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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

being ignored again

28 replies

mattsmith93 · 14/03/2015 18:52

Once again its the weekend and my wife has had a go at me and is ignoring my existence, she does this every weekend and the only way she will begin to acknowledge me is if I go and apologise but I no longer want to keep doing this, I don't understand her anymore, she will sometimes be very affectionate but other times will look away if I go to give her a kiss, she has lost all interest in sex and if I try to I initiate it she will roll over and ignore me and has told me that she doesn't want sex because she feels like its forced, I have never pressured her to have sex, I'm just beginning to wonder if its that she doesn't love me, I have tried to talk to her about any of this but all she will do is make me feel guilty for hurting her by asking, the only thing she is interested in is fb, I just don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:
MedianRange · 14/03/2015 19:12

hi matt, there must be more to the story, how long have you been together? Have you DCs? How long has her behaviour been like this?

Moniker1 · 14/03/2015 19:24

Sounds like there is something or someone online who is much more interesting to her than you..... so you are a nuisance to her, interrupting her other life, hence her unpleasant behavior towards you.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 14/03/2015 19:25

TBH, it sounds exactly like she doesn't love you.

Why are you apologising for things you haven't done?

If she has made it clear that she doesn't want sex then stop trying to initiate it. If she wants it she will initiate. If she never initiates then that tells you a lot.

WildFlowerWoman · 14/03/2015 19:53

Is she going through the menopause? Just a thought.

BifsWif · 14/03/2015 21:28

Hi Matt, is your wife showing any signs of depression? Your story struck a huge cord with me - my husband could have written it years ago before I was diagnosed with depression and treated accordingly.

Viviennemary · 14/03/2015 21:30

I think I would contemplate seeking a divorce. It's hardly a satisfactory marriage. Or you could try counselling. Maybe she is depressed.

Todayistheday15 · 14/03/2015 21:40

Sounds like me when depressed

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 21:52

I could have written this about how my husband is towards me! not nice is it Sad

Original poster
mattsmith93 · 14/03/2015 22:32

I think it maybe depression, we have also had a long talk tonight after much arguing, and she has told me that whenever I start to initiate sex and touch her sometimes she feels as though she is having a panic attack

OP posts:
MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 22:36

I really feel for you both. Did she say why it made her feel panicky?

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 22:37

You said you apologise alot to your wife. If you dont mind me asking, why is that?

Moniker1 · 15/03/2015 10:18

It is possible to be unhappy with your life and to blame others for this rather than accepting that it is you who has to make changes. Could this explain your wife's attitude? She is unhappy and blames you so behaves resentfully?
What did you argue about, is she in denial about her behavior?

MummyBtothree · 15/03/2015 14:30

If you are having to apologise all the time what is it for?

BuzzardBird · 15/03/2015 14:33

There is a lot more to this. You need to have a discussion.

championnibbler · 15/03/2015 18:41

sounds like depression.
saying that, i would have separated from her by now if i were you.

Caoimhe1922 · 15/03/2015 18:49

Oh Matt this sounds awful for you both. I wonder would a trip to the GP initially give her some advice re the panic attacks or do you think she has fobbed you off?
A good long chat is needed. You need to state how her behaviour makes you feel and she needs to do the same. Then discuss what your next steps will be. GP, counselling, relate, separation?
I hope you can sort it out as you sound unhappy.

Drumdrum60 · 16/03/2015 00:09

You say she is sometimes affectionate so she is still seeking to connect with you. Why does she want you to apologise and why won't you? Are you being stubborn maybe. I think you should look at your own behaviour before blaming her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2015 01:18

Why on the weekends? Is during the week different?

Original poster
mattsmith93 · 16/03/2015 07:54

I apologise because its easier to admit to her I'm wrong so then she begins to start to talk again otherwise we sit there in silence and she will get upset as to why we're not talking. It will usually be silly little things she will get upset about, last week she was upset with me because I said we couldn't afford something, so she got upset started shouting at me then went out and bought it anyway, this week she asked me for a bib for our did but before I had a chance to get it she was making diggy comments. I'm not sure why it's only weekend's, I think its because I'm a home as during the week I'm at work, its as though she resents me being home but then come Monday she will be begging me not to go to work.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 08:04

You both sound horribly unhappy. Trapped, in fact. If you can't speak to each other honestly without it descending into an argument, it must be a miserable atmosphere. Weekends are maybe a flash point because you're thrown together more than in the working week.

Sounds like someone needs to have the courage to call time.

MummyBtothree · 16/03/2015 09:06

Sounds like there's definately something underlying with your wife thats causing her to act like this. Avoiding getting it all out in the open and dealing with it is just papering over the cracks. If you know what the problem really is thats a step in the right direction. Think you are going to have to be firm with her and tell her to have it out with you.

PeutEtreHier · 16/03/2015 09:20

I haven't spoken to my husband since Thursday; this is a regular occurrence as we'll argue and he won't give a shit. I've given up trying to make him understand how unhappy his behaviour makes me feel, so I just don't bother talking about it. He'll come home in the evening, and I'll spend the rest of the evening alone in the bedroom without any dinner, water etc just so I don't have to be around him. We're at the point now where I'm making plans to leave.
Maybe she feels this way too, as if there's no point in talking to you after an argument as you obviously don't care?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:32

'you obviously don't care'

I think the OP cares a great deal. He seems to be the one making the peace each time, put it that way. The only concrete problem that's been mentioned is sex. Is the mismatch symptomatic of the grim state of the relationship? Is it the underlying cause? Is it personal insecurity or low sex-drive on the part of the DW?

WildFlowerWoman · 16/03/2015 09:37

It sounds as if you are having financial problems so perhaps this is what's worrying her. If you have young children, don't give up on your marriage until you have tried everything. Spend time alone with your wife and do some talking. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her. Show her you care. All marriages go through bad patches but that doesn't mean we have to give up, especially when we have young children. Stay strong. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:43

I'm not sure saying that something isn't affordable is the same as having financial problems.