Extreme EA and need to talk

[Sevendayitch]

I am in a marriage where (I now know) I've been subjected to some pretty insidious emotional and psychological abuse. For years he would build me up only to tear me down and walk away. Always coming back weeks later with another approach and reason why he left. He always managed to convince me to accept the blame. What I would do then was adapt myself even more to his idea of how things should be. His method of communication is email and text. I've years of them. I recently had a professional read them and say that she felt chills reading them, as from the earliest emails she was able to see how manipulative he is and how he played on my fears and insecurities. And despite the fact that he had insulted me, it was cleverly done and would result in me apologising or agreeing with him or pleading with him to see my point of view.

He is wealthy. We live abroad. We have a baby. I have a ten year old from a previous relationship. Last year we had a lavish wedding. Prior to the wedding he was pretty nasty to me. I was planning our wedding, EBF our baby and searching for a new home. I wanted to call off the wedding and he told me not to be stupid and secure my rights. Looking back I know I should have walked but I was so far along and I kept thinking that it would get better, he would calm down, his job was very stressful etc. always excusing him. Always believing him when he told me I caused his outbursts and that I need to be more supportive and a better partner and be more appropriate and a better hostess and manage my home better etc etc.

8 days after the wedding ( where he spent whole weekend stoned) he sent me a two page divorce email. Same day we moved house. He then proceeded to live in a separate part of the house and left us alone every weekend for the following 2 months.

I tried to get things back on track and took the blame. Believing him when he told me I need to be more appreciative for the lifestyle he provides me and the children and that I need to be a better wife. Meanwhile we go to couples therapy and he confessed to a fling before the wedding. I've since found a tinder account. He is 46 and still parties and has taken to smoking marijuanna every night - despite having a very serious and fast paced job. So before Christmas I find an invoice for sleazy lingerie that I never received. I confronted him and he reacted with such vitriol that I had no voice, I literally went mute at how he verbally attacked me, even my body parts. It was then I saw a man unhinged and he scared me.

He claims to be a man of fairness and constantly talks about respect, but he has attacked and debased everything and anything that is dear to me. Even starting to involve my ten year old - with whom he always had a great relationship. He has a few days where he is civil and then he blows up and says the worst things. Not swearing but constantly putting me down and saying things designed to hit my heart. He told my ten year old I was like a beautiful villa. On paper great, from the outside beautiful but once you step inside the see the villa is worthless because it's full of sewerage and rot, nothing works.... He said it while we were at dinner and with laughter... I could not move myself or the children due to situation so had to take it.

I have agreed to the divorce and even a consensual divorce. But he still aims fire at me. Blaming me for everything, being very spiteful yet claiming he is happy to have his freedom back. We never had a marriage. I haven't even opened the wedding photographs.

I will type more. Not to drip feed but because my baby is crying now.

I suppose the reason I've posted is because I have seen such great support on here, insight, great advice and kindness. I guess I need some of all of it. I have friends where I am but it's not always wise to burden them.

Can anyone tell me how to protect myself from such hurtful words. Words that have broken me to some degree.

OK, you say you live abroad. Did you move out there / there already when you met?

Do you have family / friends you could go to?

The only way to protect yourself from his words is to leave. If you're getting divorced then what is keeping you there?

Yes. Take your kids and get far, far away. Don't tell him what you are planning. You might live abroad but you can still look at the Women's Aid website for advice.

He's emotionally abusing your child, as well as you.

He is moving out in ten days.

But my fear is he will always say things to me... Whisper 'everyone knows you are crazy and nobody likes you' kind of things.... It used to affect me more than now. But we have a baby that will keep us in contact. So I can't go NC

I have friends and have been here (still in EU) for years. I'm neither destitute. I gave the background to give a better picture. I've spent years trying to analyse why he is the way he is and I don't think I will ever get an answer. He fails to see that there is any abuse. Actually he says I abuse him, abuse his 'love and kindness'. He is always telling me I don't know how to love and love for me is based on need and not choice... Forever philosophising with the punch line being my failings.

I know that others will have been through similar and I'm wondering how they ring fenced the abuse? Kept sane through it all?

If he's asked for a divorce, and you've agreed, and there's no money problems - why hasn't he already moved out? Could it be that the divorce talk is just another piece of emotional fuckwittery - designed to scare, control and confuse you - (he perhaps didn't expect you to agree to divorce?)

Have you read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? Please, please read it. Don't let your H know you're reading it. It will help your sanity when he's abusing you because you'll see it as part of an abuser's script. His words will slowly lose their power to hurt you - as you slowly understand what's truly happening.

You'll see the classic manipulation in the way they all turn everything around to make it their victim's fault. You'll learn to recognise the abuse in every criticism that's thinly disguised as a joke, every suggestion that you're crazy.

From what you've said already, you're already on the right track...well done.

And yes, you need to protect your son (not to mention your baby). See a lawyer, find out what your legal position is. Get prepared, you'll feel stronger. But don't let him know until you've got your ducks in a row.

