Has anyone advice on coping with seeing ex during contact exchange?

[StrongAsAnOx]

It is very early days since we separated and my husband moved in with the new love of his life.

When he comes to collect/drop back the children he comes into the house, goes upstairs, roams around and generally treats the place like his own. I feel very very raw still and struggle to look him in the eye or be in any close proximity to him.

Please would someone give me advice as to how to handle this. I really don't want to antagonise him and have already told him in a text that I am struggling with him being in the house. My eldest child has also said he is very uncomfortable having contact with his father in the house and I have told my husband this in a text.

Advice/tips please!

does he have a key? Can you meet him on the doorstep, outside, with kids bags packed, coats on, ready to go. Same to collect. Keep the door locked behind you until he has gone?
He doesnt seem to care about antagonising you, and it can hardly be called him home any more.
Or arrange handovers in a neutral place, say the home handovers are not working for you.

That is a great idea. It would mean standing outside waiting for him to arrive though

Yes just say you are on your way somewhere if that makes you feel more comfortable? Could you take them/collect to/from his? You could even say you are saving him petrol money :)

No not an option as he is living with new woman who they have not yet met and too early to introduce 3rd party

I would not let him in. He doesn'tice there anymore. He chose to live elsewhere. He's taking the piss roaming around your home.

I wouldn't wait outside. Why should you have to lock yourself outside? I would send him a text/ email to say you no longer want him wandering around your home and that you need notice from now on if he needs to enter (assuming the house is in joint names). Then make sure a friend is with you for the next few handovers. Get your friend to stand behind you. Stay polite but firm.

I think the best option here is to try and agree pick up/handover on neutral ground without making an issue of it e.g. I could say that I'm in town anyway so how about he meets me at x place to do handover. Even though I'm going to have to make a special trip to do that.

Keep the front door locked so he can't get in. He rings the doorbell. You gather the children and usher them out, standing in the doorway. At drop off, same routine, he rings doorbell, you open door, let children in but not him.

Where is contact taking place at the moment, if they are not going to his house?

Why should you have to be put out? He has no right to come in the house. Just lock the front door and when he comes stand in the door with the kids ready and off they go. You need to be strong and tell him he's no longer welcome in to your home. End of.

I agree with Golden Beaches. Are you scared of him? It sounds like it's difficult for you to tell him not to come in. If you can get the courage to say this it will be a big message to him that you are becoming more independent and confident. I still think a friend to back you up with this is your best bet. Meeting in another place doesn't spell out what the problem is and also massively puts you out.

You have my sympathy. I was in a similar boat - when xdp came to my new home for handovers he just wandered in as if he was a welcome guest and I was too pathetic and cowed to make him stand outside. I later discovered (from DD) that if I wasn't in the room he rummaged through my desk, 'accidentally' opened my emails, etc etc.

I hate conflict and knew he'd be arsey and horrid if I didn't let him in, so I just let it happen. I wish I had taken a stand, as he was arsey and horrid anyway so I didn't gain anything by letting him piss on my territory (which is what he was doing).

If you don't want to 'antagonise' him yet he has to come to the house to get the kids you are just going to have to put up with it. Personally I would recommend antagonising him - he is marking your territory, showing you he's still boss. Nasty. Get angry, have the row.

I also wonder where he takes them.

Similar experience many years ago and I followed ex and ds one morning as they forgot ds's coat (on foot, said they were going to the park) they were not there.

Later returned without stating where they had been

I found out some weeks after that he was living with someone else, and have no reason to think he did not take ds there.

Sorry you are in this position, it totally sucks.

Thanks everyone. No, not scared of him at all. But want to keep things civilised for the sake of my children.

I know where he takes them and they would tell me if different.

This is about me feeling uncomfortable around him and him not having any insight at all. I shall be more assertive!

Sorry, I was just rambling there. Missing the point

Yes, it is very hard to be assertive when it appears to risk the fragile state of things - very hard indeed.

I hope that you can find a way to stop this happening without a big row.

You are entitled not to let him into your home ever again, if it is now legally just yours.

Agree with previous posters OP. Keep him on the doorstep/outside...

Yes get kids all ready, bright & breezy, usher them out the door, here's your things have a good time byee!

On their return, in you go kids , bye to ex shut door. Repeat ad nauseam

Don't let him over the doorstep, if he tries to engage just lean on doorpost & keep it to minimum, or ask him to email you , shut door.