My parents didn't protect me

[cakeandarse]

This is immensely hard for me to post so please bear with me. I will try not to drip-feed and keep to the point.

My DPs are, and have always been, loving, attentive and kind parents. I love them very much, and they love me, and we have always been very close and open. I am now 40 and have 4 DCs...the oldest DD is 14. I think this may be relevant.

The issue is that when I was 5 my DP's became best friends with a couple who had a couple of DCs around the ages of me and my siblings. They were VERY close to them until about 5 years ago when the friendship fizzled. We were forced to spend a lot of time with them, even though my siblings and I didn't like them much and expressed this to my DP's - most weekends, school holidays, holidays abroad, days out, Christmases was spent with them. Up until recently I looked back on the past as an annoying couple I had to spend a lot of time cos my DPs liked them - and also that the man in the couple was a bit 'overly affectionate'. However, I have recently started to have flashbacks and dreams about events and mostly feelings about that time, when I would have been 11-15, and it is scaring the shit out of me.

I have started to remember how he used to look at me and touch me, and how it made me feel. I remember how I used to avoid looking at him, because whenever I did he was always staring at me or a part of my body. He would look at me in such a leering way but i remember being confused about it. He used to insist on kissing me on the mouth - in front of parents - and how much I loathed it. I remember him insisting on rubbing suncream all over me in the summer and when we went on holidays and how the way he did it made me so so uncomfortable. I used to dread being around him. I remember how he used to make comments about my figure or he woudl hug me and pull me right into him. He would barge into my room on holiday or at home even if i was naked, and if i covered up he would just say, 'oh i've seen it all before'. I recall telling my DP's how it made me feel, how I didn't like it, and they just brushed it off as him just being sweet and affectionate. I knew, even then, that there was something very very wrong, but I wasn't sure what and I couldn't articulate it. I look at my DD now at the age I was and couldn't imagine for a minute not noticing or protecting her from something like this.

My head is all over the place and I just keep asking myself why are these memories and feelings suddenly coming up now? Am I imagining things? Did more happen? I have a sick sinking feeling every time I think of him (which I seem to be doing a lot lately) and I don't know why. Why am I feeling so angry at my parents, and for the first time unloved and unprotected by them?

Sorry if that is all jumbled but I am struggling to get my head around all this...feel like I am going a bit mad.

I think that you're brave to write this all out. I think sharing it is an important step.

It's ok to remember your loving parents who protected you so well, but who dropped the ball with this situation. They did the best they were capable of, and with this matter it wasn't good enough.

It will come as no surprise to read that I recommend you seek counselling.

I too think you have been very brave in sharing this - well done.

I also think that you need to keep talking about this, be it to us here, or to a trained counsellor who can help you make some sense of what you may be feeling. I think the most important thing though is that you keep talking.

I'm sorry you feel that your parents didn't protect you from this man. I can only imagine how conflicted this must make you feel about them.

It appears that your parents prioritised this friendship over your emotional and physical well being. I experienced similar but was mostly sucessful in dodging the touchy feely. However, I got off very lightly compared to my siblings and I never forgave my mother for the awfulness my siblings experienced.

I would seriously engage in some therapy, the box that you stuffed all those experiences in is leaking. Given your parents earlier dismissal of your feelings and denial of inappropriate behaviour, I wouldn't confront them without support.

Your confusion and angst are totally understandable.

I had the same experience with my stepfather, as did my sister and my mother brushed it off.

Have you had any therapy? I'm sorry it's all coming back to you, how awful :(

It appears that your parents prioritised this friendship over your emotional and physical well being.

I think that it's helpful to point out that there are other explanations.

I think that it's helpful to point out that there are other explanations.

The OP said she told her parents and they ignored her, they obviously weren't prioritising her feelings in this matter.

Well, I disagree that that's the obvious conclusion. We weren't that well-educated about these matters not so long ago. Perhaps the mum didn't know that this behaviour existed? Perhaps she knew, but believed it was to be expected and tolerated but not really serious? Perhaps she knew but as a survivor of child abuse herself couldn't process it? There are lots of possible explanations other than, "I believe you, I am fully informed about how serious this is but I prioritise their friendship over your safety".

Hi cake

Sorry your suddenly going through all this, one thing that jumps out from your post is the mention of your daughter being a similar age to you when this all happened.

I think this is the trigger for the memories, if your dd is going through puberty and being conscious of her body etc like teens do, it's naturally bringing back memories of how it was for you, and as you say it wasn't a good time.

