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Relationships

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Original poster

Can a relationship realistically survive once it has changed course?

10 replies

mentaldental22 · 15/03/2015 07:51

Can a relationship realistically survive once it has changed course?
My boyfriend and I had made plans to move in together and get engaged in the coming months. He's given notice on his flat and he's bought a ring. I have decided to pull up the brakes on the whole thing. I'm simply not ready and I'm frankly unsure if I will ever be. We're not exactly spring chickens, both in our 40s, both have dcs and are divorced.
My question is does anyone have any experience of sustaining a relationship after such a big game change? My boyfriend is keen to continue with our relationship regardless, he just wants us to be together but I'm not so sure that we can continue when I've scuppered our plans.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 07:57

Whether it survives or not will depend on you wanting the same things. You've obviously got doubts. Is it a question of bad timing or are you not all that happy with the relationship more generally?

Original poster

mentaldental22 · 15/03/2015 08:07

Thanks for the reply, Its a bit of both really, I have doubts that I could spend the rest of my life with him. He has lots of amazing qualities and is the nicest man I've ever met but I also find him needy. He's very insecure at the moment because I've put a halt on things which I guess is understandable but it's pushing me further away.

OP posts:

Original poster

mentaldental22 · 15/03/2015 08:23

OP posts:

Catzeyess · 15/03/2015 08:55

Personally I think you should break up atm. If you don't feel you can commit and he really wants commitment it won't end well. He sounds like he feels more strongly for you than you do for him which is not a great dynamic.

something2say · 15/03/2015 10:20

It may be that the idea of committing, having done it before and divorced, made you own up to inner doubts and issues.

Whether this has to spell the end, I don't think so for sure.

Address the issues. Tell him what you perceive them to be, and then stand back nd observe what he does. If he doesn't resolve them, you will see in time and could then leave, glad you didn't marry him or move in.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 11:07

I wonder if by 'insecurity' you mean you find him suffocating or irritating? Over reliant on you perhaps? I also wonder if his current reaction hasn't damaged your respect for him. You've halted the next phase of the relationship. ... he's still willing to give it another shot..... that kind of thing can make someone seem pathetic.

meandjulio · 15/03/2015 11:18

My now dh originally asked me to marry him very early in our relationship. I said yes and we started planning a wedding. However, I was also pregnant, and we were making arrangements for me to move to his house. I then had a miscarriage scare and took a few days off work. It was still him who had to say 'look, shall we slow down?' and I agreed that I wasn't ready to marry him yet. This was definitely influenced by marrying my XH much too early in the relationship.

Now, not the same, because I was still happy to move in with him, although I held out for a while sleeping in a different room because I'd vowed never to share a bed with a man again since leaving my xH. DH was happy to go at my pace and we actually married within a year.

I just don't think there's any absolutes with relationships. Talk to him honestly about what you are feeling and listen to what he is feeling. It may be that this is a sign that you want to break up but there is no actual rush. Allow time for ideas and thoughts to surface and keep talking.

Original poster

mentaldental22 · 15/03/2015 13:57

Thanks everyone, you've raised some really good points. I have lost a little respect for him, he's taken everything lying down and agreed to all the things I've asked with very little resistance. I don't want to throw the whole relationship away because he is so good for me in so many ways. We've both been pretty damaged by our previous partners, I fear commitment again for this reason although I trust implicitly that he would never treat me badly. I genuinely hope that we can still carry on as we are good together.

OP posts:

WyrdByrd · 15/03/2015 22:45

I got engaged to my DH after only a few months when I was in my early twenties.

We eventually got married 7 years later after I'd got cold feet & at first postponed, then cancelled the wedding.

I don't think that in itself has had an impact on or relationship, but if you feel strongly enough to put the brakes on your plans, you really need to question whether you want to be in the relationship long term.

DH & I have had some good times and we have a beautiful child for whom I'd relive the last 18 years in a heartbeat, but we have little else in common, don't communicate well and I am really starting to doubt whether we will grow old together. He's not a bad guy, but we are very, very different and just seem to bring out the worst in each other these days.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/03/2015 23:22

It sounds a bit like you are trying to avoid settling, which is a Good Thing. A clingy whiner of a man who is 'nice' will get suffocating after a while - you probably picked him because he adored you and was not like your XP.
It's fine to be single. You don't have to have A Man In Your Life and you don't have to stay in this relationship if it bores you.

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