How to help my daughter? (Possibly triggering)

[MrsJen3]

I have no idea which board to put this on so if anyone has a better suggestion please let me know and I'll see if it can be moved.
I have a difficult relationship with my 19yr old daughter who has been on a downward spiral since she was 13/14yrs old when she started truanting/drinking/going missing/suicide attempts and violence towards me and to a lesser extent her dad and her siblings. At 15 she chose to put herself into care and moved from one placement to another until last year when she moved into her own flat. I will admit this was distressing but a relief at the same time as my younger children were witnessing/hearing distressing incidents almost daily.
Two years ago she told me she was forced to have sex with an older boy when she was just 13, that she didn't want to but she was so frightened because he hit her and banged her head on the floor that she let him. I am totally convinced her issues stem mainly from this incident but she thinks not and says she's over what happened.
Is it possible she is traumatised by this incident without even knowing? Further to this she was sleeping at a friends some time ago when four drunken teenage lads kicked the door in and ran riot in the flat and one of them (already a convicted rapist according to the police) tried to rape her.
Currently she is 19 years old and still intent on destroying her life, she is in an abusive relationship with a much older man (she always dates unsuitable older men) who is a drug taking prolific criminal. Her baby has been removed from her care by Social Services (and placed with myself and my husband) because of the relationship she is in and concerns about her alcohol consumption, she has virtually no friends left and her siblings don't want to know her anymore.
She's argumentative, impulsive, is unable to accept responsibility for mistakes, will not co-operate with any professionals - she did when she was pregnant though, seems incapable of retaining important information, has no sense of danger/her own safety and has a love hate relationship with me.
On Friday she had an assessment with a Psychologist booked, as directed by the Family Court, and I was so hoping this would give us some indication of the problem however, she only lasted about 15 minutes before walking out distraught feeling like this was just another person "having a go" at her and telling her what to do.
I'm absolutely heartbroken for her but don't know how to help her. Once, before I knew about the rape, I convinced her to go to the doctors as a nurse she had spoken to felt she had many traits of ADHD. The doctor referred her for a psychiatric assessment but they just told her to stop drinking and any hope she had that she could be helped seemed to be crushed.
How can my daughter get help from someone who will understand the drinking is a symptom of the problem not THE problem, who will talk to her to help her and not to "have a go"?

It's a pretty good bet that the assault is certainly contributing to this. She certainly could have PTSD, and of course Mh professionals should treat her seriously. Unfortunately, for some reason self medicating with alcohol is not recognised as such, and it's the alcohol that's seen as the problem rather that the underlying reason. Would she talk to Rape Crisis?

Their helpline is 0808 802 9999. They would be able to support you too.

she needs professional help definitely. I was abused and raped as a young girl. its difficult. i blamed myself, i thought that it must be my own fault. i couldbt see at that time that i was just a little girl. for years I convinced myself I was over it. but to be honest, it was only having my son that saved me. if it wasnt for him its pretty much guaranteed that I would either be dead or on so many drugs I may as well be. I had him at 17 and grew up pretty damn quickly. I sought help when i was pregnant with him. I went to a mw appointment and just broke down, petrified I would be a shit mother. im now 23, with baby number 3 on the way. I never planned my life to work out this way but it has and I am grateful for every second. I survived, I got through it. and I will make damn sure I do my best by my children. your daughter can do the same but she needs to be ready to accept the help and let go of the blame. could you go with her to the gp? just hold her hand while she makes that step?

just realised she has been to the doctor. would she allow you to help get her away from the alcohol? maybe get her to phone rape crisis as pp suggested? I really dont know what else to suggest as it is really difficult. your daughter needs to be ready to sort her life out. if shes not ready then you cant force her to. even knowing that this is what she needs, you just have to be there, like you have been.

Thank you, I've mentioned Rape Crisis to her before but she doesn't think she was raped because she "gave in" to him! Plus she thinks she's dealt with what happened and moved on. I might phone them myself for some advice though.

She'll need a lot of help to get through this. Acknowledging what happened to her and how it's affected her will be just one step. Good luck, I think they will help you.

That's the problem, I don't think she's ready. I've offered to go to the doctors with her I'm hoping she'll try again.

fingers crossed for both of you. it is going to be a difficult time for all involved but when she accepts the help she will be a much happier person. maybe rape crisis will be able to give you some more ideas on how to get help for her, or if nothing else get her to open up and talk about it (this really helped me, as when I said it out loud I realised that I was not to blame).

The problem is Social Services have told me to try and detach myself emotionally from her because the baby has to be my priority now. I am unable to even meet my daughter as I usually have the baby with me and she is only allowed to see him at supervised contact sessions. I do speak to her daily but have to try and keep the conversation fairly neutral or she will hang up.

