Anyone abadonned by mother in later life?

[moodymrs]

Hi there I would like to know if there is anyone out there who has been abadonned by a parent, especially a mother, after childhood? After a rocky childhood I am now in my 40's and reasonably ok. Not thriving, but coping, managing, you know.... My father rejected me as a child and now after a lifetime of poor relationship with her my mother has decided she doesnt want anything to do with her children and has gone. I dont know where she is. She moved without leaving a forwarding address or telling anyone. I dont see my sisters (long story, not close, never lived together, live abroad) and they dont know where she is either. I know she is alive. I think I am going through the grieving process but the thing is, she isnt dead! She just doesnt want me. I am struggling to cope with the fact I am unwanted even though things werent that good between us, I still wanted a relationship with her. I think I could cope with the fact one parent didnt want me, but both? It must be me, although I dont know why she has done what she has done, no explanation, I must be really worthless.

Most of the time I am ok and just get on with life but every few months I have a meltdown and feel really bad. Finding it difficult seeing friends Mothers Day photos.

This hasnt been my decision and even if it sounds daft, I worry about her.
I dont mean to sound sorry for myself, but I would like to hear from anyone who is in similar circumstances, maybe I could offer some support to others, in return for a little myself? Or do you think I should get over it and get on with my own life?

Wow. It is not you it is her, im sorry. You need to see your doctor and get some talking therapy asap

No, you aren't worthless at all.
Who knows why your Mother has done what she's done but it still isn't your fault but is a bit of a worry.
Is her health OK, if you're in your 40's I'm guessing she's in her 60s, do you siblings have NO idea where she is?

I feel a bit silly as I'm not a child, I'm too old to be orphaned! But mothers arent supposed to do this, they are supposed to be there and love us.

You dont need to feel silly but you do need a professional to speak to about this. This is an extreme thing to do I imagine not the first hurtful thing she has done

Thankyou for replying,
Wreckingball; she is nearly 80, she is a very mixed up woman but healthy for her age. I dont know which I dread most, her dying without us meeting again or her coming back and doing this again.

Thankyou lovedandexhausted. I'm not sure that sort of therapy is for me, I dont think I could talk endlessly about my problems, I just get on with things. (Not that this isnt good advice for other people)

She's nearly 80 and has just disappeared is a bit worrying no?
And you aren't too old to feel orphaned, I lost my Mum two and a half years ago and I'm no spring chicken, I still miss her like mad.

Wreckingball, I'm not suggesting she has been kidnapped! I spoke to her neighbours, she definitlely planned the move and made it happen.

Hi OP,
I feel like I have to reply to this post because I am in a very similar situation except I am much younger but I can definitely relate to your story.
My father, a terrible person, abandoned me and my brother as a child (making sure to pop back in our lives every now and then saying he had changed just to turn into an heartless monster the next second) and my relationship with my mother has always been rocky and at 19 she basically kicked me out of the house told people I had 'ruined' her life etc... I have since moved to the other side of the world (Australia) where I work and live for now and we only communicate very rarely and when we do it's always very formal.

It's been very hard for me (even though I went on with my life and don't think about it much as I am very busy) as I felt 'orphaned' even though both my parents are alive. I too sometimes felt worthless etc... but I realize now that both my mother and father were/are toxic for me and that pursuing a relationship with them would only damage me further. I am of course very saddened that my relationship with my mother ended this way and I do feel lonely sometimes as I don't have much family to rely on, especially abroad.

But I am in a so much better place right now (mentally) without them in my life even if it stings. You are not worthless at all, your parents were obviously not suited to be parents and are missing out on their amazing daughter, their loss not yours. Are you married or do you have kids you can count on rough days ? I am afraid I have no advice for you as I am in same situation but wanted you to know you weren't alone.

Maybe the therapy could be a good idea, even if you don't think so ? I didn't think so either but it actually helped me to talk to someone that could give me a different point of view and wouldn't judge me.

Try to ask yourself if your life would be any better or actually worse if your mother was back in it ? My mother as much as I love her used to cause me a lot of stress and anger, I rarely feel anxious and am much more patient now.

Hope you'll be feeling better soon and don't be too harsh on you for your parents poor decisions. Feel free to talk to me whenever if you wish to. :)

Melimelo - you have put into words exactly my thoughts and more or less my situation. I agree, it took me years to realise that it was them not me.
Even after they both passed away, the guilt of why was I not worthy of them stayed with me.
I still looked after my father when he was dying. (looking for approval)

Mother moved abroad, she didn't want to know her grand children. Why would she when I was not good enough for her?
Year have passed now, I am beginning to see it all for what it was.

In this situation we suffer from elements of attachment disorder. Sometimes it is difficult to keep a sense of proportion in relationships with our own DCs and DPs.

It is a struggle but as you get older you can put it behind you and enjoy your own life. Best wishes to all in this situation.

