Forever single or might there be a relationship that would feel bearable for me?

[stripytees]

I've been single for nearly 6 years apart from a couple of short spells of dating. For the most part I'm perfectly happy with this - I'm quite an introverted type, enjoy my own company and generally feel I get enough "people time" at work and quite like to spend my free time on my own/very occasionally seeing friends. I don't really want a relationship but worry that somehow I should or else I'll miss out on things in case I eventually want children.

But I'm 32 and from a tiny family (only child, so will never be an aunt). And for a while now I've been feeling like I need to decide if I want to have kids/get married etc. before it's too late. I think if I had a bigger family, I would probably choose not to have children myself, but as it is, I basically won't have any family alive after my mother dies (she's 71 this year) which feels like an added pressure... otherwise I'll end up kind of alone in the world... My aunt (from dad's side) never had children/wasn't in a long term relationship and sometimes I envy her because she had the benefit of her brother having a family and at least being an aunt.

Sometimes I read things on here or hear from other people that make me wonder if my idea of relationships is very narrow, though. Basically I feel like I could never bear to be in a long term relationship or to have kids because I need so much time on my own that no one would accept that (and obv it's hard to have alone time if you have small children anyway...) Or like I would have to change too much to fit with what the other person wants.

I just find the thought of living with someone so unbearable now, it feels like I would be trapped into doing too many things because the other person wants it. Just daily things like if they want to eat dinner and I want to just have tea and toast that evening, or they want to go to bed late and I need an early night... to bigger things like where to live, how to decorate the house etc. Not to mention all the compromises and decisions if children came along. And sometimes just the thought of having to see anyone when I get home from work feels unbearable - but I don't know if I would feel differently about that if it was the right person... (I lived with a partner before and eventually we both hated having someone around all the time at home as we were both quite introverted/wanted our own space.)

I kind of think Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton had the right idea living as neighbours even though they were in a long term relationship.

I think what I'm wondering is...

• how do I know I won't regret whatever decision I make?
• is it possible to be happy in a relationship if you find the right person who lets you be yourself and is ok about accommodating your need for lots of alone space etc.?
• is it ok to not want a relationship at all?! I always feel like I'm strange for not being in a relationship and not even wanting to. Friends joke about needing to set me up with someone etc. But maybe I would prefer to just grow old surrounded by lots of cats and live my life just as I want to, without compromising or fitting in anyone else's needs...

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I'm really introverted too and love my alone time. I've got 2 kids and a dh and at least once a day I think I'm going to go insane if I'm asked one more question. And I wanted kids and a husband.

Maybe you could meet someone just as introverted as you who understands your need for alone because they need it too.

1. deal with it.
2. way better than clingy needy life sucker
3. 'relationship' includes friends. Biggest predictor of lifetime health, happiness, success etc. just do that

I'm quite like you, but I'm very glad to have my niece so totally understand where you're coming from.

Do you have nice friends and are you otherwise happy with your life? Close friends can be as good (or better!) than family a lot of the time.

I feel the same as you but I also have a sister and two nieces. Knowing that I have them makes the potential decision not to have children easier.

I do think you can compromise in a relationship. My last one, he respected my need for space although it never got to the living together stage so I don't know how that would have worked out. The problem is, I choose to spend my time with a select few people and I enjoyed his company so much if I wasn't alone then I only really wanted to spend my time with him. He didn't seem to mind that but it could have ended up being quite suffocating for him.

It sounds to me that you don't really want a traditional relationship but are worried on missing out. But you can still have a relationship without doing the whole living together and marriage shebang. I do think there are some men out there (probably divorced and a bit jaded) who would be happy with a relationship where you saw each other once or twice a week and left it at that. This might sound odd but I've always thought when I'm a bit older I might deliberately go out with someone divorced and/or has children - that way you get to have more people in your life without having to be a mother and having overall responsibility for them yourself.

It helped me to understand that there may be a gene for bonding - and I didn't get it. But I also think - maybe I haven't met the right man yet. Maybe if I meet the right man I would want to spend every moment with him - want to make sacrifices, want to compromise.

I understand pretty much how you feel stripey; I have a similar outlook to relationships and can't really see myself doing anything other than casual from now on.

"- how do I know I won't regret whatever decision I make?"

You probably won't know until later on. I look at it as a "What would I regret more?" kind of thing. I personally would regret losing what I have now, more than I'd regret never getting married and having children; that's my thinking at the moment.

If I were to give up what I have now (my home and independent life) and get married, set up elsewhere, have a few kids and then get divorced somewhere along the line, I would for the rest of my life be kicking myself that I didn't just stay as I am right now; I know this definitely. No way do I want to be living with parents or dossing on a mates' settee in my 50's, because of divorce/separation; I am not starting all over again later on in my life.

"- is it ok to not want a relationship at all?!"

I think it is okay, yes, if you are fairly happy. I'm generally happy and I'm very self-sufficient/independent; I wouldn't want to share my current home with anyone because it's my home and sanctuary.

I think it is becoing more common for people in relationships not to want to live together. There is no reason why you can't be in a relationship like this and maybe you should give it a go

I absolutely love living on my own. I have two teenagers so I am not alone but love having the house to myself and am very much looking forward to living alone when they leave.

I work with loads of people and being in their company exhausts me at times. I have even changed my work hours slightly to avoid spending so much time with them.

