Apologies?

[CherryCoker]

A friend of mine (person with a narcissistic streak) treated me very badly. Stood me up for a dinner a deux that I had gone to a lot of trouble to prepare at home basically - all cooked and done, expensive ingredients bought, wine opened etc. Cancelled by email and gave some crap excuse that was blatant lies.

I was very upset and angry as you would imagine. I made it very clear that I expected a proper apology - I meant an apology in person that was sincere and some genuine attempt to make it up to me. This never happened - just a couple of crappy emails with shitty little excuses.

We haven't really spoken since then.

I am going to a work event that I can't get out of and will see this person. It's a small event and I won't be able to avoid them.

1. Am I wrong to adopt a position of "I have nothing to say to you until you apologise to me"? Or is that pointless - given that any apology now will plainly be insincere?

1. How should I react if I see this person? It is likely that I would come across them in a group of colleagues. I don't want to be all "hi how are you" air-kissing smiley as to me that would be the height of hypocrisy. Bear in mind it is a professional setting, would it be acceptable to say something like "I'm still waiting for an apology from you" and just leave the group.

Is it wrong to still really want an apology? Or some real recognition that this upset me enormously and it was bad behaviour?

What was her reason for cancelling with such late notice?

Is this something she has a form for?

What do you think the real reason for cancelling was?

I ask, because if this was out of character, there may have been a legitimate reason that she backed out - a reason she doesn't feel comfortable talking about.

I'd cut a good friend some slack and get over myself. I'd start phasing out a poor form with a history of treating me badly.

Either way, I certainly wouldn't be demanding an apology. Apologies are only sincere if they come from the sorry person - demanding one is not the way to go about getting.

As for the event, just go along, enjoy yourself as you normally would, make small talk with her if necessary. Don't be petty.

This is a friend with a history of unreliability in one form or another - but nothing on this scale. The reason was firstly a mistake as to the date and then being busy at work. But it was all aggravated by the fact that I didn't get any communication at all about it until about 4 days later - after I'd emailed/called/texted with where are you/is everything ok messages.

I think the real reason was "found something better to do".

I don't want to speak to this person at all and am not going to be able to make small talk. I don't regard it as petty because I am still very pissed off. That is my second question - how do I avoid having to make small talk and be pleasant.

Sorry, but I do think it is petty.

A work function is not the place to be passive aggressive in your ignoring of her, or going on about an apology she obviously doesn't want to give.

Let this go, and let any hope of rekindling a friendship go, it is over.

On the night, let her ask you questions, and give the minimum answer. Excuse yourself and go to the loo or the bar, should you have had enough. Find someone else to talk to.

Yes, you're essentially no longer friends with this person. So whilst you won't seek her out for a chat you can at least be civil at a work function. If you don't think you can manage that, I think you need to cancel.

You aren't wrong to be extremely pissed off, but you can't expect to make a comment like "I have nothing to say to you until you apologise" in front of colleagues without there being consequences. You just nod and keep all dialogue to a minimum.

All sounds rather over dramatic to me. Demanding that she grovel is not going to get you anywhere and so it is better to out the friendship behind you.

At the party I would be civil, as you would be to a mere acquaintance, and then end the conversation quickly. I can't imagine anything less professional than demanding she apologise in front of others although they may find it highly entertaining.

Be civil and distant. If you get the chance to talk in private tell her how you are still hurt about how ske let you down. I wouldn't though.

I would not tell her that you are still waiting for an apology.

I guess I still can't quite believe that I was left sitting there with all this food cooked and having no response. And actually seriously wondering if there had been an accident or something.

I still can't get my head round the fact someone would behave like that and then not apologise. or even care.

I don't think in my whole life I've ever known anyone behave so rudely to me. And then only bother to respond a few days later.

I still can't get my head round the fact someone would behave like that and then not apologise. or even care.

People are dicks more often that we would like, sadly.

Your anger isn't helpful. Just be cold and cut her out. You'll feel better after letting go of the anger.

When she did eventually contact you after not turning up, what exactly did she say?

If I was going to flake out on someone, they'd get my excuse before I was supposed to turn up, not several days later.

That they thought it was the following week - made a mistake as to the date. But this was obvious crap because I'd called and left several messages/texted/emails etc - and didn't get this "excuse" until as I said 4 days later.

Let this go, and let any hope of rekindling a friendship go, it is over.
Yes, you're essentially no longer friends with this person

Tribpot and Maude - I think this is also part of what is bugging me about this. In a way, it's like being dumped by a friend. I'd hoped that I'd been of more value and that they would make an effort to rekindle/apologise.

The fact there has been none of this has upset me more. The "I don't even care if I upset you" attitude has been as upsetting as the original not turning up.

I suppose I was mentally hanging on to as a friendship and expecting some reconciliation attempt.

I guess you are both right and it's over.

Yes, you have been dumped essentially. And without any kind of explanation - very hurtful.

She sounds like an awful person. You're better off out of it, despite how cruelly it was done.

Hmm. So the best thing may be to act as if you were bumping into an ex-bf in a work situation. And try to avoid them.

Exactly. An unpleasant prospect but complete indifference should cover it up.

Perhaps I could put a different spin on this - just for you to consider. I once had a friend who would make plans and whatever you said to her would just ignore everything you said.

If she decided that she wanted you to go for the weekend, night out or whatever and I would say, not sure I am going to make it, other things to do or whatever she would just completely ignore me and carry on regardless expecting me to be there as dictated.

My fault for not being strong enough to stand up and say No. And when i did that is when we had the big fall out. And no, I have never apologised for standing up for myself finally

I assume this 'friend' didn't acknowledge any of your texts / emails about the evening in question.

Personally I'd have not gone 'all out' for a meal if the person I was cooking for hadn't confirmed especially if they have form for being flaky

I'm not blaming you OP but I always make sure I get confirmation on the day if I'm meeting someone - and I have mainly reliable friends (barring one who is always late but she does turn up eventually!)

Is this 'friend' male? Were you expecting more from the relationship than they were? It sounds like you are very much over reacting if it was a platonic friendship.

If you can't be civil to this person then you shouldn't attend the event.

I wouldn't mention an apology and I get the impression you're thinking/hoping this person will be friendly toward you to give you the opportunity to blank them - you should probably prepare yourself for this person to be the exact opposite - completely cold and distant toward you.

I agree with those saying you're no longer friends, so the work do simply means you'll be bumping into someone you know. Detached civility is the appropriate response.

Internally - yes, it's exactly like being dumped. It always strikes me as odd that we down-value close friendships, which are often more emotionally intimate than sexual relationships. You share a huge amount of yourself, and your time, with good friends. Of course it's very painful when they turn out to be tossers, or even not that into you, and you're left dealing with the loss.

On that basis, self-kindness is very important as it is when starting to heal from any emotional injury. In the same way, too, it's not a thing you can "win". Only sociopaths think they have the right to a relationship with whomever they choose; the rest of us accept that it's a two-way thing. So any apology you were able to extract, Cherry, would be unsatisfying. You didn't get the one you deserved in the moment, and that tells you the unwelcome truth about who this person is and how much they (don't) value you.

Same story as with any break-up: the best revenge is happiness, and the best snub is a dignified one!

Don't let her bad behaviour reflect badly on you in a work setting. If you meet her and need to say hello then do it quickly or nod then start a conversation with your neighbour or say you're going to get a drink. Don't confront her on this setting. If you must find her and do it another time.