I don't know where to start actually and I'm still reeling from what happened three days later. I will try not to drip feed and this is probably going to be very long.
My mother is a narc, she ticks every box; scapegoat/golden child preferences, HUGE persecution complex, Disney parenting, constant criticisms and put downs, never listens, thinks every differing opinion, nationality or preference is a personal attack on her and she has been treating me like shit my whole life. of course she denies this. It was my fault for being difficult.
Last year after much research and soul searching I decided to start the diagnostic process for ASD and at the time I told the psychologist not to bother contacting my family for information on my childhood as my mother would take over and lie because to her mind, she would be being accused of doing something wrong and also assume I was trying to prove I was better than her.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers last year (with the part about childhood missing from my record.) which was a particularly rocky year for my marriage too, no thanks to my mother's snooping after I stopped sharing anything with her when I came (too too slowly) to the realisation that she offers no help, just gathers gossip which is then maliciously spread even if it has come with the rider of "confidential". She denies it but this is how she destroyed my relationship with my father and sisters, they are all flying monkeys now and on her side for an easy life.
I have no one left, even my husband is pulling away from me again after all the progress we made on being stronger together, after what happened.
The background of this incident started over Christmas. We hate xmas and all the upheaval and wanted to do it our way. On xmas eve I was doing a fairly normal parent/family thing in watching a movie with my DS's and missed a call on my mobile. World war Three ensued. After the missed call I received a message DEMANDING to know what the hell was going on and why I was purposely ignoring them. I missed this too. At six thirty on Christmas day, the phones, all of them, mobiles and land line rang themselves to death until we unplugged and switched off. Everyone demanding to know why I was upsetting mum on purpose. I had replied to the first message with a neutral greeting and we saw them on New Years Day for a cup of tea and mother mentioned nothing of what occurred at Christmas but the conversation, all five minutes of it before she left the room was about what she got from her husband (my dad 
) and how much better it was than mine. Thus taking a shit on my lovely gifts she swanned off to prepare a meal for the golden child and her son and partner whom she conversely trash talks behind their backs to anyone who will listen.
I decided to minimise contact and they did not try to maintain it from their end either. I have seen them three times since January, the last time exactly a month ago last weekend and received one phone call which my husband took as I was already in bed.
Sorry, this is epic.
Wednesday she turned up on my doorstep unannounced. Barged into my house and demanded to know what the fucking hell I was playing at. Citing she had in fact been trying for MONTHS to reach me, calling ALL the time, texting me everyday. None of this is true. I asked her to leave and showed her the door. I was very firm and polite, I raised my voice but I did not shout or become irrational. She went berserk. Kept asking me things, then refusing to listen to the answer, counter denying what I was saying but then and this is the confusing part, contradicting herself in the same sentence and then denying she had done it thirty seconds later.
My hands are shaking just recalling it and at the time I tried to call DH to come home and help but I could not get my phone to call out as my fingers were too sweaty to work the touch screen. Then the subject turned to "what's this crap you keep saying about aspergers?" When I tried again, firmly but rationally to explain what it is, true to my prediction she literally, and this is a grown woman, starting jumping up and down in my kitchen, flapping her arms and screaming in my face "Look at me I'm Cthlulha, I've got aspergers and I think I'm better than everyone else!"
She was asked to leave several more times but continued her tirade and still kept asking questions about "my disgusting behaviour" and yet refusing to listen to the answer.
The only way I could get her out was to pretend I had capitulated at which point she sat on my sofa and IMMEDIATELY dropped into her set routine of criticisms and put downs disguised as encouragement, her favourite being the fact that I am a non-driving SAHM with school aged kids. She has even got the rest of my family needling me on that subject every. fucking. time I see them and if I tell them to mind their business I'm "kicking off".
She also told me my DH was going to die soon, because he's old. He is 42 for the record.
And referred to my best friend as "your little fwend" as if he is some sort of tiny remedial that has latched on to me out of pity. He is also a fully grown male adult and possessing of full faculties for the record.
I am devastated that I did not challenge her but I was so confused, I just wanted her to leave my house and leave me alone.
I know that she has just proved everything I worried I had misinterpreted true but I feel like no one in the whole world believes me. My sisters are both smart women but they are under her spell and I am too afraid even to talk to my aunties about what happened as I am worried they will tell me off for lying too. I don't want to see her and I cut contact because I knew I was not strong enough to deal with her anymore.
Now I know I'm not and I am stuck. I can't refuse contact or she will have all and sundry trying to break into my house every other week when they want a fight and if I continue minimal contact I have to endure this shit every time I go there and it is eating away at me already.
I have just finished a course of therapy and I was feeling so much better in myself. Now its all ruined and I don't even feel like I deserve to be near my DH or my kids or best friend anymore because I didn't stand up to her like I should have and I feel like a piece of shit all over again. Well and truly put in my place.
I feel no obligation to her, nor love but I don't know what to do. It was so surreal the way she violently stamped up and down for five minutes and then accused me of being mad and paranoid. I haven't slept properly since it happened either and as yet there has been no further contact but she did put in her pitch for mothers day (I don't expect much, just a card and flowers) which I had planned to ignore. It is her birthday next week too.
If you have read this far thank you so so much. I don't expect an answer, I just needed to get it out and organise it in my head as it has been going around and around for days, I have even starting self harming and smoking again which I was making good strides towards quitting.
Her parting shot was to hug me even though I had repeatedly asked her not to touch me, and tell me to "Stop dwelling on the past" as its not good for me.