Your natural feelings of love and protection for your dd are possibly bringing up feelings of ide never let that happen to her, so why did they?

I'm afraid to say back in those days a lot of people got away with a lot of things, because issues such as child abuse were never really in the spotlight or high lighted in the media. Today a lot of us are tuned in to this issue and would spot an abuser or potential one at a 100 paces. Sadly you had to put up with the letchy over attentive uncle, like the one at the vicars and tarts party in Bridget Jones.

I'm sorry your parents didn't take you seriously, I imagine like a lot of folk of their time these things just didn't happen, sadly we know they did though. For you

I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. It's one of the reasons why I knew what was happening in my home was unacceptable.

Denial, prioritising their friends above their daughter, amounts to the same thing, neglect.

Sadly you had to put up with the letchy over attentive uncle

Yes Guilty I was thinking about this earlier and didn't really know how to describe it.

I think you need to see a professional and talk about these thoughts and feelings. Help you understand what they mean and find some truth about what may or may not have happened and why they are being triggered now.

Please come back and update when you can.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I will consider getting some counselling - I agree it sounds like I need it.

I was wondering if anyone thinks that I may have suppressed memories and there may be more to this, or is it simply that I dodged a bullet? I think that is bad enough and I would be horrified if my daughter had to deal with something like that herself.

I am feeling that they prioritised their friendship over me, and also they avoid confrontation like the plague so they wouldn't have wanted to 'make a fuss' about anything.

I remember once my mother asked me if anything had happened with him, and I said no (because my memory is that it hadn't). Of course there wasn't direct 'abuse' (that I remember), but now I would consider what he did abusive. If I was a grown woman in a work place having to deal with that it would be without doubt sexual harrassment.

I have been thinking a lot about how it has affected me as a woman. Always considered myself to be a strong woman. Yet looking back I haven't been great with boundaries regarding my body. I think this is why. What I learnt from the experience was to accept someone touching you or looking at you in a certain way, even if you didn't like it, so you don't hurt their feelings. I remember my mum saying how hurt x would be if he knew how i felt. How he was a sweet man who was just a bit too affectionate. My mum said he was like that with her too - I hated seeing that too. He was always rubbing her legs and stroking her. She said she hated it too but he was so kind she didn't want to hurt him. That is so fucked up isn't it? I have always made a big thing about the importance of bodily autonomy in my own little family.

My DD (14) knows all about this, we have discussed it, and she is horrified that this was allowed to happen. She simply can't imagine how anybody could think that was ok. But maybe I am being too harsh on my DP's - was it common for this kind of thing? Would the 'pervy uncle' just not be seen as a big deal then as there was no actual 'abuse' as they would see it in those days?

Sorry for the ramble - thoughts are all over the place.

And the Bridget Jones thing actually makes me mad. He was just like that with me but from age 11!!! When my body starting developing he would make comments etc. ugh it makes my skin crawl. I still saw him as an adult, and he would be the same. DPs insisted he come to my wedding ffs. I haven't seen him for 10 years and never will again thank goodness.

I also remember that, as his DD was same age as me, we had mutual friends and he would always offer to drive us places and would have those friends over for sleepovers at his house. My other friends always commented about how creepy and pervy he was so they avoided him (cos they could). Why on earth did we all put up with it??????

Counselling costs money where I live, unless you go on a waiting list, which i will now do. I live overseas.

Does anyone think I should talk to my DPs about this? Would it help? What would I even say? I am worried they will be heartbroken about it and I don't want to hurt them or make them feel bad, and i wonder what the purpose will be. Would I even feel any better for telling them my feelings? Would that even be fair?

hi again op

If I was to answer your question of was this the norm, from my own perspective yes, I could say I was groomed by a physics teacher who wanted to take naked pics of me and because he got told to get to fuck, told my English teacher I was having sex outside the school with my then bf.

The thing was the day he reported this to her, was the same day she had seen me and friends leave the school premises and said nothing of the sort had happened. My then head of lower yr told me how well I filled out my boob tube when on my way in to the school disco.

The male PE teachers regularly walked through the girls changing rooms to talk to the female teachers, nobody ever said anything.
I've been groped in nearly every job I was in through my teens and in to my 20's, and I'm no shrinking wall flower, and on one occasion when grabbed from behind winded my manager with an elbow to the solar plexus, and oh how we laughed

I have lost count of the amount of my dads so called friends who have over stepped the mark over the years, my dad would have killed them at The time, but I was so used to it I never said anything.

Now I spend most of my professional life warning against these kind of people, for me and most of my mates all this sort of thing was our normality, today's abusers aren't always so obvious they have just got sneakier.

