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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Surviving domestic abuse good news stories?

15 replies

Misterbumpbump · 14/03/2015 07:39

I wondered if anyone could share their experiences of coming out of it the other end and becoming stronger. is there light at the end of the tunnel? need some inspiration!

OP posts:

Firecrest · 14/03/2015 07:41

Me too . I know I'll be ok eventually, but right now it's hard. Success stories are very inspiring.

foxandglove · 14/03/2015 09:53

My ex was controlling, manipulative, sexually violent, ran up debts in my name, went through my phone bills, told all our friends I was the one mistreating him. If I got upset about anything he'd say "fine, I'm shit, everything I do is shit" and storm off threatening to walk into traffic. I thought I wasn't allowed to leave as my mum told me if you love someone you don't leave . He left me in the end, for OW.

I have had a shit load of therapy. It was hard but worth it. I am now married to a man who is kind, sweet, funny, and gentle as a lamb, who is my best friend. I do something that involves helping children who have experienced trauma and am training to be a psychotherapist. I am happy, I have peace and freedom. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it's hard to see it when it's switched off.

turbonerd · 14/03/2015 13:58

Yes, there is a life worth living Waiting for you.
My ex was abusive (physical, mental,sexual etc) and two years later I probably still have some way to go, but oOh the IMPROVEMENT in quality of life!
No one to mess me about every day, no one forcing himself on me, no one being drunk and aggressive almost every night. It is bliss. I've Even met a man who is kind. That was the most unexpected part as I was planning to be single for the next 25 years at least!
It is astonishing, sometimes hard being alone with the kids, but well worth it being free from fuckwittery and not being scared and sad all the time. It was worth it before Kind Man came along, he is the cherry on the cake.
Untangling takes a while though. I hope to start some counselling sessions soon as it has taken me this long to start seeing how wrong itall was and it has floored me ssomewhat.

Original poster

Misterbumpbump · 14/03/2015 14:58

That's wonderful thank you both for sharing, so pleased you have found happiness! I guess we just have to accept that things will get better but we have to acknowledge that it will take time and to take care of ourselves. And it will not just get better overnight. I have been almost trying to brush it off and be gung ho about it (if that's the right word!) but it has recently hit me how serious an impact it actually has had.

OP posts:

Original poster

Misterbumpbump · 14/03/2015 15:00

Firecrest - sorry you are going through it too, sending a virtual hug we will get through this! X

OP posts:

Firecrest · 14/03/2015 16:17

Thanks Mrbb. I think this is going to be a long journey. Wish there was a map.

Original poster

Misterbumpbump · 14/03/2015 16:26

I agree, it's such a roller coaster

OP posts:

apriljuly · 14/03/2015 18:06

My ex was violent, controlling, manipulative and sexually and financially abusive. I left him when I was pregnant and I haven't contact with him again. Fifteen years on, I've married a wonderful man, settled in our own house in a good area, gained three degrees and my DD has grown up safely into a lovely young lady. It took a long time - I was on benefits and in a council house in the early years, raised DD in her first 10 years on my own and had to have a lot of therapy through NHS services. But we've emerged out of the tunnel into the light and things are very good now.

As for the ex - the last I read about him was being sent down for a violent crime. He never got charged for anything he did to me, but I'm glad that the law has recognised the kind of person he is and that he's safely locked away from the public.

meandmygirl1 · 14/03/2015 18:10

I survived and my dd has grown into a confident, happy person who I am immensely proud of. I have a home where we are safe and happy. We have 2 cats and more recently a mad puppy. I now have a dp who I am cautiously letting down my barriers to. Simple things many people take for granted but for me are so so precious. Don't give up, keep going

Orrla · 14/03/2015 18:19

I'm a happy story. Mostly my ex was EA but towards the end he tried to strangle me. There was also gaslighting, sexual coercion, trashing the house, fraud, and loads more along the way.

I'm now with an amazing, kind, generous, thoughtful man who lifts my heart every time I walk through the door. We have a little toddler and I love our happy home that is full of love and affection for each other. We got engaged 18 months ago and together 10 years.

The first year after the breakup with my ex was tough, but so worth it. I got counselling and spoke to womens aid which helped a lot. You'll come out the other side I promise!

Firecrest · 14/03/2015 20:26

Thanks for all the encouragement. I have been going to the Freedom Programme and one of the astonishing things was how similar these men are. They say the same things, they do the same things. There must be a Fuckwit school they go to. Guess it shows it is them not us.

minkGrundy · 15/03/2015 10:57

Coincidence! I was just reading the thread of someone who is trying to leave and thinking we could do with a thread of people who have left and who know how hard it is but also how worthwhile and how possible.

I split from the EA father of my dc for the last time 2 years ago. I have only in the last 6 months finished unpicking all the things he did.

I think leaving is a bit like being born. It can be a long slow labour or a sudden unexpected thing. Then you need to take the time to grow into yourself.

To start with I could still hear his voice in my head. I would still be scared to stand up to him. And I would still get drawn into his silly circular arguments.

But now I am much better. The dcs are much better and they cope fine with the breakup.
If he sees them he sees them and if he does not (to try to punish us) I don't care. And now he knows this he does not bother to try to manipulate anymore.

I have very few feelings of any sort left for him. No love, nor pity, nor anger, nor fear, nor hate. Just indifference. And that means I have won my life back.

Paddlingduck · 15/03/2015 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minkGrundy · 15/03/2015 11:32

paddlington.

It is true though, once you see them truly for what they are, graduates of the school of fuckwittery, you can never unsee it.

Namechanger2015 · 21/03/2015 11:37

I'm struggling after leaving my EA husband two months ago. He was physically, emotionally and financially abusive.

He has been shocked and very sad since we left and has taken it as a real wake up call. He has self enrolled onto a domestic violence perpetrators program which he will start if accepted. It runs for 3 hours per week for the next 32 weeks - a big commitment.

I am still very up and down. I miss him and hate him in equal measures. I don't feel strong enough or capable enough of bringing up three young children alone, although I have done so over the past 7 years with minimal input from him.

It's a missing him day today. But I'm keeping busy and going out tonight and hoping this time will pass without me crying today.

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