How do you go NC?

[Thclockstrucktwo]

With a toxic mother? And deal with the guilt given she is 80 and is poor health? But I've reached the state after 5 decades of feeling sick even calling her just to listen to how inadequate I am. Things came to a head this week as my brother is visiting from abroad - first visit in 5 years - and the sun shines out of his arse. I've been blamed for everything despite doing my best, arranging social services help (which she then dismissed) and being here while he swans off to live elsewhere.
Argh

For me it was a gradual thing. I went to zero reaction with firm boundaries first. That totally failed. I then went to low contact but only with my siblings or DP in attendance. That was a total failure as well so I went NC.

I have been NC with my dad for 16 years. I just stopped talking to him. I did not make any big announcement or anything about it. I just didn't call him. It took him a couple of years to realize I wasn't talking to him anymore.

Am in a similar situation to you, except it's my father who's ill. Doesn't give them the right to treat you like shit though.

I keep getting guilt trippy emails off my mother saying "You must come and visit, you wouldn't forgive yourself if something happened!"

I stopped visiting because I can't stand the criticism and controlling behaviour from them both.

Just remember, if a friend were treating you in that manner, you wouldn't have it. Just because someone birthed you, doesn't ive them the right either.

Thankyou. She will probably do the silent martyr thing until she dies. I've started reading a book on toxic mothers which should help.

Just stop calling. Just stop answering the phone. Behave like she's dead. In her heart she is, so it's nearly true.

It's hard to deal with the guilt and the nagging thoughts that maybe this is all in my head (that would be 5 decades of her telling me what an awful person I am and how everything is in my head)
When my dad died years ago I felt nothing. Not a whisper. I think I'll feel the same when she goes to be honest. Inside me is a little girl who was never loved

I went NC very suddenly from one of my parents (moved house, blocked their phone number) as this was the only way to get them person out of my life, there was absolutely no way to reason with them and pulling away would have increased their abusive behaviour. I have moments of guilt but generally my life is much better now and I don't regret my decision.

I think it helps to remember that she is an adult and fully responsible for her own choices and behaviour towards you. You equally have an valid choice to not accept that behaviour. And yes, do read the Toxic Parents book.

Should have added, my parent is also very ill, so I understand how conflicting it feels to decide to go NC when the likelihood will be that you will never see them again. It's not an easy decision.