What do you think of this, please?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This is inspired by another thread where a poster was processing stuff from her childhood. It got me thinking and reflecting on various things from my own childhood and I'd be interested on other people's views on one thing in particular. I have a really strong memory from when I was about 7 - my DM was doing an evening class and was just on her way out, so my DF was looking after me. As we were saying goodbye to her, my dad started pretending to cry - bottom lip out, sobbing noises, rubbing his eyes and saying things like "let's say goodbye to mummy, we don't know when we'll see her again (sob, sob), bye bye, Mummy." I remember thinking if he was crying, it must be serious and I completely flipped out, which meant my DM didn't go to her class as I was pretty hysterical at the thought of not seeing her again. What I'm trying to unpick is whether this was just a stupid joke that backfired (not that I can imagine DH doing this in a million years), a way of controlling my DM and making sure she didn't do "stuff" on her own, or symptomatic of being a bit fucked up . I don't want to say any more now, just wanting to know what people's initial reactions are. TIA.

Without knowing other history my initial reaction is that it was either a really stupid joke, or more likely he knew how you'd react and that your reaction would keep her at home.

I think it could be any of those, and that more context is needed.

If it was a one off, it would probably be a joke that backfired. I remember my Dad once waking us up on April Fools Day saying 'come quick, the house next door has burned down!' and him not being at all prepared for the hysteria that followed.

If he was in the habit of creating unpleasant scenes that meant your mother had to cancel her plans and stay home then I'd say he was being more deliberately manipulative

I would think he was manipulating her not to go.
And it worked.

OK, other stuff that I don't really like now as I think about it - if my mum was on the phone in the study with the door shut, he'd stand at the door for the entire conversation, with his ear pressed up against the door, really every time she was on the phone. He used to by me a chocolate bar every day when I was about 12 and once I said that perhaps I shouldn't be eating that much chocolate (think I was becomming body conscious) and I remember getting into a lot of trouble, being shouted at for being ungrateful and rude and nasty and being told how upset I'd made him. Getting very angry and shouty if I or my DM ever disagreed with him (could be on any subject from a TV programme to politics.) You could never and can still never agree to disagree - any difference of opinion was indicative of bad behaviour, which made him very angry. Looking back, my DM and I spent a lot of time tip-toeing around him so as not to make him angry, and that made for a calm house. This was never something we agreed to do or spoke about, I just modelled my behaviour on hers IYSWIM. Thanks for the replies.

sorry for typos!!

From what you've said I'd jump on manipulation, but not enough back story to make an informed decision!

Ok, with a bit more back story would say defiantly manipulation! What's the current situation?

Current situation is that they are old and not very well. They live about 1.5 hours away in a house they can no longer manage. We have tried to get them to move nearer to somewhere more manageable, be able to see their DGC more. They don't want to/can't bear the thought of uprooting. My DF no longer goes out really and my DM is reluctant to leave him on his own. I cannot imagine how hard it must be, just the two of them, getting on each other's nerves. Last year, my DM got the house valued and we thought we might be on to something but then they completely changed their minds about moving, and any attempt to find out why is shut down.

I sympathise. My elderly (late seventies) parents are in a similar situation only DM is the angry bully of the pair. She now has a version of dementia that has added a new dimension to the bad behaviour and DF has a neurological condition which is not helped by being yelled at all day. They also refuse offers of domestic help or relocation although they are on the radar of local medical services

How old are your parents?

Cogito, they're in their late 70s, early 80s. DF (and DM) have both been in hospital and, have had some outside help, but are now managing alone. I feel angry with DF because I think he is, and always has been, a manipulative man but I am cross with DM, too, because she's never, to my mind, stood up to him, and I think she taught me from a young age to acquiesce to people who shout and stamp their feet. I'm 40 now, and it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable challenging people without the fear of being "told off"

My passive DF also taught me to acquiesce but my aggressive DM taught me how to manipulate the crap out of a situation. FWIW I've fallen foul of both extremes in the past :)

What I've had to accept is two things. First is that I cannot change either of my parents - it's luck of the draw. Second is that they have the right to make their own choices and their own mistakes... to a point when I will have to intervene whether they like it or not.

True. I am very conscious of being boundaried with them now but every so often I think about little snippets and wonder how they seem to others so thank you for the opinions.

My mum is an abused wife and always has been - there is nothing I can do about that, as much as it rankles unbelievably to see her bowing to her brute of a husband, my dad. And yes, all us siblings went on to copy the model. I'm the only one who got out of my abusive marriage and got into therapy.

Sometimes it's excruciating to witness and I snipe a bit - but she's on me like a tonne of bricks defending him - my goodness, she has to dig deep. If I can't stand it i make my excuses and leave. For her it was a combination of the culture of the time, the lack of knowledge and, very probably, she copied the model.

My parents are in their 80s/90s and they've made their choices. It royally fucked us up - but my parents, esp my mother won't hear of that. Plus my siblings are in blissful, wilful, ignorance and prefer to be the abuser or the abused.It's pitiful.

If you are their only child you have a lot of clout in some ways if you should need to intervene bcs of care issues. I've been meaning to get in touch with Help the Aged as I'm sure they must address elder abuse?

I dream of my mum attending eg the Freedom Programme - perhaps they could write one for women/men of our parents' generation? - but it's a pipe dream

*It's pitiful

Btw the fact that you remember that incident with great clarity suggests it was significant, a snapshot epitomising what was going on. It often takes us well into adulthood to discover why it was significant.

Just coming back to this. I think the fact that I remember it so clearly does imply that it was significant. I have distanced myself emotionally over the years, which has been good for me. I think I feel sad that over the years of reflecting I've come to realise that they weren't that brilliant at their job of parenting. Food for thought.