Seem to have lost my zest for life any advice for me?

[MedianRange]

I am early 40’s have dd aged 5. I haven’t had the easiest of lives, I had an abusive dysfunctional family which have never been any positive support, we are basically nc now. I have recently recognised that all my life I have developed relationships with people who are not much good for me. Some have been emotionally abusive (all romantic partners, and some close friends). These are out of my life now. The remainder are not negative towards me but generally flaky and not really interested in me – I don’t see them very often and most contact is initiated by me. When arranging to meet, even on their suggestion, most will think nothing of cancelling at short notice or turning up late, and I mean 30mins -1hr not just 10 mins. It’s not nice being treated this way, in the past I have always strived to be a good friend but have seldom been treated the same in return. One friend I have is nice, and isn’t flaky but only has time to meet up about 3-4 times a year. To be honest I don’t make the effort like I used to, I’m not horrible or negative and I wouldn’t be flaky but I’m not the bubbly positive person I used to be.

On reflection, I think the last 2 years have not helped. I split with my abusive ex, and for a time I felt hopeful for the future but then the other people in my life didn’t treat me well / have time for me. I have done several things to meet new people / make new friends but have not worked out.

I took up a course but the other women on there were all married and live 25-50 miles away. Attendance was also sporadic so it wasn’t easy to build a rapport with anyone. One girl seemed quite friendly and I used to get notes for her and e-mail her a summary of class when she couldn’t attend but she would rarely respond. The course was interesting but was quite a lot of work and I found it quite demanding with looking after dd and my job.

My job, I am really lucky as my hours work around school and it is local (the chances of finding an alternative is practically zero). However, the people there are generally moany and negative, I am glad I am really busy so I can focus on that.

I have tried MeetUp and similar sites; it’s not easy because I don’t get a lot of free time and the meets they have tend to be at times I cannot make. I did try one group and I turned up for a meet and no-body turned up. I posted to ask where everyone was, apparently no-one could make it and it should have been cancelled, the other members then got into an online argument about it all. Another meetup I posted I would like to go along, they said they would look out for me. I walked around the venue 3 times could not see anyone, posted online and was basically ignored – the others all posted what a lovely time they had.

I have also tried Meet-a-Mum type things. I haven’t had good experience on there either; a lot message but never meet up (sounds like on-line dating!); one I arranged to meet but didn’t turn up, another I met once but she lived far away and we haven’t met since.

I tried making friends with neighbours but most are busy with their own lives. One was friendly but when I got to know her she started gossiping about and criticising other people in the street and I found out she had been gossiping about me so I have distanced myself from her.
The mums at school are friendly enough but all have partners; I also live a long way from the school (I changed schools as my local school was terrible).

I go to the gym and do chat to a couple of people but often won’t see them for weeks so again hard to build up any rapport.
I’ve looked into single parent groups locally but there are none; I did think about setting one up but can’t muster the enthusiasm to do it; it would be a lot of work and possibly unlikely to pay off.

I think counselling would be beneficial but there is no way I can afford it; privately its costs £40 or £50 a session. Some offer concessions but still charge minimum £35 per hour, and that’s really for unemployed people. My income basically covers house bills, fuel, food, clothes (mainly for dd), gym and the odd outing for me and dd. I could probably afford one session per month (without compromising my financial position) but don’t think that would work well. I’ve looked into low cost counselling but only counselling who are training offer it which I would be nervous about being a guinea pig.

I could get free counselling from my GP; there is a 6-8 month waiting list, its limited to 6 sessions (which I don’t think would be enough) and my GP said he doesn’t refer people unless they are also taking anti-depressants. I’m not sure anti-depressants would help me, I had them 15 years ago when I was in crisis and even every day functioning was problematic but if anything I think they made me worse. I tried 3 different types and at different dosage and they made me fat, suicidal and gave me terrible headaches and nightmares; I felt less depressed when I came off them. I do function fine at the moment, enjoy time with dd but must admit don’t feel enthusiastic about life like I used to.

I look after myself the best I can, eat healthily and exercise. I do enjoy reading, films, music but not like I used to. I probably was never that confident a person (although would have come across confident), but my confidence is low at the moment. I have read lots of self help books but nothings really clicked. One message was just keep trying but it seems I have no energy to do so! I just can’t deal with disappointment after disappointment. I sometimes decide that I will just bumble along, i.e. just go to work, look after house, enjoy relationship with dd, and have odd contact with ‘friends’, and just be grateful for what I have? It just feels like I'm not really living though if that makes sense.

Sorry it’s so long, I would be interested to know if anyone is or has been in a similar situation to me. Thanks for reading.

anyone?

Volunteering? More engaging sports clubs? Like tennis or badminton (gyms aren't overly social in my experience).

