Mixed up about previous life events, can I have some perspective please?

[TWOBANANAS]

Been with partner for 22 years. 12 years ago I fell pregnant, OH didn't want a baby, wasn't ready etc. ( etc.) but he said it wasn't what he wanted, he just couldn't imagine himself with a baby etc. and so I had an abortion which I regret to this day. My OH has never married me either, saying it's not something he has wanted etc. etc., doesn't want a big do etc. knowing all along that marriage is important to me. Due to these two events I have a constant feeling of self doubt and a feeling that I was/I am never good enough.

We now have 2 children, still unmarried but engaged but have been for 13 years. In the same situation how would you feel about both these two things? I had a really bad day yesterday going over these things and just want to know if I'm over analyzing things or should just move on.

What do you want? you are going along with what your partner wants but decide what you want and go for it.

Sorry things are tough emotionally for you. This is a tentative thought as it's hard to conclude much from a few lines on the internet but I wonder whether you chronically sacrifice your needs and desires to his, leading to you feeling very unhappy. He wasn't ready for a baby so you had an abortion. He doesn't want to get married so you have been engaged for thirteen years. It's not that there is anything wrong with having abortion or being unmarried objectively so I'm not sure that you will get perspective as such from others' feelings on these issues on the thread. What's wrong, possibly, is that you are not able to assert your needs in this relationship and are choosing to appease him instead, maybe because you are scared that if you do not do so you will lose him and you cannot bear the thought of being abandoned by him. This fear can be very crippling and stifling and lead to deep unhappiness, ime.

Therapy might be a good idea to explore this further. Do you have family and/or good friends to talk to?

If I had to take a stab at it I'd say that you were regretting let this man run your life. At least two very significant life decisions - having a child and getting married - have been taken out of your hands. If you tend to defer to his wishes a lot & need to ask his permission, over time, that's going to make you feel unimportant and overlooked. It's unequal

Engaged for 13 years and no sign if a wedding is bound to make you think that he's waiting for something better to come along. Do you feel financially secure? Are you joint owner of any property, for example? Do you have wills in each other's favour? And how is the relationship generally? If you have made sacrifices (and are still conceding to him) and getting nothing in return, you're bound to have doubts. Is he worth it? Are you worth more?

Well, if you really want to get married you're obviously with the wrong man. Was in a similar situation as you for a shorter period of time. I got out as he didn't wanted to get married. I had a constant underlying feel of not feeling good enough.

Although a relationship is a two way way thing it's important that you get most of your needs met most of the time otherwise resentment sets in.