Stopping contact

[PatterofaMinion]

I'm hoping for some reassurance that I have done the right thing. I feel I have but others may think it unacceptable or have an alternative strategy in mind so do say so.

Ds is 11, his father has always been dishonest and PA, but for many years I still loved him. I don't any more - though sometimes we hit it off - the time when I had any need or desire for him in my life is now gone.

He stopped seeing ds when he was about 18 months old, and ignored all attempts at contacting him. Even when I found his house and asked him to see ds, he refused.

Then when ds was 7 I met him and we got talking, and he started coming to see me (weirdly) but still not ds, and it took some time and persuasion for him to see ds.

He only started regular visits, once a month, when ds was 8. They were hit and miss, he would sometimes be a bit drunk or exceedingly drunk on one occasion (ds's birthday) so I sent him home and stopped visits for about 6 months. He promised it would never happen again and so he started again, and to be fair, he was not exceedingly drunk again, but I could tell sometimes he was still drunk from the night before.

Anyway he would turn up or not and sometimes give no notice, mess us about, be late, etc. Some months he wouldn't make it at all. Throughout this nonsense, ds showed little emotion regarding his dad - he liked his being nice to him, when he came over, (ex is always nice on the surface) but didn't ask when he was seeing him again etc. He has little attachment to him.

It's carried on in roughly the same manner for the last couple of years, random excuses or sometimes being very reliable ad taking ds out for a couple of hours. There's often something though. He always promises things and doesn't come good - saying he would paint ds's room, saying they would do up an old car together, saying ds would meet his half sister 'very soon' three years ago - he still has not met her - and then last weekend, he didn't let me know he wasn't coming, I said I was pissed off, he made some crappy excuse then later rang and told me he had simply forgotten. And that he can't see ds till next month as he's too busy.

Enough is enough and I discussed it with ds who just said knock it on the head. He still wants to see his Grandma which I have said is fine, ex can take him to her house twice a year or however often she wants (this is the usual set up) but no more messing us around.

I sent this by text, calmly, a few days ago and have had no response whatsoever.

Ex was always saying he wanted contact to be informal, and arranged by text between him and ds, and I think I have given him what he wants, but he's unlikely to admit it. Seeing a child once a month for 2 hours is 0.03% of the time and he couldn't even manage that.

So was I wrong - or is it about time I told him to go away.

I think if ur son has sed enough is enough then I are doing the right thing it's not fair on him if he being messed around n mayb u shud change the visits to his grans once a month u don't want to push ur child into doing something he doesn't want to do he is old enough to make a decision like this on his own especially since he has seen that his dad isn't making the effort to see him.

U*

it's about what ds wants at this age.

so just leave it though you could pursue contact with granny?

there is no court order so you not breaking any law

Thanks,

I appreciate the reassurance. It kind of washes over ds but I feel awful sitting by and watching someone treat him so badly - he will lie to him about how much he is dying to see him, then not make any effort to. I don't want ds to accept this as it isn't how nice, normal people behave.

So I feel a bit like I'm acting on his behalf still. He would just roll with it but I cannot let ex behave like that.

Stop the contact completely, you can't force him to be reliable and all its doing is teaching your ds he will be let down again and again.

I wouldn't even arrange for ex to take him to his gran, its just another opportunity for him to be let down

Oh I am glad you said that. I thought everyone would say I was being unreasonable.

The thing is he often lets it slide for a few months and then has to make a show of it when his mother asks to see ds. He can't let her think he is being such a prick. So he will get his act together every six months or so and start behaving in a normal way, turning up, etc. because they are going to visit her.

The it falls apart gradually all over again. This latest thing is me stopping contact unless Granny is involved, which takes the pressure off as he isn't going to fight me for access unless she is on his back and he needs to save face/keep up the pretence. Last time I argued about it, I suggested we stop regular contact and he was very anti that, protesting that he loves ds and it's the last thing he wants (words/actions, massive cognitive dissonance) but I think that was because he was afraid Granny would find out

This way he still gets to look good

also he will turn up if it's a Granny day. For the same reasons. So I don't think he will let ds down when they are going there.

Took me ages to figure this all out surprisingly I haven't heard a word of protest since telling him I was stopping visits last week. If he did get in touch it would be to tell me some new awful made up drama in order to eclipse the issue at hand and fend off any criticism I might want to level at him. 'How can you possibly be so horrid, don't you know I have a sprained toe and our roof just fell in?'

Lol that's a good one he always comes out with all the pathetic excuses u shud giv him a taste of what it feels like ( to an extent that is) u don't ur son to think u r the same even tho ur not but he should know what it feels like to now u r being lied too. I think u r making the right decision about ur ds tho.