Also, you are fairly criticical of people you have made friends with (gossipy neighbour, well people do gossip...or work colleagues who are older...not their fault!) perhaps chill on your selection process and enjoy a range of friendships, close and associates types....

not sure what to suggest but didn't want this to go unanswered.

Sounds like you've been doing the right things so be gentle with yourself.

Do you invite people over to your place? A playdate for your dd?

Or how about (and maybe this is difficult with work/dd and not much support) getting involved in a community/voluntary thing? Local hospice, food banks, charity work. Something to take your mind off yourself but which actually "grows" you at the same time....if that doesn't sound too woo!

Median, you could be me!
I feel so similar to what you describe - am at the gp myself this week to see about counselling.
Pm me if you like.

Sounds like a touch of depression, a chat with gp?

Even though you work, have a daughter, have some interests etc, your post screams "not enough to keep you busy and motivated". I don't mean that in a harsh way but you sound bored and disconnected with your life. People cancel because they are busy, too busy most of time and their lives are full. Your life is not full.

I was widowed in my 40s, spent a few years at home not working, seeing friends as and when they could fit me in between their work and family commitments. I thought I was doing ok albeit getting bored seeing the same people, not really having much to chat about etc. I now have a job which is very demanding but interesting, a mother who needs a lot of support, two children who are older but still needing parental guidance, various groups of friends - bereavement group friends, mum friends from my children's school, school friends, work friends, adult education friends, car club friends, slimming world friends, family, late husbands family, new partner, partner's family, looking after my cats, etc I now have so little time, I struggle to fit in the chores at home, let alone having time to do the food shopping. Life for me is now about not getting too behind with my weekly "to do" lists.

I really hope you can find something to fill the void in your life because it sounds like you have been trying to fill it, but whatever you have done so far, it hasn't given you the fulfilment you wanted so my advice would be to start changing things, maybe a new job, new interest, not be too desperate to make friends so much as joining a club because you're interested in what the club do rather than the friends it might provide. Fill your life with activities and interests and everything will start to fall into place.

hi thanks all for taking the time to reply.

unfortunately the things suggested (so far) are not doable.

I've thought about volunteering but have very limited free time and would probably have to pay childcare to do it which I cannot afford to do.

The playdate idea is good, my DD hasn't been at the school long so hasn't made any specific friends - I wouldn't know who to ask. Also I live 4 miles away from the school, all the other mums live walking distance so think that may also be a barrier. I did used to invite two mums in street with their DC who were same age /bit younger than DD but they would make an excuse to leave after 5 mins saying they had to catch up on x,y,z. It made me feel they were just using me for free childcare as they never invited me round theirs. I did it for a while for DD's sake, but one of the C purposely broke a garden ornament one day for no particular reason. I told C off and explained it was wrong and sent them home, the next time they came they purposely broke another one. So I decided to put a stop to them coming around.

A new job may work and I do keep a look out but tbh I am very lucky to have a job at all, let alone a job that works around school hours and is close by. Afterschool childcare is expensive and scarce (there are waiting lists) so would not be impossible but a lot of problems to overcome.

I enjoy reading and keep a look out for any local book clubs but there are none.

Tennis and badminton is a new idea although I don't even know how to play . I've had a look at the local groups and they are all for established players.

PP suggested a trip to the GP - I assume for anti-depressants? I have had quite bad experience with them previously but in theory ADs could make me feel better about life??

What's a car club by the way?

Yes life can be a struggle and sometimes I feel the same way as you especially since I have been a lone parent.

To really change things will take a lot of time but just make small steps. I am reading a life coach book which suggests you set yourself three targets per day/month and year eg if I only do three things today, they will be... and it helps you prioritise.

You have put an obstacle in the way of all the suggestions. And maybe you could be more tolerant of people? I don't know but it comes across that you are critical of everybody you know. Surely there are some nice people at work. You say they all moan but I think that's true of any workplace. I have made lovely long-lasting friendships with people from work of all ages - the older ones I meet for a coffee and a chat and the younger ones I go with on the odd night out on the town. Same with mum friends and neighbours.

hi sortednow, i do realise i appear to be putting obstacles in front of all suggestions but it is my reality....that life coach book sounds a good idea, have you a link/details?

My workmates are seriously quite negative/moany, I know my post is moany but in real life I am always quite upbeat and don't complain about anything! They moan about everything - the weather, work, money, i do actually enjoy my work and generally get stuck into that so I dont absorb it! I did get friendlier with one girl in work and she texts me saying how depressed she is and she has a cold, cough, flu, tonsillitus etc. I am kind to her but don't really want to engage with her too much?