Op you learned how to cope with it from your mum, not make a fuss keep your head down and carry on so to speak. It maybe that other rumours had come to their attention, maybe that's the reason they went in to it a bit further with you.

guilty that is so sad that we live in a world like that. Maybe I am naive then. I for one will be bringing up my 3DDs and 1DS to know that this kind of thing is NOT acceptable, EVER, and NEVER EVER to put up and shut up.

I feel so sorry for my DM. She was clearly physically abused as a child, and they were alcoholics, but she doesn't see it - just puts it down to a sign of the times and parenting styles then, and won't have a bad word said against her parents. I think her ideas on what constitutes abuse, like many other people of that generation, are totally off.

For me, if all that happened with this guy is what I remember then I consider that I was sexually harrassed during puberty. I feel more comfortable with that term rather than 'abuse' tbh considering what some poor people go through. I do remember spending a lot of time thinking about ways to dodge and weave around this guy. Not something a young kid should even have to consider.

The Briget Jones lecherous uncle used to piss me off too, the unsolicited lecherous actions of an older male is comedy gold apparently.

Unfortunately, the idea that women's bodies exist for the sexual gratification of males still persists. Publicly it may be less acceptable to behave like a dog on heat (the use of MILF makes you wonder though) but privately, it's still OK.

I live in the Netherlands and there was a trailer airing all week for a children's film, where a young boy asked an older man if he was a 'tits or arse man' , the casual sexual objectification of women's bodies obviously needs to be expressed at a early age.

OP you were a victim of a pervy man and poor parental boundaries. I would speak to a councellor before speaking to your mother, from what you've written, your mother could well have her own issues which may have never seen the light of day. When my mother died, I heard a few things about her youth that informed but didn't excuse her behaviour.

Ugh, the dodge and weave and I also remember that the lechery was non stop. The constant vigilance was exhausting.

It's possible your parents were groomed by this couple. Doesn't make it any easier to bear for you. I am so sorry this happened and that you weren't protected when you absolutely should have been.

Please consider contacting the NSPCC. You can talk to someone on the phone for free - they have counsellors on their helpline especially for adults.

It sounds as though Isetan hit the nail on the head earlier, and you feel as though your parents deliberately ignored you because this friendship was more important to them. You ask a lot of questions that I think counselling really could help you with.

I do wish i could access counselling now, but i have to wait.

I have poured my heart out to DH, and he is surprised, but very patient and understanding. He thinks I should leave well alone with my DPs as it was a different time and he thinks I shouldn't judge them on one 'mistake'. I just feel the same way. It was a different time, they didn't know any better, and other than that they have been wonderful DPs.

It's a matter of some controversy among psychologists whether repressed memories of things like childhood abuse actually exist. If they do, they're fairly rare. You probably aren't repressing even worse memories than the ones you have.

What do you hope to accomplish by discussing this with your DPs? If they tend to avoid confrontation, they're going to avoid confrontation over this if they can. They're probably not going to confront this couple now. If they don't like to admit that they were wrong, they're unlikely to admit that they were wrong. You need to have realistic expectations of what is actually likely to happen if you discuss this with your DPs.

Think carefully before raising it with your DPs. If they simply ignore (which is very likely: can't deal with it so pretend it isn't there), that could do a lot more damage to your relationship with them than the feelings you currently have.

I agree it is possible that in a way, the creepy friend had groomed your parents so as to be able to get away with what he did to you and your mother. Your mother's inability to react to protect herself, which is very sad, probably emboldened him to do what he did to you.

I wonder why your father appears to have had no objections to how his friend behaved?

I don't think the situation in the 60s-80s was as simple as these threads often present it. There were different attitudes but there was no blanket acceptance of this kind of behaviour.

But I do think there was a lot of denial going on, just like there was and is with lots of other kinds of problems in families. Denial of child sexual abuse still is a problem, of course.

Did your DPs not have a lot of other friends? How were their relationships with their families? They and you spent a lot of time with these friends, which made me wonder. If your DPs were not close to their families (or had no families), didn't have many other friends, and found it difficult to make friends, it's not that mysterious why they might have wanted to paper over problems with these friends. There are lots of people who don't leave abusive relationships because they're afraid they won't be able to find anyone else, even in cases where the abuse is quite obvious.

Sexual harassment is a new concept. You don't see the term used before the 1970s. It was happening before that, of course, but a lot of people thought it was just something women had to put up with, and it wasn't something that was actually harmful.