I was a DA victim but now I have become an abuser!

[MrsDiesel]

I escaped a 7 year relationship throughout which I was a victim of domestic abuse. At first I never retaliated but towards the end I did try to defend myself and fight back, usually unsuccessfully.

When I left the relationship I threw myself into a relationship with someone else just so I wouldn't go back. It was a stupid thing to do but it helped at the time. However fast-forward 4 years and things are really bad.
Today we were having a row and he was totally twisting what I said into something completely different. He had me backed into a corner and was getting right into my face and looming over me. Trying to intimidate me into backing down. So I punched him. I'm not trying to excuse myself because violence is never right but I didn't know what else to do.
So then we fought and I gave as good as I got and was just as bad as him or he was as bad as me which ever.
Obviously the relationship is over but I hate what I have become and don't know where to go from here.

Looks to me like you are in another abusive relationship. Your DP was threatening and intimidating you. Your reaction, though maybe over the top, was self defence.

Get out of this relationship now it can only get worse. Then get yourself some counselling so you can work out why you end up in relationships with abusive men and how you can break the cycle.

Thank you for being kind and not just telling I am terrible GoldenPond. I dont know how to get counselling, do I go to my doctor?

This is sad. I really feel for you. I truly believe that when we treat ourselves with kindness and respect it becomes very difficult to be unkind to others. We also don't tolerate abuse from others as we know instinctively that we don't deserve it.

Be kind to yourself.

. You're not terrible, but don't go back and as pp says, get some counselling.

Do you have somewhere to go?

I agree, you were in another abusive relationship. Backing you into a corner, threatening you- you retaliated as perhaps many people would if they felt physically threatened.

I think perhaps the Freedom programme might help you see where you are repeating things time and time again.

Good luck for the future.

Thank you all.

Its my house so I have stayed here, he has gone. I just feel so bad for resorting to violence.

What is the freedom program?

I think it's this one, about recognising abusive people so you don't end up in the same cycle all the time:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

I think you can also do them in person, not sure how you get referred.

Women's Aid might be able to help you access this stuff and give you advice about help in your area.

Other threads have recommended contacting Women's Aid for help with counselling in these situations - I think they run the Freedom Programme which a lot of posters recommend.

You can get local contact details from their website.

Glad he is out of the house and you are safe. Now concentrate on making the rest of your life better.

Thanks I will call women's aid tomorrow when the kids are at their dads. (first husband) I cant believe it has come to this again. It must be me surely because it is a coincidence how both of them have been abusive to me but apparently no one else.

I think you need to take a long step back and not date anyone for a long time.

You know yourself that something is very wrong when it ends up like this (and judge who may; you've had the guts and honesty to realise it's wrong and you're trying to pick yourself up; that's what really counts).

It sounds like you need to face yoruself and maybe why you are drawn to abusive men; also the things inside yourself that maybe trigger arguments / conflict.

I suspect you don't actually know if they were abusive to others or not - who told you that? them? not the most reliable of people! Either way, there are some people who are drawn to abusive folk, and also some people who act in such a way as to bring out the worst in others but it isn't possible to tell from what you've written which you are.

Take that time to work out what's going on inside you and to learn how to identify red flags early on .... the steadier you are and the more self knowledge you have, maybe it will also benefit your children.

Good luck mrsdiesel. It takes honesty to face yourself and it's a hard thing to look in the mirror sometimes. Be gentle with yourself as well, now and then.

Op you are me many years ago.

Coming out of an abusive relationship can really mess you up in regards to your next relationship as we can Rush in needing that closeness of someone and miss the signs that that are not that good for us.

Call time on this this one now and look at the freedom program.

I'm now with a lovely bloke and we have never resorted to violence. He has never got in my face and made me feel trapped or backed in to a corner. It's really hard as you will carry those feelings for a long time unless you do somthing about it.

Thanks you for sharing your experience joyful it helps to know its not just me and there is hope.

I agree that I definitely need to step back from men and get to know myself. Learn to be happy on my own and give my children a happy, stable, conflict free home.
I swore after their dad that I would never put them through it again but here we are.
I will definitely talk to women's aid about the freedom program.

I think some sure start centres run the freedom programme too if u have a one nearby. Ours definitely do.

That would be fantastic if they do! I will find out

Good luck op!