Mothers' Day with narc MIL - comebacks needed!

[NancyDroop]

So, in our family Mothers' Day involves paying grovelling homage to the superego that is my MIL....

She is a typical narc who hurts with a thousand cuts. When I first met her I was appalled by her comments and told her so - flaming shouty abuse sessions ensued.

I'm now scared to speak up. I often want to reply in the balanced way that I would for any other interaction in my life, but I find that I can't. The words stick in my throat.

For example the MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude!?" is a phrase I would never be able to utter (and MIL would explode, she is always on the lookout for triggers).

So could anyone please suggest some milder comebacks that I could wield to get me through the day?

For info, my DH is very supportive & proactive in setting boundaries. We're pretty low contact now, thank goodness.

I have to say my current approach is very in line with Meerka's comments, I have a diplomatic personality.

I would like to start calling out more comments though, thus my post. I would like to manage to do it in a non-emotive way, calm toddler boundary setting style...

There has been a fundamental shift in my attitude since becoming a mother though. I used to suck up most comments. Now I remember that I am an adult and am under no obligation to accept being abused.

The clothes issue is an ongoing saga. In response to the 1 yo marrying up comments I said that was a terribly sexist thing to say, I was appalled and did not have any expectations that DD should marry, up or anywhere.

MIL is obviously a massive social climber and I think she honestly believes that if we don't dress DD in a certain way (her way) then this equates to us not loving DD/not wanting the best for her. She has said as much.

I don't know what to do about the clothes / sexism issues. Tbh that might be the clearesr route to NC.

The situation wrt clothes is extreme. We went to a family event when DD was 3 months in a dress not of MILs choising. She spent the entire event apologising to everyone about the dress!

Mild sarcasm with wide, disney eyed innocence. ..

MIL: she'll never marry up
YOU: oh, mil - I forgot to tell you, I had the most vivid dream that dd would marry a farm hand, wouldn't that be wonderful... so enriching.

She spent all day apologising for the dress?

You do know she is only making a tit of herself doing that.

Mayfriday I actually replied: maybe she'll become Mars Base 1 commander, she wont want to marry then at all! Slightly strange reply but I wanted to make the point that I'll support DD to live HER life not ours or MILs.

Any comments about bringing up your DD you could respond with;

"Is that how they did things in your day, thankfully we know better now".

My MIL constantly used to ask me if me DD was "clean" yet, she meant out of nappies, it used to drive me mad. Apparently all hers DCs were "clean" at 9 months old!

Yes she is mainly making a tit of herself, I do see that.

MILs logic is that older people (well up to her exact age, not older...) know best.

We couldn't expect to know how to dress DD well as we're too young to understand fashion. So the "in your day" comments would be seen in that light.

Also the dress apology day was just the start of it. Since then she always brings clothes before family events, demanding we dress DD in them. We've stood up to her on that topic so the last lot of clothes were apparently from my SIL (BILs wife, who lives abroad and is almost NC with MIL). Nice try!

Attila I did have a conversation with DH this morning about going NC. He's not there yet, but I've started the dialogue. I would love it.

You sound v well balanced about it all. Maybe you and DH could make a game of it. Make your first sentence start with P (perhaps) then I (interestingly) then S (sometimes) etc until you've told her to piss off without her knowing??

Yes, if you want the best for your daughter, it's NC. There's no other option.

Narcs are like a forest fire in the damage they can do to a child of the family. Not only will your DD be too young to process or understand any of the dynamic, contact presupposes that DD is to love her. Because she's Granny. Love her, listen to her, let her in.

Shudder. NC, please.

I set the scene with DH this morning: do you want DD to grow up in an environment where she sees her parents (& everyone else) shouted at and abused? Are we to accept that DD's self respect will be tread all over? We can't change MILs behaviour (and she often says How Dare you tell what I can say etc). So I feel, realistically, that NC is the best option.

Yes he is well balanced, my DH. He's also the diplomatic type. It has taken us a long time to get to this place of calm discussion though and he's not ready for NC.

It would be useful if MIL played into my hands today with an illustrative outburst.

"I would like to start calling out more comments though, thus my post. I would like to manage to do it in a non-emotive way, calm toddler boundary setting style..."

That although sound in theory will not work in practice; she will simply rage against and ignore any boundary you care to set her. Its simply not an option for the long term. Also she is not a toddler although her emotional development got stuck at around the age of six.

You are correct though with regards to your most recent post; no contact is indeed the best option for you as a family unit.

You can't ask him to be NC until he is ready, but you can - and should - refuse to fail your child by allowing her to be abused.

I think your first step sounds like NC for you and DD, but that will of course ramp up the pressure and cause WW3 for DH, presumably.

Have you read Toxic parents by susan Forward, nancy? it is a very good book, quite revealing.

Hope today wasn't too bad.

Oh Nancy, I didn't realise things were so bad for you. You have given me such good advice, and I thought that things had improved for you. But clearly not. The story about MIL apologising for your daughter's dress is appalling. It sounds trivial to people who aren't in the situation, but is a big red flag. How dare she apologise to relatives for your choice of dress for your daughter. Your own daughter.....

Back away from her, quickly. And keep watching, so she doesn't stick a knife between your shoulder blades while you are retreating. She sounds like my MIL. Remember my cautionary tale (you know the whole story) and listen to Meerka and Atilla.

Thank you all for your advice - today hasn't been too bad as there are many people here and I'm avoiding avoiding. I can't wait to get back in the car and outta here!

Yes Meerka I have read Toxic Parents and many more besides. That has really helped me not take her behaviour personally (mostly).

Seol, I think I mainly gave you advice on how to try to work with your DH to get to a better place re the situation. That I have many years experience of (and it's worked quite well).

What I have less idea about is how to deal with MIL. Though generally Dropoing the Rope, my main strategy, works a treat.

Yes seol I think our MILs are quite similar.... DH brought her a Mothers Day card today but she had already bought herself one from him, a bigger, better one to show off

she had already bought herself one from him, a bigger, better one to show off

....... okkkkaaaaaaayyyyyy this is where a sense of the ridiculous really helps ... aka oh my god!

Yeh MIL has little sense of the ridiculous and is a proff gaslighter.

I think cards are a big thing for some narcs (seol has talked about that too). It is a very visual representation of people's adoration. My MIL keeps a permanent display out. I guess many from herself!

It would be useful if MIL played into my hands today with an illustrative outburst.
Next time, you could give her the slightest most gentlest prod to one of the hot topics (you know what they are) and she will surely grant you this wish. Aaaah. NC. The peace and quiet is so very lovely.

Aaaaah the peace and quiet of being home, away from MIL and with a sleeping LO. Not quite the bliss of NC but I'll take it for today.

Thank you all for your kind advice and support today. Phew that's Mothers' Day over for another year!