My immediate thought on reading your OP was ADHD before I even got to where you mentioned possible traits.

I know an adult with it and he is so very similar. The trouble is once they reach adolescence and then adulthood it's out of your hands and they're on their own . The adult I know has been unable to get a formal diagnosis because of his drinking. The consultant told him he believes he has it and that medication would help but cannot prescribe till he reduces his alcohol intake. To be honest I am not sure he would engage with the medication regime anyway.

I can't offer much advice because I was in the thick of it with this person for a long time and there was never any resolution, sadly. I just wanted you to hear a similar story and know you're not alone.

It sounds like you have tried everything :( she is an adult and if she refuses help, what can you do? she had her child taken away from her yet she is still hell bent on living this life.

I really have no advice to give but If I was you I think detaching would be the best option. You cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves.

If she has ADHD, it would have been present before the age of 12. Trauma can present in a very similar way to ADHD in adults, as can anxiety and personality disorders.

You're right that the rape is probably at the root of all her problems but she can't look at that right now because it's just too painful. She might be ready to in the future at some point. I hope so.

Looking back over her school reports and my memories of her earlier years it is possible she had traits which weren't picked up on. I believe girls.present very differently with ADHD and therefore often go undiagnosed.

Teachers always commented that she was a daydreamer, never seemed to absorb and retain info, struggled to follow instructions, forgetful and she was always, always losing things and still does.
I wish I could give up on her, leave her to sort herself out because she has put our family through hell...it's been painful, shameful and humiliating but I love her. I love her and can see she desperately needs help or the rest of her life is not going to be worth living.

She may have it but with anyone with Adult ADHD; is a constant, it is not a fluctuating or deteriorating disorder and it will always come last in a list of treatment priorities if the person has other MH problems especially if they include substance/alcohol misuse/self harm.

Even if ADHD is present - the treatment for ADHD is stimulant medication and if they're to be used safely, the person needs to be relatively mentally stable and it sounds like she's a long way off.

She may have ADHD but it's not the answer why she's in the state she is - I think she needs some help to address the trauma she's experienced and then ADHD might be worth looking into.

It must be so hard for you. You can only do what you can. Good luck.

I am afraid I disagree that it's not the answer for the state she's in. If she's never been diagnosed or treated then she will never have been able to learn coping strategies as a child that she can carry into adulthood. Many adults with undiagnosed spectrum disorders use alcohol and illegal drugs to self medicate. The person I know simply could not relax and feel normal until he had had a drink, he said it evened things out and made him able to think straight; for the first few at least. Obviously as he continued all the issues associated with excess alcohol consumption would occur.

That is not to say that the sexual assaults don't play a huge part because of course they do. It's possible that she was holding things together up until that happened to her age 13. She was then unable to process what had happened to her and this is the outcome. The person I know functions reasonably well as long as he only has himself to worry about. Add responsibility for someone else e.g his children or wife into the mix and all hell breaks lose. He's no longer married but when it was his wife went through hell with him. His behaviour defied belief.

I actually believe that many cases of repetitive and seemingly hopeless cases of drug and alcohol use are the result of spectrum disorders.

Sorry I have to disagree with you there. If ADHD is present it may be a complicating factor but not the sole cause.

Executive functioning disorders definitely impact, of course they do but what I'm getting at is - even if ADHD is present (and we have no idea it is); that diagnosis would not be the answer to everything.

Rape would have far more of an impact than ADHD ever would. If she has ADHD, it has been there since childhood and would be a constant. It doesn't fluctuate - there is no crisis due to ADHD or good days or bad days - it's always there the same.

When people with ADHD seem to fall apart or get worse, it's not the ADHD because that's unchanging - it's due to other factors in that persons life.

I did not say it was the sole cause. At no point have I said that. In fact I not sure what I have said that's much different to what you have said.

I agree ADHD does not fluctuate, I haven't said otherwise. I do however believe that there are certain factors that can help a person with ADHD manage it better. For example a child hitting teenage years will suddenly have new found freedom where before their environment would have been much more controlled and supervised, without that supervision it's quite likely that there could be a reduction in functioning. I've seen this for myself.

Add into the mix the rape and I am unsurprised that OP's dd is not functioning and not willing to access the support that is available to her. My point is that it is likely that a person without ADHD would probably be more likely to see the benefit and sustain the commitment to the long term input needed from professionals in order to be able to make a "recovery" to the point that she is able to function and manage life to a level that enables her to care for her child and herself.

You say we don't know if she even has ADHD and that is correct but the OP herself told us this was a concern, it certainly sounds like a distinct possibility and worth addressing I think.