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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Concern for friend -advice please

10 replies

noitsachicken · 14/03/2015 09:16

Hi,
I am after some advice as I don't know the best thing to do.
A friend of mine is I am sure experiencing emotional (and possibly physical) abuse from her husband.
I have known her for almost three years, we have children the same age, I have met her husband and didn't like him, I had a sense he was quite controlling, but no concern for friends wellbeing.
Recently she has mentioned that they were considering separating, she didn't really give many details and I didn't pry, but over the last few weeks little bits of info have come out via text or conversation that have concerned me.
He drinks and gets angry.
Accuses her of being a bad mother.
Shouts at her in public.
Says she is an embarrassment.
He doesn't care about her only their son.
Threw her dinner on the floor.
Refuses to leave, but said he would kill her if she took the child.
She says he has not hit her, but has come close.

She is clearly scared, and the behaviour is affecting their child and her mental health.
I don't know what to do, i want her to keep confiding in me, but she is reluctant to talk as she gets upset.
She doesn't want to upset their son.
She is worried of the consequences if she tries to leave.

I am scared for her, I know leaving him needs to be her choice and her decision, but I am worried that one day he is throwing the dinner plate on the floor, the next it might be at her. What if he kills her and I did nothing?

What can I do?

OP posts:
noitsachicken · 14/03/2015 09:18

Now I have written it down it seems much worse.

OP posts:
Nolim · 14/03/2015 09:24

Suggest she contact womens aid.

noitsachicken · 14/03/2015 13:57

Thanks I will, but any suggestions of other help I can offer?
Or should I not say anything?

OP posts:
redrubyindigo · 14/03/2015 14:03

She needs to get out sooner rather than later from what you have said

redrubyindigo · 14/03/2015 14:10

Take your cue from her. She is letting you know how things are in her own time.

Just be ready to help when she asks for it whether that is a shoulder to cry on or a spare room for a few nights.

This is going to sound like very strange advice but please think about it. If you wade in straight away and he gets to hear about it a controlling man will try to stop her seeing you as 'a bad influence' etc. If her confidence is shot already you may be out of the picture before you know it.

That has always been true to the women I have helped/tried to help over the years with a controlling/abusive partner.

Stay close and listen to what she not saying as well as what she is saying but be ready to help.

noitsachicken · 14/03/2015 14:27

Thanks redruby
I just feel so helpless, and scared for her.

OP posts:
redrubyindigo · 14/03/2015 14:30

Talk low, talk slow and listen.

This advice has never let me down.

noitsachicken · 14/03/2015 17:15

Good advice.
I will see her again next week, and maybe send her a text to see how she is doing over the weekend.

OP posts:
noitsachicken · 31/03/2015 15:18

I have asked for this thread to be deleted, worried my friend might see it.
Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
theworldaccordingtome · 31/03/2015 15:51

I know you have asked for this to be deleted, but I didn't want to read and run. Especially as I started a thread earlier today about how to help a friend who has just left an abusive marriage.

The advice seems to be be there as someone to talk to as and when they need. Some really helpful links were provided too.

I wish you and your friend well.

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