Mrspavarotti I have wondered how much the divorce has been just a threat. He did the same when I was pg. epic emails detailing the split and why, with bullet points assassinating my character and anyone connected to me. But he has behaved so badly and said things that I will never forget. No filter, no subject is taboo. Whatever he thinks he says. And then almost denies having said anything or tells me I provoked him or will brazenly repeat the awful words he had said.

It devastated me? I thought I wouldn't survive. On the back of a wedding - that I now think was just for show. But I am stronger and no longer love him. That may sound strange but I always saw the good in him and allowed it to diminish the bad. I now wonder if the good was just an act. In fact I feel deep loathing now. I could never have imagined feeling like this towards him. How blinded I was.

It's easier in that respect. Love can keep you beating something that died long ago. My pain is born from his words. His taunting, goading me and then claiming I made him. The fact that as the mother of his longed for baby (that he barely sees yet claims such great love) he shows me no respect. Has taken to calling me a whore when I am anything but. Telling me to get a lover if I'm lonely, whilst cruelly withdrawing sex pretty much since I became pg.

I'm rambling as I've been through so much and it's still fresh. There is some light for me and the children soon. But I do fear him and every time my phones beeps.

I just bought the book on my kindle. Thanks. Have read many but not that one.

Have you been handling this alone or do your friends and family know what is happening? Have you been trying to pretend everything is OK?

From experience, the only thing that helps is time. And surprisingly, not a lot of time. EA ex H always used to say (actually scrap that, fuck what he said, was bollocks anyway )

Ahem. He has been gone for almost 4 months and every so often I get flashbacks of how controlled and threatened and just a shell of a person I was. I think WTF was I thinking listening to him, he's a lunatic. I feel so alive now, every single day and in tiny wee moments. Life is not easy but it is 100000 times easier than when I was with him. Being able to relax is amazing. I really cherish the feeling of peace I have now.

I hope that gives you some hope OP.

Actually nearly 5 months. I can't count, clearly. And shows how much I am missing him (approx 1/10000000 of an iota).

I have agreed to the divorce and even a consensual divorce.
Are you sure he has actually filed for divorce?

wow he sounds horrific.

you know what to do, you're already detaching. He can't hurt you in the same way any more. But you need to get some RL support.

Get practical, see a lawyer to find out what your rights are in your country. Most countries in the EU have an equivalent of WomensAid and Emotional Abuse is widely accepted as DV. Do you still have his vicious emails? Print them and hide them. Keep copies of any more. Find all your paperwork, bank statements, marriage certs, birth certs, your children's passports.

Are you from the UK? would you want to move back?

Mscolouring I've now let people know. My close friends are fully aware and supportive. I've kept my family in the dark as upsetting them whilst being far away was something I didn't want to do. However, they are aware of the situation partly because of some rambling emails he sent my mother, and the fact that I've been quiet and out of contact. I did recently tell them that he is moving out. My family don't pry and keep a respectful distance.

Woo that is very encouraging and I'm so happy to read how well you feel. He is currently out of the country and our home is so happy. I feel free to let the children make their chaos and we eat fun food and make a mess! It's wonderful.

Melon he says he has but I'm not so sure and I'm still in a frozen state. I've made certain steps but we are sharing the same lawyer, his lawyer who is also a mutual friend. But I'm not naive enough to know that the lawyer knows who pays the bills. It's been hard processing it all. I have been compliant as he has the financial leverage but he doesn't make it easy. He taunts me by staying out and telling me his girlfriend is worth ten of me yet gets very angry when I try to move on.

I do know how it sounds. Prior to this i was a strong, feisty woman. Travelled, university educated. Now I just feel like my days pass well if he allows it, or has a good day himself. I have noted that if he is bored and has nowhere to go he is worse and I take the brunt of his frustration. I am hoping once he moves out I will regain some strength and better clarity ( even though I know I have some now, as I have realised I am not to blame) I just struggle with the ongoing abuse, it's like an onslaught some days. Even flowers from friends on my birthday recently provoked a nasty attack.

I can assure that I am not pathetic or weak. This relationship has made me tread carefully and not allow myself to express too much. I've become conditioned to his way and as such I have lost my fighting spirit.

Right now the hardest part is dealing with the things he says, even throw away comments about what I feed the children. I want to shrug it all off but some days I feel worthless even though I spend all my time with the children and do very little outside the home anymore.

Mrspavarotti I am from the UK.

I have kept all his emails. All sent from a very conservative company. Can't say much more than that at this point.

The heartache has gone, the pain and deep deep disappointment has left me. I no longer check to see if he has returned home etc. I no longer care about what he is doing or who he is with.

I love where I live, have a life here. I met him here.

I just want to reach a mental stage where what he says no longer affects me and that I can be in a position to react calmly and without emotion.