The neighbour who criticises and gossips, I am surprised people suggest I am being too fussy - who wants to be friends with someone who does this? She was always asking me personal questions, and then divulging personal information about other neighbours in an unkind way, yet she pertained to be their friend. It just made me feel uncomfortable, I do talk to her now and then obviously but keep it just to small talk as I am conscious anything personal will be broadcast and also wonder what unkind comments she would say.

I dont meet many new people and maybe most of the radiator type people already have full lives anyway??

Mind were very good when I was in a tough spot and it was free. Several years ago now so rules may have changed.

I hope things pick up for you soon.

median - a playdate IS a kind of free childcare for the other mum. It's meant to be! It gives the other mum a chance for a couple of child-free hours. The mum might become your friend too, or might remain an acquaintance....doesn't matter. She might invite your child back, she might not. She might come in for a quick cuppa tea, she might not. Try to go with the flow.

Ask your dd if there's a little friend at school that she'd like to invite to play.
Write a note with your phone number to the other parent, for your dd to give to the other child, or ask your dd to point out the other child at the school gate. Don't worry how they'll get to you.

You're over-thinking everything.

Read your posts back and see how negative you sound. I think this comes from fear and insecurity. Maybe yoga could help you?

sorry don't mean to come over so harsh.

hugs and for mother's day.

lol mrspavarotti, i didnt think you were being harsh. i probably am a bit uptight.

and thanks for the

x

Anti-depressants have changed a lot over the past fifteen years and there are three different groups of them, all of which work in different ways, so I think talking to your gp might be a good idea.
Is bumbling along really such a bad thing? Contentment can be a nice place to be in, finding pleasure in the small things, like a cup of lovely tea. But I get what you mean about looking for more, trying to find something that will really fufil you.

The life coach book is called Your Pocket Life Coach by Carole Gaskell. It is very short and simple so suits me.

The book that definitely helped was Paul McKenna Change Your Life in 7 Days which did take me a lot longer to get through but the exercises help you work out what you really want out of your life. There is a dvd to do every day too.

I found that when I gave up "trying" to make friends and was happy not to have any I suddenly made lots and it became easier. A bit like trying to find a partner I guess. When you stop looking and making it a big deal, it happens.
I made most of my friends at places like swimming lessons where I would see people regularly, decide I liked them and ask them out for a coffee, also a bit like dating

Wow - you have been through a lot, no wonder you have run out of steam a bit. It can be very lonely parenting, especially without support. I think you sound like a lovely, resilient person with the heart of a lion. Be very good to yourself and your own best friend - think of how the kindest friend you could have would advise you on how you are feeling.

I would go on the GP waiting list for therapy anyway, you may not have to wait as long as claimed (it is often used to deter people) and even 6 weeks of talk therapy may help - it's a free option.

I agree with GM451 go to regular things with your child that parents have to hang around for. My DD started trampolining on Sunday mornings and parents had to stay around to help "spot" at the sides of the trampoline and I got to have fun chats and then know some better that way (also at dance classes).

What about church? I have no faith but have a friend who moves around for work a lot and always finds a great welcome,support and friendship at C of E churches for herself and daughter (she checks online for busy, youthful ones) even though she has no great faith.

I too come from a difficult background and struggle with friendships. I think I am too sensitive to others comments etc and found reading this book helped
www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Surivive-Overwhelms-ebook/dp/B00I7JO28C/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426453026&sr=1-1&keywords=%27the+highly+sensitive+person%27

Sorry if I am suggesting somethings that can sound quite weird .

Try your hand in arts ??? Painting and sketching .
I think you are a bit lost and to be honest most people are in that state of mind .

Try out your hand at free activity clubs on weekends Might give you a relief from routine .
Hope that helps

I dont know in which area you stay but my local area has a meetup of moms and it has a whatsapp group too and they plan so many acitivities together with there kids .On weekends and even on weekdays.Please find out such a group and it would really help you a lot to get some company which you need at this point

Median, you sound really nice, sweet, smart, sensitive and self-aware, there are plenty of people who would love to have a friend like you. Dont give up.

St John's Wort is REALLLLLLLLY effective. Try it! It's expensive in Boots unless they're doing their 3-for-2 on vitamins (which they often are), so look online too. It's worked wonders for me and my brother. I can't recomend it enough!

You just sound depressed. Your posts (if you read them back) could be seen as you blaming everyone else for all this. You've got to take some responsibility, because that's when you'll start realising you can make changes! I'd get on that waiting list now, take St John's Wort every day, take loads of vitamins, try smoothies/homemade health shakes, go to classes at the gym (more sociable), invite one new person round for tea every week, join Mumsnet Local in my area, do gardening in my front garden so I chatted with the passing neighbours, hold a BBQ for everyone I know, and read How To Win Friends and Influence People -- it's the best book on making friends, it's really honestly brilliant.

Why do you live so far from the school?