Calling nan 'Nan' - who is BU?

[Hobby2014]

Too scared for AIBU though!

FIL fell out with his DM for a few years when DH was a child. Because of this, FIL insisted that DH didn't call her nan, but instead by her name.

So DH called her by her name for a few years. FIL then made amends with his DM and wanted DH to call her nan again. At this point DH wasn't a small child anymore but a teenager and had got used to calling her by her name.

Also she didn't act like a 'nan' in that MILs DM would see him every week, he'd sleep over at weekends, do christmas and birthdays etc whereas DH didn't really spend time with FILs DM.

Anyhoo, as a teenager sometimes DH would call her by her name, other times nan to appease his DF.

Cut to now. DH is now married and has a child. He still doesn't really see FILs DM unless at a family party for example. But MILs DM visits and we visit her.

I've only met FILs DM a handful of times. She visited when DS was born and brought with her a gift for DS. We wrote her a thank you card, to her name not nan. We don't know her address so PIL said they'd drop it off when they visit her next. Envelope says Name. PIL opened opened the thank you card to see what we'd put inside. Seen it says her name not nan inside. Refuse to drop it off til we've written nan in it. We don't have her address to give it to her ourselves.

AIBU to think that PIL should realise that DH is a fully grown adult married with a child and if he doesn't want to call his nan 'nan' then he doesn't have to?
And that FIL started all this by making DH call her 'name' when he fell out with her?

Your PIL are v unreasonable!
Im more shocked about them bloody opening the card!

Anyone else you can get the address of?
Id be avoiding pil's for a while...i also think it was rubbish of you fil to insist your DH changes how he addresses his nan as a child!

He shouldn't have opened the damn card in the first place but if I were you I wouldn't get involved. Let your DH sort it out.

They opened your card to her?? That's outrageous. Plus it seems ludicrous that FIL can't just give you his mother's address.

However I think it's more important to thank the lady for her gift before tackling FIL on the subject of what DH calls her.

Get DH to sort it, hopefully by telling PIL he's happy to write Nan in it, but only if PIL give him her address, so that any future correspondence can be directly between them as he is not having anything more to do with going through them - what an abuse of the situation!

Then start referring to her as Great-Nan, which she now is. New start and all that.

tempted to get him to tell FIL that the way he's going the cycle will be starting again and your DC will end up calling HIM by his first name if he doesn't but the fuck out

Stop with the cards entirely, if they are going to be late because they are vetting them anyway...

I am staying out of it. It's just bloody annoying. She knows to expect a card because PIL have visited and said they have a card at home for her but 'forgot to bring it'. They're waiting for us to change it. We're not.
I wrote it, so they asked me so the handwriting matches. I haven't. It wouldn't surprise me if they forge my writing and then give it to her.

It is entirely up to your DH to call his grandmother what he wants, especially if he has called her the same thing thing for much of his life.

It is entirely unacceptable for your FIL to cross boundaries by opening the card to your DH's grandmother. Even more so to start transferring his issues onto your DH.

Personally I would go all PA and research her home address and send another card directly, thereby cutting out DH's parents.

God, how ridiculous of FIL.

I call my own DDad by his name, mainly because I have step-siblings who call him that, and he has an unusual name which kind of suits him. I rarely call him "Dad". And who the hell cares?

FIL has a chip on his shoulder about this; something is clearly unresolved about his past.

FiL was well out of order opening the card.
Is there not another relative who could give you the address so you can make your own decisions about what the relationship is?

Of course it is up to your dh what he calls her.

Any uncles or aunts you could get GIL's address off? Or do you have her number?

Write Nan, give him the card. It's not really worth it, is it?

How often are you going to be giving her cards, anyway?

Have you tried searching for DH's grandmother via an online telephone directory?

New card - "to great nan, love mini- hobby" ?

Anyway, you wrote it - she isn't your nan! I don't address my
MIL as mum but by her name.

You'll need a new card, surely? Or it'll read "Dear Gertrude Nan"

Look her up in the phone book and phone her, thank her, and ask her what she would like to be called? Though she might think you're nuts and wonder why you are bothering - on the other hand her DS is behavingly oddly and perhaps she knows what he's like.
Oh, you could ask her what her address is too.

There might be other pressies, Xmas etc so best get it sorted now.

Norah good idea.

OP, your FIL sounds very controlling.

God, what a nutjob your FIL is, OP. Outrageous to open the card, particularly as it was done to police the use/not use (delete based on this week's FIL-whim) of the word 'nan'. Surely this is a decision which doesn't involve FIL at all - it's up to your DH and his grandmother to find a name they both think is right for her.

I agree with Norah - look her up on 192.com or similar, it won't be hard to find her address. Then send the card direct and refuse to engage with FIL on the matter again.