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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

did I mis-read this situation?

20 replies

teaismytipple · 14/03/2015 18:36

Regular lurker who is confused here.

I've fancied this man at work for ages. We work in different departments and sometimes work together quite a lot and other times might not see each other for a few weeks.

A few weeks ago, I got the impression that he might feel the same about me too. It started when we had to travel together to a work training and spent several hours talking about our childhoods, likes, dislikes and that kind of thing. Whilst at the training event, several times he stood right up next to me so our arms were touching when we didn't need to be that close. Since then, just small things like he'd touch my arm on our way somewhere, seem very happy to see me, come and stand next to me when he didn't need to, be a bit in the way as we went out of a door together so it seemed like he was trying to get close to me.

At the beginning of last week, we had a meeting which was just the two of us to discuss a project. When I arrived at his office, he'd made me a cup of tea already and sat right next to me in the meeting room with our legs touching and our arms occasionally touching too. We'd exchanged remarks which I thought were slightly flirty, lots of "anything for you", "I always look forward to seeing you", wink faces via email etc. At the end of another meeting last week, he asked if I would like to talk about more personal matters and I chickened out at that point but emailed asking if we could talk after all. We met after work on Friday for "coffee or drinks" (his suggestion), so I went for it and indicated that I thought it was obvious that I was interested in him and was told that it was great that we worked so closely together, but that nothing was going to happen.

Obviously, that's fine but I'm wondering whether I totally mis-read the situation (I've been out of the dating game for over 20 years) or whether he was interested but then maybe had second thoughts. I'd like to know so that I don't make the same mistake again and wondered what others thought.

apologies for the epic post!!! Blush

OP posts:
StarLordess · 14/03/2015 18:39

Is he in a relationship? Sounds like he was flirting but the reality of meeting you outside of work threw cold water on the situation.

OttiliaVonBCup · 14/03/2015 18:42

Well odd.

primarywannabe · 14/03/2015 18:44

Player.

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 18:45

You did not mis-read the situation, he was flirting with you. He has chickened out for some reason. Maybe he is just a compulsive flirt and its never goes any further.

Trust your instincts though because he was flirting with you.

SilverBirch2015 · 14/03/2015 18:45

It does sound like something was developing between you. Not quite sure what it is you want though as you have told him that you did not want anything to happen?

eddielizzard · 14/03/2015 18:46

yeah player. absolutely never go to bed with someone you work with. will make life a misery.

BlackDaisies · 14/03/2015 18:49

Is he single? I would guess he's involved with someone else, but enjoyed the flirting.

WildFlowerWoman · 14/03/2015 18:49

Not sure what his game is but it sounds like he's giving you mixed messages.

Some guys flirt all the time but the fact that he asked you for a drink after work does seem to suggest that he fancies you. It does seem very odd that he said nothing was going to happen. Sounds like he might have had cold feet for some reason. Is he married?

I think i'f I were you I would cool it for a while and wait and see what happens.

alwayslookingforsomething · 14/03/2015 18:50

Sorry he sounds like a player

WildFlowerWoman · 14/03/2015 18:51

I agree with Eddie that you should never go to bed with someone you work with because it almost always ends in disaster.

MadeMan · 14/03/2015 18:58

"...and was told that it was great that we worked so closely together, but that nothing was going to happen."

Pretty much sums up all you need to know.

If you have feelings for him then it might be best to distance yourself from him a bit. Some men (including myself at times) just like to flirt without any agenda/intentions.

supersop60 · 14/03/2015 19:07

Sounds like my exbf - flirted with everybody.
I agree with all the above - don't have a relationship with a colleague - it can turn horrible if it doesn't work out.

BolshierAyraStark · 14/03/2015 19:12

Yep, I'd agree he's a player-I'd distance myself.

teaismytipple · 14/03/2015 20:48

thanks all. I don't know whether he's a player (didn't strike me as the sort) but maybe he was happy with the flirting but didn't want to take it any further with it being a work thing. If he'd said that, that would have been fine, it was more my worry that I'd been totally inappropriate if I'd mis-read everything. So, your responses have put my mind at rest on that front and for any future potential relationships (with other people!!) Whatever reason he has for not going further is fine. As far as I'd gathered he was separated but maybe he's not been totally honest on that front?

Unfortunately, I can't distance myself too much e.g. we have a meeting together first thing Monday morning! But we parted on good terms, so I'm sure it will be OK, if possibly slightly embarassing to begin with and no more drinks after work.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/03/2015 20:56

I think he was playing with you. I think it will continue, and now he always has the "I told you this wasn't going to go anywhere" up his sleeve.

HopSkipCrash · 15/03/2015 00:38

Some men like to play with women to boost low self esteem.

dangerrabbit · 15/03/2015 07:03

I've met loads of players like this. I think he was just seeing how far he could push it for an ego boost. Once you agreed to meet him after work, you had shown him you were genuinely interested so he got bored. He may try to flirt with you again in the future if you give him some distance but it means nothing except having fun. He's already told you it's not going anywhere. I imagine he's probably married.

GoatsDoRoam · 15/03/2015 07:10

You didn't misread it, that was heavy flirting.

Now he has either got cold feet, or wants to put you on the back foot.

Either way, keep away from him as much as professionally possible. And I you DO have to contact him for work stuff, try to do it in writing with someone else cc'd in. That way the work exchanges won't be able to mess with your feelings.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 15/03/2015 07:41

Some blokes are just players and will lead you on, I highly doubt you misread the signals. A couple of years ago, I met a guy and we started exchanging flirty really filthy emails and texts. He lived in my hometown and as I had moved away, it was agreed that I would go down and see him. I was well up for something happening, not just sex you understand. Any how, we met for a meal etc and he made it clear that he just wanted to be friends Shock I just couldn't understand it. I won't repeat some of the texts he sent me but they were't "friend" texts. I left the meal before it started, phoned another friend and have never spoken to him since.

saintlyjimjams · 15/03/2015 07:48

Just be very professional & add some distance now. He might try & strung you along a bit - coming onto
you if you back off -just stay backed off

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