Worried about cousin

[Thaigal]

My cousin has learning difficulties, she used to attend a "special" primary school but for some reason, at 11 they all got moved to the local comp secondry school. After that she went to college and did some kind of "access" course where she was bringing up primary school type work.
Anyway after a bit of a struggle she managed to get a full time job, she was earning but still had a very childish mentality (for instance she once spent £300 on CD's when she didnt have a CD player.
She eventually moved out of her parents home and into a flat, her work mates would often take her out drinking with them 'encouraging' her to pay for it all because they knew she would.
In the end her "friends" dropped her and she ended up getting with a loser, scummy boyfriend. They moved in together (into his council house) and as soon as she moved in he quit his job and she had the responsibilty of all the rent, all the bills and all HIS debts to pay. His parents then told him to get her pregnant so they could get more money .

She is now pregnant and due to give birth anytime now however her home-life is absolutely terrible. Her "boyfriend" does absolutely nothing for her, she's cycling to the shops and balancing tons of shopping on her handle bars whilst he sits in the pub, she's no longer working (and has intention of going back to work) yet she is still claiming maternity payments from her old company. He refuses to allow her to get any benefits so they're really in a state finantially, he's working at a garage illegally for £120 a week, he keeps the £100 and gives her £20 towards rent, bills, debt, stuff for the baby etc and she thinks that's kind of him. And now he's just talked her into buying a new dryer for over £1000 whichw ill be soley in HER name as he is blacklisted and will be paid for over 6 YEARS! She can't even afford busfares so how she is going to pay for this dryer is beyond me.

More worryingly she doesnt seem to have a clue where babies are concerned, earlier this week she asked her stepmother what "baby wipes" were for, she also looked on as her sisters baby was having her nappy changed and grunted "hmm! you wont catch me doing any of that!" (and she meant it!) and she also ran into the kitchen when the baby was sick saying it was "disgusting".

The worse thing happened a few days ago, her father asked her if the baby was moving much so she started to punch herself in the stomach and rip her 'bump' from side to side really aggressivly to try and "get it to move". When her stepmum shouted at her to stop she replied "why? we always do this at home..." and it turns out her "Boyfriend" has been hitting her stomach to try and get the baby to move.

When recently asked what she needed for the baby she replied "we need nappys and milk because we can't afford to buy them".

I think this poor baby will be taken away from her as soon as the midwives/health visitors see her in action

i don't know what to say

she is being taken advantage of and used in the worst way.

who does she think will care for the baby? how awful....her boyfriend sounds a piece of work....

do her parents or family have any idea..

..can they help?

no money for nappies because he is in the pub all day..

I could comment all afternoon on the things you've described which are so obviously wrong but the nain thing that jumps out at me here is that your cousin is obviously a very "vulnerable" adult (apologies if that isn't the correct, PC thing to say).

Is she receiving any kind of care at all from any agency ?

In your shoes, not really having a clue who to speak to, I think I would call social services and request an interview regarding a relative who is not only vulnerable herself, but whose child may also be at risk. There must be some sort of support network for people who cannot cope with the reality of looking after themselves (and their children). I would never advocate a baby being taken away because someone appears "simple" (where do you draw the line) but if the baby is in danger then I wouldn't hesitate. Your cousin, and her child need to be properly assessed by a professional.

Currently, it sounds as if she has fallen throught the net. I suspect SS would liase with her doctor and midwife (if she's attended any ante-natal checks).

Also second what lulumama said about your cousin's parents, though I don't feel this situation should be left in their hands. It sounds very likely that your cousin is a victim of domestic violence - hitting her in the stomach FFS. Please alert social services, this sounds horrific.

I'd try to talk to her midwives or GP practice and/or social services? This sounds nightmarish. Don't her parents have an opinion about her current situation?

Poor baby. Poor mum.

I know a woman like this She worked with me, although she was in on a "green card" or something like that, she worked for our company emptying bins, but it was some other agency/group paid my company to employ her. She was, the only way I can describe it is vulnerable too She used to go out at night, and she would get so drunk she would need to be carried home. In the end she was taken advantage of and ended up pregnant, she denied she was pregnant and worked right up to 2 days before the baby was born. SS got involved and as she was under the care of her father, they all talked to her and she had a sterilisation after her c/section. Saying that, she had a lot of help when her ds was a baby, he has SN and is hard work.

I agree with the previous poster who said as a concerned relative you should call ss and ask them to support her, not take her baby away, just to give her support she needs, and maybe if you can give her some support also that would be good Poor girl That guy sounds like a total user and loser But I suppose he gives her affection.

yes..social services...she is a vulnerable adult & an infinitely more vulnerable baby about to enter this relationship......

is she having antenatal care? can someone go with her to see the midwife and have a quiet word....midwife should be able to point her in the right direction

if she is vulnerable , then her wishes not to do or say anything are overrode by the needs of her unborn child......

if midwife / gp not able to help..can you contact sure start ?

go to social services..

I understand why you may be apprehensive about contacting social services so can I suggest calling Mencap - the charity for learning difficulties? Talking through your cousin's situation with them might give you some ideas about how best to help her.

It's terrible that she is being treated this way. Her boyf is clearly an abusive, pathetic excuse for a man. I just hope karma is true and he gets what's coming to him.

Btw, social services are very good at getting rid of the man in this kind of situation - in some areas they have supported accommodation for vulnerable women to go to when they leave hospital.

What an awful situation.

I agree wholeheartedly that you need to contact SS. It may not be a thought that you particularly relish BUT I suspect your cousin stands a much better chance of getting the assistance she needs now, than when she is referred post-birth by her HV/GP/MW.

From my experiences of working for SS in the past I would imagine that her current GP/midwife (who are providing ante-natal care) would already have contacted SS if they have concerns about her ability to care for a newborn baby.

Also, in hospital, when she has the baby the midwives there are will contact SS who will make decisions based on her ability to care for the baby.

If they feel that she may be able to manage they will possibly place her somewhere for assessment (or may even do this in the hospital). If it is evident that she can't cope (and that she is unlikely to even with a lot of input) the baby will most probably be placed with fostercarers but maintain contact with mum until longterm decisions are made.

With regards to the partner's treatment of her and the unborn baby I would be very concerned about this. I would be making sure that SS/midwife/HV were aware and involved now.

Definitely alert SS, as much as I feel desperately sorry for your cousin, the baby must come first. I hope like previous posters, that MW is aware. Maybe with SS support your cousin will be able to get rid of her' boyfriend', it might come to the point where she will have to choose btn him and the baby. Where are her parents in all this, it is so sad and unfortunately for adults with ld not uncommon.