I wanted to add that as I'm only just coming to terms with the fact that I've been abused, and that it's been long and gradual. How does one get to grips with it? No longer allow crazy claims to affect you, make you question yourself.... Sometimes believe what you are hearing?

seven you're doing great - you'll get there.

can you imagine a judge reading his bullet-point email of your failings? she'd laugh out loud.

get advice from a lawyer - your own lawyer. Your H doesn't need to know (yet).

Of course he wants you to "share" a lawyer - just allows him to keep control.

Yes, control is mainly what it's all about.

Keep strong, be brave. Come on here, rant, cry. You sound so tense, so sad. But the old you is still there - like woowoo says you'll feel a million times better when you've got rid of him.

BUMP

How are you seven?

Keep a note of everything, start moving money, get a different lawyer

And please keep posting here, lots of women on here have been in your position

When you get away from him, your brain will start to rewire and become "you" again. Sure that's technically not what happens at all, but it is what it feels like.

You will find you can make decisions no problem, have fun with your kids, enjoy your home - all without the drama and moods and uncertainty.

Your brain will eventually get to the point where you feel empowered to live AS YOU, not as someone he makes you be.

'How does one get to grips with it?'

Slowly and steadily. You may need outside help or you may find, with the support of friends and family and with the passage of time, that your normal feisty self is still there after all.

I liken the effect of emotional abuse to hypnotism. All the time you are 'looking into the eyes' listening to their words and so on you're in a kind of trance. Dragging yourself away is exceptionally tough. A partner knows you inside out and an abusive partner exploits that knowledge. But once outside their influence, and especially if you reduce the points of contact to the bare minimum, the recovery can be rapid

I saw at the start that you mentioned having to stay in contact because of a child. This is true but there is contact and contact. Where possible go with the more impersonal 'formal' forms like e-mail rather than the more conversational text or phone. Definitely avoid personal contact at all costs.

If you set things out now, allowing for a few set-backs, one day in the future you'll be able to think about him and not feel anything but indifference.

and seven, remember you can come on here and talk whenever. We will support you. You don't have to have left him, you don't have to report any progress or lack of.

Obviously we want to know you're alright. But it's OK for you just to need support while you get your head in the right place. Some people on here take years, start thread after thread, leave and go back, don't leave....it's ok.

We're here to hold your hand.

Darling you are not broken, you are still a well educated, strong, feisty lady.

He was and is jealous of you. He is insecure (yes really) and he has tried to convince you that all of you good traits were somehow bad ones.

No they were not. He just felt threatened by you. By tearing you down, it helps him to feel good about himself.

He is not right in his criticisms of you, how could he be? He is deranged and a danger to all women. Any woman he is with will suffer at his hands.

He criticises what you feed the children? Really if it wS that bad he would get off his own backside to buy and prepare food himself wouldn't he?

He is not great, he is awful, you are great, and he is jealous because he knows he will never be as good as you.

You need to take a long hard look at him and understand that his judgements about you are incorrect, the only bad judgement you made was sticking with him!

I have to go.

Don't give up. I suspect you will need counselling after the divorce.

Post here for support.

7DI you sound like a lovely strong mother to your DC and thinking clearly.
My experience of ending an EA marriage was greatly helped by the EA Support Thread on here and the fab Vixens who dwell there.

The usual advice is to detach detach detach and to observe all the conversations you have with him as if you were a fly on the wall/ CCTV camera. Learning to nod and agree with him helps too. "Yes dear" "Yes dear" " Yes dear" can be very soothing! You will find you stop getting drawn into arguments and can see how he is trying to get a reaction from you.

As a PP has said once you are out of his orbit you will start to recover your sense of self immediately. Good luck and enjoy the journey back!

Thank you so much for your replies. He is out of the country until tomorrow. 3am this morning he got an email through - I've blocked most other avenues. Basically he has rewritten our agreement and has undermined every point and gone back on most terms. It's threatening and unpleasant towards my eldest child also and he says that he will come and go as he pleases as the house is in his name. It's very unhinged actually

I have forwarded it to our lawyer and has sought new independant advice today. I am in the EU and laws are similar apparently. The fact that I have most of the threats, abuse and harassment in writing and texts works in my favour. Of course he trotted out the usual ' I'll have a psychiatric evaluation done and take full custody. It still manages to make me shake with fear but the rational part of my brain knows how laughable it is. He has never changed a dirty nappy or bathed her in 16 months and barely spends time with her. One week I counted 16 minutes in total. But when he says he will throw his wealth at accumulating witnesses to testify against me it has the desired affect.

I thank you again and take great comfort in the support here. This kind of abuse is so isolating. I'm scared all the time. I just don't know what he will say next.

My advice is that you engage your own independent lawyer and petition him for divorce yourself.

Make it a non collaborative one and don't go for whatever version of "mediation" is available where you live.

You say "he is wealthy"

No, you are both wealthy. When you married all assets became joint assets.

Well done on taking steps to protect your daughter OP.

His intimidation is all huff and puff and words. 16 minutes... what a twat.