I am quite sociable but basically on my terms. I would not recommend having children unless you have a very strong desire to do so. Having children is the single hardest thing that I have ever done and requires constant negotiation and compromise. It would be devastating to have a child and then realise that that choice was a mistake.

"I work with loads of people and being in their company exhausts me at times...Having children is the single hardest thing that I have ever done..."

Yep it's true, people and children can be nice to have around at times, but for me it's good to be able to hand them back in at the end of the day and go home.

1. I completely understand where you are coming from - I've never bought into the whole "happiness = big nuclear family" thing

1. I actually think though, that you might be doing yourself a disservice by not even getting to the "dating/seeing what's out there" phase? (and don't take it too seriously, just look at it as meeting new people).

I can see a lot of myself in you - I had a bad spell in my 20's when I sort of isolated myself: I was thinking EITHER I was going to buy into the whole marriage/kids thing OR I was a Single Woman (a bit like a rubbish Daily Mail article).

This is wrong in my opinion: there are many ways to approach relationships, and I don't think you can solely learn about them just by asking posters on a message board?

In todays dating climate, there's no obligation to just "marry and have kids and move in with someone you've been on five dates with".

If you find someone you communicate well with, you can surely discuss your social needs? Don't be apologetic about them and make a big deal of them, just get to know people and show yourself and your preferences as time progresses.

Not every man wants the "joint account and children and every meal together" life either.

If a guy digs you, he is normally happy to accommodate social choices as long as they aren't damaging or unpleasant. Just doing a straw poll of my nice friends, the cpuples are often in various "forms" of relationship which aren't all the conventional "living together with joint mortgage" set-up.

So I really do see your point, but also I don't think it's worth isolating yourself and overthinking stuff? You mention regret, and I think you might regret it later on as (in my opinion) dating at 32 is a lot easier than dating at 43.

You sound like my lovely friend who lives alone but has a faithful dog that provides her with adoration. She is lucky to have a brother and DNs though. We have debated whether she should try dating again but after a disastrous marriage and failed relationships she is scarred and doesn't want to compromise the lovely life she has created for herself. In her case she recognises she loses herself when she is in a relationship which I understand.

I think the answer here is that you should only accept a relationship on your terms. The right person for you would be equally protective of their own space and understand your need for quiet time. Children would not be able to do that so I can't see how you would tolerate the mess, the noise and the demands that small people make on you.

You are quite reasonable in wanting to make a life that suits you. it would be wrong to force yourself into a life that damaged you just to conform to some ideal norm.

But relationships usually stem from some form of attraction or spark. The way you're talking, it sounds as though you've never really experienced that. Do you think you could be asexual? Planning whether you're ever going to have a relationship or not, regardless of future circumstances seems to me to he putting the cart before the horse? If you are attracted to people, then wouldn't it he better to adopt an attitude of staying open to things rather than this very binary snap decision making?

Are you me?

I suspect you're worrying because society has drilled it into your head that you should have a relationship to be fulfilled. What kind of black and white world are we buying into if we believed every single person on earth is suited for a relationship?
Look at how many people settle for relationships with the wrong person because they're afraid to be on their own then come to realise when said relationship is over that being alone is amazing. Relationships are NOT for everyone. Don't feel bad for having a healthy relationship with yourself. That's all some people need in life! :-)

I feel ambivalence towards relationships as I seem to achieve far much more when I'm single and haven't been particularly well treated by boyfriends in the past. The only thing really pushing me to date is that I would like a child before I'm 40 and ideally with a partner.

I'm starting to wonder if i'm cut out for relationships and living with someone. I've got kids, but haven't lived with another adult for 12 years. I'm not sure i could again and i'm not sure theres anything wrong with that.

Thanks all for the replies.

I've actually had lots of therapy over the years and feel I understand a lot about why I feel the way I do but it hasn't changed it. I've reached a point of trying to decide whether I want to work further on changing (i.e. so that it would feel bearable to have a relationship) or whether I actually want to work on accepting myself the way I am, and acknowledging this is how I feel right now. Much of the unhappiness and feeling of being under pressure comes from looking at school friends etc. and seeing them getting married, having children and thinking that's what I should be doing or else I'm weird.

Ttip - I have experienced that attraction in the past but it usually doesn't translate to actually wanting to spend a lot of time with that person, not after the initial excitement is over, anyway. A lot of previous dating attempts have ended after a couple of weeks or months when I started feeling suffocated by having to tell someone what I was doing and making time to see them etc. I think these days I would be more able to put in boundaries that felt more comfortable for me, though, and say "I don't want to meet up this week but let's talk again at the weekend" etc.

These days I'm very rarely in situations where I would meet potential partners and that's why I feel I need to consider it in more abstract terms to decide if it's something I should try to push myself to do more, or not. If that makes sense?

Irene yes, I have some nice friends, not a huge group of them as obviously my dislike of much socialising extends to friendships too... but some I've known for 10 or 15 years and who I trust will be around for years to come. I'm generally happy with my life and feel I don't need a partner... I've been lucky to for example be able to buy a house on my own (DF left me money when he died), I know that's not something many single people can do.

Wrap I think for me it's a combination of growing up quite isolated (only child/not put into nursery so apart from a few friends my age in the neighbourhood, I only had to get used to groups of other children when I started school), and having a very overbearing mother so in some way I expect every relationship to be as suffocating as the one with my mother when I was a child.

heart Yes, that's partly why I'm wondering about it - I don't really meet any potential partners in my day to day life so unless I make an effort to try online dating/go to events and places where I might meet someone it's just not going to happen.