tell them of his history of abuse and control, his current threats, and your belief that it will escalate now that you have made it clear that you are splitting up.

What you could do is move out. Stop paying what you are towards the house and bills.

This puts him in the position of paying your share of the mortgage whilst knowing that you will get a share of the proceeds when the house sells.

I'm thinking that would upset him.

In the meantime I would ring your mortgage provider as they may have some experience and advice of what can be done here.

Other than that, have you got free legal advice cover on your home insurance? Often it is included and you get put straight through to a qualified solicitor who will tell you what your rights are etc.

Other than that try googling the question, some good law website may have the answer as to what can be done.

I'm pleased you have seen the light. He sounds slightly deranged and his behaviour surrounding sex is certainly not normal or common.

Definitely tell the police and call Cab / woman's aid for advice . Are you in the house
with him at the Moment? It all sounds like a very dangerous escalation to me. Are there any Dc?sorry this is all over the place as a reply, my poorly toddler is trying to reply too, just didn't want to read and run.

Thank you for your answers. I'll call the police today. I suppose if they do nothing else there will at least be a record of the call?

Would the police want to come to the house? I can see it all kicking off if he found out I'd told them. He has already called me every name under the sun as he found out I've told a close friend of mine, who is the wife of one of his friends, and extrapolating that to me having "blabbed lies" to everyone we know.

I am staying in a hotel until tomorrow - I visited my parents at the weekend and my flight was late so I couldn't get home. I feel safe in the hotel but the hate-filled texts are still horrible to receive.

I have thought about moving out and leaving him in the house with the bills - he earns several times what i do and could easily afford it. But I don't want to jeopardise being able to possibly buy him out of the house - either from a legal perspective or because he is so incandescent with rage over me moving out that he refuses all communication. Our house is an unusual property in a slow market - if we have to do a market sale I could be stuck connected to Ex-P for years.

No DC together - one of the main reasons it makes so much more sense to try and sort practicalities quickly. We'll both walk away with no need to see each their again.

He says that he wants to break up with me as much as I do him - which is one of the reasons why his behaviour is quite frightening. It's utterly irrational, like a switch has gone in his head

I think I do recall the home insurance including legal cover - thank you s much for reminding me, I'd never have remembered myself.

He has already called me every name under the sun as he found out I've told a close friend of mine

Bullies like to think they're all powerful and would much prefer their targets to keep quiet and suffer in silence. I would certainly keep any meetings with him to public places and would not go home to fetch anything unaccompanied. Do you know his place of work?

Spk to Women's Aid, see if a Non Molestation order can be arranged.

This is a dangerous situation. I hope your police Harm Reduction or DV unit are able to assist you.