So sorry to hear this op. We're in the same situation with my mil. She's rejected my DH throughout his life, rejected his wife, (me), & now has rejected his children.
Withdrawing like this is one of the most aggressive & destructive things that a person can do, (DH & I are both still in counselling). The fault is hers, not yours, she is the one with a very serious problem. For her, motherhood is not about unselfish, caring, unconditional love, it is about power & control. If you will not be controlled by her, you will be rejected.
I know that DH' s sibling, (who in his mid 40's still lives with her), will have been nauseatingly sycophantic yesterday, bowing to the power of mother.
She doesn't acknowledge her 2 grandchildren or my DH even at Christmas or on their birthdays, but you know what? We´re better off without her & her emotional abuse & her flying monkeys.
Breaking contact hurts you, makes you question yourself & erodes your confidence. This is what she wants to bring you back into line: power & control, not love.
Cut yourself free & live life as a caring, loving person that your mother clearly isn't.

Is she mentally ill?

Could she be suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia or have had a nervous breakdown?

The only reason I ask is that it's not uncommon for people to disappear when they are mentally ill. I hope for your sake (and your mother's) that this is not the case but I think you should consider it as a possibility. There are a few organisations/charities that can help you so it might be worth contacting to see if they can help.

I immediately thought fight or flight response - run off instead of sorting out her relationship with you..maybe she doesnt know how. But given her age I can fully understand why you would be worried about her and I starting to think about health concerns too.

I think you sound normal - all those feelings seem a normal reaction given your circumstances. How you respond to these feelings is up to you... is it worth talking to social services or police - is she vulnerable in anyway?

I knew a woman a few years ago who stopped contact with her grown up kids after divorce from their father. He is a big bully with a desperate need to be liked and forced them choose between him and her. To rebuild her own life new from scratch (with no money and no job) she said that it was too toxic (by which I mean she was made the villain) for her to keep contact her kids since they had made their choice. The father still goes around locally and makes out that she was certifiable and unnatural, but I thought she was just a good/normal/ordinary person in a bad relationship. Don't know how it is for her now, but those kids, who I still see occasionally, carry on with the psycho names. I'm just wondering what people are supposed to do if they need to save themself and the kids really were be ok? How would she, or anyone, get a relationship back from that?

It's quite understandable how you are feeling. It's not you!

I've had two 'critical moments' in my life a bit like this. First was after my dad died, lots of people flocked round my mum saying she didn't need to worry about her kids as were nearly grown up (14 & 16!) and she needed to concentrate on her own life. Actually having been through two years of watching one parent die, we badly needed a bit of parental love, but I felt bad about needing attention. Then when my mum was widowed again (in her late 70s) her sister flew in to 'rescue' her and there followed a very difficult time when my aunt basically fought a dirty war against me to cut me out of my mum's life, and told my mum all sorts of lies about me. This was because she was lonely and she wanted my mum to feel the same as she did. My mum said all sorts of awful but nonsensical things to me in this time, such as not needing a family (ie me) because she had her sister.

I'm just mentioning this in case there is a possibility that your mum is being influenced by people who want her to cut her children off.

I'd also be concerned about dementia because that can do very funny things to people.

Hi MoodyMrs!

I'm sorry for all that you have been through and continue to go through!

I can semi relate to what you are going through. I have a rocky relationship with my parents and I have effectively been emotionally abandoned by my mother. While she is still present in our lives, she is never there when she is needed in any practical or emotional way and doesn't really fulfil a mother role. I won't go into all the messy details because this is your thread.

I think the hardest thing is letting go of the fantasy propagated by society of what a mother is. I was very struck by your comment mothers aren't supposed to do this because I remember thinking similar things myself.

Society tells us that mothers are these paragons of virtue with endless supplies of inexhaustible of unconditional love for their children. For a lot of people this is probably true.

So it's really hard for people like us, who have dysfunctional mothers, to realise that this is a myth and that our mothers do not have unconditional love for us and in some cases might not love us at all.

The myth is so strong that you keep tripping yourself up with it. I was blind for years to the abuses I received from my Mother because I kept telling myself 'She's my Mother, Mothers don't put themselves first' or 'she's my Mother, she couldn't really have abandoned me when I was ill and in pain in the hospital'. I completely ignored the evidence of my own eyes because of the Myth, even though other people witnessed these incidents.

The problem with the Myth is that you reflect it back on to yourself. Mothers are supposed to love us unconditionally, so if they don't there must be something wrong with me, we tell ourselves.

That isn't true, there are no unloveable unworthy children, just crap parents!

Why not give the counselling a shot, if you don't find it works for you then you can just give it up. I wish I could do it but I can't afford it!

I do think that there is a degree of wisdom in just getting on with things too. I'm learning to live well and not let me crap relationship with my parents effect me too much. I try to look after myself and my family and push the negative elements aside.

I hope you feel better soon.