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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just thrown dh out...

16 replies

brandybat · 15/03/2015 18:03

Namechanger. He's been having an emotional affair for nearly a year. Lots of lies & gaslighting.

OW is absolutely embedded in our social circle Sad. I issued the most recent of many ultimatums last night after an evening of watching them pawing each other.

He disappeared with the dc for several hours today, had a heart-to-heart with his mum, & came back saying he doesn't want to make a go of it (2 weeks ago we had a similar conversation & he absolutely did...), but he has some sort of masterplan which I suspect involves staying cosily in the house until it's sold & then setting up house with OW.

I told him to leave & move in with his mother. He insists he's coming back tomorrow once I've had 'time to calm down'. I don't want him here.

I've got two questions: is there any way that I can stop him living here whilst we disentangle ourselves? & secondly, my parents put up a sizeable deposit for the house. Assuming that's covered by the equity once we sell, can he grab half of it? I'm disinclined to see my mum & dad funding his planned lovenest with OW (she currently rents a bedsit at the other end of the country, so I suspect he'll want to move her up here... Angry.

I'm heartbroken Sad.

OP posts:
Staceymarie1988 · 15/03/2015 18:13

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this it is an awful situation to be in someone on here will hopefully give you some legal advice regarding your property. Some men are just awful i hoe everything works out for you you deserve so much better xxx

lunar1 · 15/03/2015 18:16

So sorry you are going through this. I've no advice on the legal side but I'm sure someone will be along who knows. Is the OW a friend? That must be horrendous, do the rest of your friends know? Have you anyone in real life to talk to?

RandomMess · 15/03/2015 18:19

Well if you have dc there is always the possibility of a mesher order where the house isn't sold until the youngest is 18 unless your circumstances change...

Do you have anything in writing that your parents paid the deposit? If not it comes down to him being reasonable as it was a financial gift and all marital assets and debts are shared Sad

Getting him to sign a legally binding document that your parents funded the deposit by £x and it is ring fenced from a split of assets before you let him move back in could be a wise move??? Legally you don't have the right to stop him living in the house unless he is in someway abusive and you can get an occupation order to keep him out.

That is all my understanding of the position, you clearly need urgent legal advice.

Original poster
brandybat · 15/03/2015 18:34

Yup that's what I thought RandomMess. Good idea re: getting him to waive the deposit as a quid pro quo for letting him move back in, but a) I don't know if I can bear it & b) there's nothing much to stop him laughing in my face & moving straight back in whether I permit it or not, is there?

Except his innate sense of decency, & frankly, I've rather lost confidence in that!

His current line of attack is that I won't be able to cope with the dc so he needs to live here. This is based on the fact that I've complained about being left on my own with them for several days a week whilst he's been working away (& going for lots of nice meals a deux with OW...).

OW was originally a mate - she was someone who was on the fringes of our circle of friends for some time, & gradually became more & more dh's confidante - & positioning herself as a lovely fun 'auntie' figure to dc Angry.

It was her suddenly being weird with me that alerted me, months ago, to the fact that something was definitely 'off'. So I spent months being told by dh that I was imagining it/maybe I'd been rude to her/goodness he had NO idea why I'd think she didn't like me when she was always so sweet, buying the kids stuff & chatting away to them.

Grrrrr. It's crap, it really is.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/03/2015 18:48

If you are the main carer and don't earn as him due to caring for the dc then a 50/50 division of assets would not be seen as the norm. The courts will be wanting to see that the dc are housed appropriately. As there is no equity as such then selling the house may be unlikely - or selling and him getting a share and then you not be able to afford a home again seems unlikely.

How do you think MIL will be feeling about all of this? Is she likely to be sympathetic to you?

Anaffaquine · 15/03/2015 18:53

I haven't any advice but just wanted to say how sorry this has happened to you.
If he doesn't think you will cope with the DCs, what is he expecting will happen when you are divorced and leading separate lives? He is living in cloud cuckoo land. I also think there is something not right with a friend who would do that to a family. I know it is his marriage but she is a total bitch too, IMO.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/03/2015 18:58

Legally, there's not anything you can do to prevent him living in the family home. Practically, you could just go ahead and change the locks and tell him he's not welcome back. Rather a lot depends on how determined he might be to get his arse back in.

Was a a Deed of Trust drawn up when you bought the property to protect the deposit your parents provided? I'm assuming by asking the question in the first place, the answer is "no". This means that whatever equity there is in the property is jointly-owned. A Mesher order is possible but not likely to be the clean break you deserve. A lot depends on what you earn yourself, as during the time you're occupying the property with your children until they become independent you'll be expected to pay the whole of the mortgage or your own. A better solution, if you can't sell would be to buy him out. But that means earning enough to raise a mortgage on your own.

Meanwhile, pack his shit up and send it round to his mother's tomorrow.

Original poster
brandybat · 15/03/2015 19:00

Nope, I'm the main earner - we both work FT. Parents are quite well off, so in theory they could buy his bit of the house & take it out of my eventual inheritance? I'd just like 'his bit' to be half x mortgage payments to date, or half the equity assuming we paid my parents back - so he gets back what he put in. Half of their contribution into the bargain seems a bit thick!

MIL & I get along great normally, but she's been spun a long tale of how I've been 'controlling' him (ie. spoiling his fun by objecting to OW). She's in her late 70s & she's lovely - I don't want to burden her or ask her to split her loyalties. Foisting her idiot 40yo ds on her for the foreseeable is bad enough!

OP posts:
Original poster
brandybat · 15/03/2015 19:05

& yes, OW is a total bitch. Another good friend of mine is terrified of her - she does a good line in bullying women she perceives as a threat to her Queen Bee status.

He can pack his own shit Bitter! There's an awful lot of man toys I don't fancy trawling through. Smile.

Thanks ladies, you are cheering me up immensely. It's almost a relief that it's finally over. I've been doing the 'pick me' dance for months. Blush.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/03/2015 19:11

I was just hoping you could appeal to MIL to have him as you need space as you're so devastated Wink

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/03/2015 19:22

Ask your parents if they could indeed buy his half out, minus half the deposit. Tell him he can have the money now if he does the decent thing and fucks off. He might not be able to resist the cash in hand.

Original poster
brandybat · 15/03/2015 19:36

That's pretty much the current plan, MsAdorabelle.

His basement mancave would make a decent flat to rent out, if I did that. The dc would love to stay in their home. I'm not so keen - this was always going to be our forever house - but it might be a solution for the next few years.

Or at least until I've worked out wtf I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

OP posts:
derxa · 15/03/2015 20:42

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. I have no good advice but the website Chumplady is about people in your situation. (Caution It is American and very hardline on things like 'no reconciliation.' ) You did not deserve this and both husband and OW are absolute feckers
Good Luckx

antimatter · 15/03/2015 20:47

I think the best you can do is to quickly see a family lawyer.
Don't say or promise anything until you discuss your situation with him.

Jackw · 15/03/2015 21:46

Yes, two tasks for tomorrow are to arrange solicitors' appointments ASAP and to work out childcare arrangements which wouldn't need him to be in the house. Then I would tell him in no uncertain terms that it would be unutterably cruel and revolting to expect you to share a house with him and see him all the time when he has chosen to leave you for another woman and you will not be "calming down" any time soon.

Original poster
brandybat · 16/03/2015 14:16

Appointment arranged for 4.30. H is coming over to be with kids, take them to music lessons etc.

Then he'll be working away till Thursday so next row will be when he attempts to march back in here Thursday night, declaring 'but I've arranged a band rehearsal!'

Dickhead.

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