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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sad for my mum

6 replies

targaryen · 14/03/2015 15:59

My mums dad came from a mining community in Scotland and drinking alcohol was a big part of his upbringing and family.
He got out of the mines and went into engineering. Had a good career but alcohol was a big part of his life. Made own brew beer and wine.
Once he retired the alcohol slowly took over and he became more And more dependent.

I'm now watching the same process with my mum but it seems to be effecting her faster.
She is 57 and works 4 days a week in an office job. She drinks every day and binges at the weekend. She also smokes. At every event now she turns up already tipsy and gets drunk very fast. She nearly pulled me down with her at my baby shower when I was 8 months pregnant.
She recently fell on her head at a social event. She has fallen down her stairs and out of every taxi that she now jokes about it.

Quite often when she sees people it will be at a social event so her drinking looks normal.
I try to discuss it with her but she gets very defensive, or looks to me as an ally.
I have noticed the last few times I've seen her that her face shakes slightly and don't know if this is something to do with the alcohol.

She is very manipulative and she picks me up and drops me when suits.

I am so worried for her and can only see this getting worse and worse and not really sure what I can do.

She knows I hate her drinking and smoking so much but I really don't think it'll ever change.

I really worry for the future. I love her and it makes me so sad to see what she is doing to herself.

OP posts:
BifsWif · 14/03/2015 21:32

I'm so sorry, I have no advice to offer but i couldn't not reply. Is there any way you could catch her sober and talk honestly about how you're feeling? Flowers

targaryen · 14/03/2015 21:42

Thanks BifWif. This has been going on for years and I have spoke to her many times. She either gets defensive with me, gets angry and then blanks me for a few days or gets upset and childish but all the time carrying on with her drinking.
I don't think anything will make her see how destructive her drinking is.

OP posts:
BifsWif · 14/03/2015 22:18

The saddest thing of all is that until she realises that she has an alcohol problem, she can't be helped.

Do you have any siblings for support? You don't mention your dad, is he still around? I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, I can't imagine anything worse than watching someone you love self destruct. I hope she realises soon that she is putting herself at risk and seeks help x

TalkingintheDark · 14/03/2015 22:37

How awful for you. I don't have any experience of this but have you thought of going to Al-Anon? It's specifically for family members/partners of alcoholics, and I imagine there would be many people there who are going through/have been through similar. I think there might be an online version as well if you can't get to meetings.
H
Sadly, I think the reality is you can't do anything to help her, she's got to want to get help herself. I've often seen the three c's of addiction quoted on here - you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it, or something like that! The most important thing for you to do is get support for yourself, especially now you're a mother (or about to be a mother?) yourself.

targaryen · 15/03/2015 07:29

Thanks Talkinginthedark I did phone al anon once and have the times of meetings but didn't go along to it. Would be interested in an online support.
BifWif my own dad left my mum when myself and my brother were little and my mum had a breakdown which I think is all tied in with her smoking and drinking used as social crutches. 10 years ago my dad hung himself which I think really effected my mum ??

My mum has been with my step dad for over 30 years but he is also a big smoker and drinker and so they enable and normalise each other's drinking.
My brother is currently living and working in New York and is aware that they drink too much but at social events he has a drink so it all becomes ok.
I've decided to have a life alcohol free and have not had a drink since New Year's Day as hate the effects of it.

OP posts:
BifsWif · 15/03/2015 09:51

I'm very sorry about your dad x
I think a call to AA sounds like a good idea, hopefully they can offer some advice and support.

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